first aid..

so here it is...
the following is my smash hits poll winers of 2008, as ever a good three or four weeks before the end of the year, as per the -smash hits- regime...

the things i could not have survived this year without:

my brother, nicholas
my sister, fiona
sally
catelin
my phone
subway..chicken..hearty italian bread..foot-long with all the salad and sweet onion sauce..
-how to save a life-, the album, by the fray
gavin and stacey
the book of psalms
the 08:42 from the glos to the briz, everyday, sharp, monday to friday...
emily, who has been so faithful and phoned me every single week.....
the thought of that nose...
cigarettes
my mother and my father
my blog: the musings, the sheer volume of space, the comments and fans....
the knowing that i made him happier than he had ever been
the west wing, seasons 1 - 7 (twice..)
percol de guatemela..and the trusty travel mug for the train ride to work..
the daily emails from the forest crowd at work...
dara o'briain
facebook
No 7
my duvet
the peace that came from writing the eulogy..
the produce of the following musical artists:
dispatch
royksopp
scott matthews
arcade fire
stoney
elbow
john mayer
sigur ros

in addition, the knowing that if someone fell in love with me once, it might well happen again...
also, lavendar oil and tedious bill bryson books for the getting-to-sleep
also the australians, faithfully awake in the wee small hours!
dry dry dry white wine
the hope of moving back to the briz with one of my oldest and dearest in the new year...
stowfords
trof original everytime i have been in maanchester
the cheeky on-the-hop random googlemail/facebook chats that give a small lift, a word of love, a thought for the day or a genuinely-posed question as to my current state of well-being..
radio four

anyway, the end...

these are the things i cannot do without, and for your part in them i am most very glad..x

so yesterday

i was nine years old in the lord
november 14th
wowsers

the threefold heart command..

so for the last three years or so, i have had a piece of green card stuck to my bedroom wall...the dream wall, if you will (if you are a maine road ex-resident..).....written on it in my artistic (ha, read illegible!) scrawl is a note-to-self, in black pencil, that reads as follows...

rend your heart
risk your heart
guard your heart

except on the card it has a big heart drawn on the right-hand side, which therefore it neatly substitutes the word 'heart' in each line, and until SOMEONE freaking invents a -heart- symbol on computer keyboards (as per the simon amstell-related petition on here many moons ago!) you will have to have the out-moded written version on here, and just picture the real-life version in your head...

i think that i could scarcely have imagined when i wrote that note-to-self and pinned it up above the fireplace, just how painful, how exhilarating or how constantly-challenging each of these three instructions from the bible would turn out, respectively, to be.

the rending speaks for itself. i have lost my bear of a man, his magnificent nose and his ever-loving heart, only weeks after we had agreed that we would one day soon get married. you have, i feel sure, read enough to make you weep over your cup of coffee (or all of a friday evening if you're sal) on here in recent weeks, and for that companionship on this particular journey i thank thee.

the risking was learnt in the build-up, in The Single Years - the now infamous valentines endeavour, the depth of attraction and attachment i allowed myself to feel to boy after boy who could not or would not return my attentions.....but the risk continued unabated, and jesus walked me through each and every one of these crashes and i learnt, ever surer, that i had been given a capacity for love and for loyalty and for passion that would one day represent one half of a grown-up relationship. i found faith in myself through these ups and downs, and faith in the notion that love, once chosen by both, would ultimately be one of the greatest additions to my already rather happy life......as you will recall, it was then the risk of sending that first text to the boy after nick's wedding, that resulted in me having him all to myself (notwithstanding his bright, hilarious and loving children!) on short term loan.....

the guarded heart still somewhat eludes me but i think that in all my miss-haversham-related musings over these last four months, i have begun to see that a guard that is generated by wisdom and not by fear, bitterness or reticence (sp?) is really a very precious thing.

i appear to have run out of words, for now. i realise this post is lacking in a conclusion. it might come to me, but i'm hoping sleep gets here first...night loves...x

theological conundrum...

so, i've never been too hot on theological matters...

i pretty much figure - love the lord, be nice to people, explore your surroundings, use your talents, give what you have, and love bravely....

what more is there, really...?!

thing is, if theology is one's view of god, or the unmovables about god, or the cumulative ideas of 2008(?!) years of deciphering the word, or all of the above, then at the end of it all its still just about your relationship with god, right...?

so, my theology - my relationship with god....

thing is, that for me has foundations that were built on total despair being met with huge expectation and shocking hope......i had an actual conversion, one pin-point moment, where i chose to live......and then the hard work started.........and that hard work was god's work, convincing me, one relentless fear after another that only he could cross them off, rub them out.....replacing abject fear with unbelievable truth....i cried every day for about the first year, fretted everyday for about the following four years.....and since then, have moved from mildly unsettled, back to hideously fearful, and then to, well, then i moved into falling in love....

and now i find myself, quite literally, happier than i have ever been.....and well, my condundrum is this:

how does one, at the ripe old age of 27, begin to imagine a god who wants to be involved in the flirting and the planning and the missing and the misunderstandings and the giddy grinning of a fledgling romance....?

the answer, i know, is that he instigated such love, he instigated this love, and that all love comes from and is sustained and enhanced by him....

this much i believe......but in practise it is proving rather difficult...not because the man in question is not a friend of the lord, but because of my second question....

where, in a relationship with jesus that is built out of a desperate, overwhelming need in me, for him, do i find a dynamic that moves me to need and rely on him, when i do not feel that same sense of lack? of course i do lack: i lack love and kindness and patience and all the other things that we all lack, but, i don't know......i have not wept for my want of god in quite some time, and truth be told, that's how i know him.....its why i know him.....its how we relate.....or was....and now? 

now, i wake up happy...i sleep better than a baby.....i do not grimace when i look at my own body....i have tiny seed-like hopes for a life in the future....i grin alot...!! there is a man who makes me laugh everyday, loves me selflessly everyday.....

once more pals, answers on a postcard....

good evening pals....

and hello from the sunny west country!

so, my new town is as fun and funner than i hoped it would be......there is a cider bar on a boat, a lovely cathedral with a seat in it dedicated to my great-grandparents, a very cute old-town section of the city centre which i had never seen before i arrived, and a general feeling of a city full of all-age working-holidaymakers! i'm not sure if its the amount of water in the city or just the slightly higher average temperature than life in the north, but it really does feel like living in a holiday town......on my first weekend here i went roaming round town on the saturday, and got pleasantly lost.....weirdly feeling very at home and not at all daunted.....and i have continued to feel that way.......the early evening i a particularly nice time to be out on the little high street that is the centre of my neighbourhood....its like a whalley-range, hulme kind of high street with one of everything and lots of people out and about, alot of whom are from alot of different countries and seem to add their own ingredients to the general feel of ease and slow-walking.....no-one seems to be in a hurry here.......haven't found my coffee place yet, but that's ok, these things sometimes take time.....the cider boat is enough to be going on with for now! i love it.....and me and roz went out for tea one night and wound up in a place that looked, felt and tasted like it should have been on the sea-front in barcelona, which cannily enough is where we were the last time we had dinner together!

as for the job, well......can you imagine a happier anna than one who gets to study maps of iraq, learn about the kurdish people, study unhcr statistics and send letters to the home office and various embassies all in one morning's work?! i imagine not......last week i was mainly learning about what happens to people who find themselves in the Uk as victims of human trafficking, and what if anything can be done to assist them once they escape their captors...turns out that by law we can't do all that much, which makes me hopping mad to say the least...victims of trafficking do not automatically qualify for refugee status or other forms of national protection, since they still have to prove a well-founded fear of persecution on their return home, to gain such a status......i would say that having been sold by your own family would be grounds for a pretty huge amount of fear, but actually its fear of having nothing to go back to, much more often than it is fear of persecution...........anyway i have a job now which allows me to help see the system circumvented, one case at a time, seeing the rules navigated round and the rule makers confounded by how flimsy their own rationales are shown in public to be......i love it.......and they all drink real coffee....i have never seen such a frequently-used cafetiere...this makes me happy....

as for the man, well, i can honestly say that i am embarrassingly in love...lately its all got much, much worse, as i think we are both starting to allow ourselves to dream a future together into being and its pretty darn fun i can tell you.....

....my new housemates are still getting to know each-other, one only having been born of the other two weeks ago....they are doing well, especially when one isn't howling and the other has got some sleep.....

come visit me....! as my friend joe said to me when we met for a pint or two last week, 'it's a hip-happy-town, you're gonna love it!'

brisk

i had a bit of rage earlier
i had to do some pretty fierce negotiating with some people at work, i also got cross about something that made me cross, and i was also feeling harrangued. and frustrated. and a bit caged. and, well, you know....its february....
so as lunch time drew near i knew that i needed the air of outside rather than the air of inside.

and so i went for a small walk and admired once more my favourite building in manchester.....
isn't she a beauty?

i was calmed, and aired and breezed and therefore simply alright again.

ps: journal update: maybe i just need a nice new pen.......

manchester evening views

i took this photo shortly before the aformentioned idiocy occurred this evening....
as i left work for the walk to town, this was what greeted me...

ps: journal update: not sure what's going on, but.....well, maybe in my head, i went too far....maybe the bok is just too nice to write in....?!

am now purely six word thinker

so this morning on the -today- programme they featured a book/a thought/a movement concerning -six word memoirs-

it began with hemingway....if you don't know the tale, it is thus:
our pal ernesto once made a bet, probably with some other literary, bar-propping-up type, that he could write a story in just six words.
-surely not?!- i hear you cry -it can't be done!-
well, it was done, and his story was this:
For Sale: Baby shoes - Never worn

he won the bet
it also nearly reduced me to tears!

the idea has translated into a book, via a us magazine invitiation extended to the public to write one's life-story in just six words. or a six word representation of you and your full story. and basically, throughout the course of the day, my mind has to one extent or another (depending on what else i am supposed to be doing at the time!) been somewhat consumed with the notion.

all i have come up with so far are the following, neither of which fully satisfies me but which i will own to you just now for the sake of learning to air one's ideas when not yet perfected!!

raised catholic - found the escape hatch!
and
the art of pottering: pleasurable utility

i challenge you, my friends, to look upon this and feed your six-word imagination!

ps: journal update: all out of literary juices today (six words, see...?!)

gone away is the bluebird..

what a lovely christmastime i had.

possibly my favourite ever....no-one died, no-one had an ambulance to the house on christmas day, no-one argued with anyone, the grandparent unit only stayed for four days in place of the usual two weeks..there was much merriment, much game-playing...alo-o-t of laughing...steam trains, presents and pubs, word-up..........one thing was missing....i didn't do my usual -slope off on my own for a while most days to feel a bit sad-.........none of that......i just enjoyed...and laughed and felt content....i smile as i type this.....i feel less scrambly. i feel almost never sad.......christmas, for most of my grown-up years, has been tinged with a slight but very conscious sadness...i think due to singleness and christmas being a bit of a nightmare combination, and so for me to experience my first christmas as another's beloved...was pretty wonderful.



i love my family. have i mentioned that as we stroll these hallowed halls together before?! i really do just love them. my dad is such a dote. i catch him looking at me now and there relief and blessing and approval in his smile....he feels that i am happy. he is so aware of it. he comments on it, but only quietly...however, when i'm not around, he continues to tell the whole town about me and steve. i find this very funny.........my mother has never been more relaxed at christmas than she was this year, which makes life automatically funner for the rest of us....she was overjoyed to have 'all those boys' around the place - all those boys being steve, jimmy williams an of course her very own nicholas patrick. she is never happier than when the chickens are all under one roof..........and as for the rest of them, they are lovely.



and now its back to work and diets and giving up smoking (on weekdays) and feeling like a total cliche for trying to overhaul myself in the first two weeks of the year, knowing full-well that it won't last...so in order to avoid the full-on cliche i am maintaining my friendship with chocolate.



i feel strangely relaxed as the year begins. i think maybe because i actually have some idea about what i think may transpire for me this year, which is a sensation i've never once had before. it is also terrifying, as it all affects and is affected by the boy, and all concerns us making wise decisions about geography and jobs and schools and such......terrifying because, i am realising, it is trickier to relinquish one's independence that i had anticipated. not the giving of love and affection, but the remembering to tell the other that you have certain plans this week, or just the beginning of wanting to include them in your decision-making etc.......bizarrely i watched the penultimate episode of the west wing last night which concerns cj and danny and this very subject - the transition from lone wolf to inclusive partner....and i haven't exactly lived a solitary, bloody-minded existence for my grown-up life so far...some would say, looking in at our little corner of the world, that we have become mildly incapable of making decisions on our own! but....giving up what little Independence i do have is not hard, exactly, it just requires thought and attentiveness and mindfulness on a whole new scale.....so back to last night's episode....poor old danny, in the 'wing, he is trying to forge a future with our very own cj, while baffled daily by her seeming abject inability to consult him or even consider him as a major part of her life, all the while making her booty calls and secretly wishing she knew how to love him......they figure it out, obviously, and the guy who plays george mason in 24 makes her an offer that looks like its going to get her out of politics, so everyone's a winner.......so for me, watching that, it was quite heartening really, to see that i have not gone quite so far down the road towards emotional unilateralism as one might have suspected........however i do like my kitchen cupboards to be arranged in a certain way. and i do have very strict radio two and radio four schedules around which dances the rest of my day.....and i cannot understand why you wouldn't just pick the bath mat up off the floor and perch it over the corner of the bath, airing and drying all by itself...

but hey-ho, if you can't share your weird habits then what's it all about hey?
i gotta go
its nice to be back...love you xx

most wonderful time of the year?!?!

some might say so

and i am one of them

its the christmas markets as of today, people, and i am so excited. five pm today, watch me, i'm gone, down that oldham road, across town and then i shall delve into the christmassy, cosy, colourfully-lit wonderland of albert square...the smells and the laughing and the -I WANT THAT-s and the -ooooooh look at that brooch!just looks it it!-s and the bratwurst which i like the smell of and the idea of but not so much the eating.

saddle up friends, we are in for a glorious thirty-nine day sleigh ride to the fun and food of christmas...follow me, its going to be a good one!!

so..

tonight i am going here

(the cafe rene, gloucester..)

to drink some of this:

(several pints of draught weston's stowford press...west country in a glass..)

and hang out with the

(bear, the...lovely)

and then tomorrow, joy of joys, we are going here:

(westonbirt arboretum...in autumn...with a lovely man...also with nick+ang...day of fun....followed by fireworks at the docks in gloucester..and more stowfords...and then poker at rob and amy's.....can you imagine how giddy i'd be right now if i weren't so tired...?!)

not long now...

less=more

so right now the leaves are giving up on the trees. they're falling away, and leaving the tree behind..they gotta go...and they go so beautifully. there really wasn't any need for god to make it so, was there?

whoop!!

steve is going to be here tomorrow.
can you believe it?!

ok these are some of the things i like about him

he is funny. in a way that i'm not sure other people find funny but in a way that i certainly find funny.
he has the greyest of grey eyes which i had never thought to be a good thing but am now converted.
he is very kind and thoughtful. not in a make-you-a-card girl way, just in a thoughtful-boy way
when he is next to me i feel tiny. and after a lifetime of feeling like a big fat giant, my joy at experiencing this delightful sensation cannot be overstated.
he is full of fun facts to know and tell......as many of you will know, while i appear to be quite bright, am in fact a dunce at knowing how things work etc. he's good in explaining hows and becauses.
he witters. almost as badly as me
he knows alot of words. it won't surprise you to know that i find a wide range of vocabulary a pleasing attribute in a man.
ok sorry you probably didn't need all that....i'm done now don't worry

so i keep doing this thing lately, where when i'm in work and walk past one of our many unsold mirrors, or am in the bathroom about to clean my teeth, or in my room about to straighten my hair..............i turn to the mirror and i'm smiling. before i get there, already smiling. its become a bit of a feature.

a strange thing, when at last it happens.....

happy happy birthday.....

to fiona jane ezra hayward....

twenty-two today...

and a beauty, to be sure....

love you fifi trixabelle!!xxxxxxx

is there

anything more pleasant to have in your nose than the smell of autumn...?!
seriously..
i went out for a walk round ancoats today at lunchtime....travel-mug of coffee, a very rare smoking-during-school-hours occassion, and just walked, breathed in the air, listened to the kooks, looked at the cold bright day and, well...thought about a lovely man.
i know i keep going on about autumnal bliss but i really am giddier on a bright cold dry day than on any other. i think it wakes me up somehow. i think maybe part of me hibernates during summer...and i've got my smashing new winter coat (MT £2!!) and re-heeled winter boots...
seven weeks til the markets....

the world at one..

for anyone who still reads this..the news from lunchtime today..

me: hi

john: What's going on Hayward?
What's the news?

me: the news is do you guys want to go to trof for a beer tonight?

john: I can't tonight. I've promised I'd see a friend at chess

me: well news goes stale you know

john: I know

me: i could just tell you now

john: I'm already feeling it
And I've not even heard it yet

me: now? you want news now?

john: Well I could hear it now and then you could tell me again ?
How long does the news take?

me: two minutes

john: great

me: ok

john: ok

me: so i told you about the bear of a man
from the wedding

john: yeah

me: i went to london on saturday and met him in the afternoon

john: cool

me: we mooched around on the south bank, looked at books and old maps
mooched some more
went to a pub
sat outside and had two pints of cider over about two hours
talking talking

john: yeah

me: me liking him more

john: ok
this is like a Jane Austin novel
Lorna would love it

me: then we got a tube up to oxford street and went for a roam in behind the main roads and then ate pizza outside this fun pizza place..the kind of one that actually makes you feel like you're in europe and on holiday
loved it

john: I, too, love it

me: so we sat outside of there eating pizza and smoking
and lots more talking
and drinking wine

john: don't stop
I can't bear it
and then......?

me: and i'd told emily who i was staying with that i'd be back at half nine to have a drink with her and helen who is our other friend (these are friends from glos) so then it was ten o'clock and i'd had wine and lost track of time and i didn't fancy my chances of finding my way home by myself
his train home wasn't for ages

john: ok

me: so i said why don't you figuratively speaking walk me home, ie, tube and bus me home
he seemed very pleased not to be being sent home

john: right

me: so then we went down to oxford circus tube and then

john: then what?

me: there was hand holding

john: no way!
he held your hand
ok
keep going

me: and then when we were on the escalator going down to the tube, he was on the step in front of me and so we were the same height, it was the perfect moment and he took it..
kissed me jolly well there and then on the escalator

john: wow!

me: yep

john: What did you do?

me: kissed him jolly well back

john: ok then

me: obviously it was a limited time offer thing, we were on an escalator so someone was going to fall over
and then got the tube
then got a bus
then we got to em's

john: right
then what?

me: and then he came in with me and we hung out on the balcony with the girls for an hour and drank wine and smoked
and they loved him.

john: ahh
then what?

me: so then he had to go so i walked him to the bus then i said i like you and he said i really like you too and then he walked away and then i shouted after him 'bagsie not telling nick! (my brother)' and he was like 'oh no...' and then got on the bus
it was very funny
he looked gutted at me having bagsied it first

john: I bet he was
and what a lovely end to a very great day
and story

john: told exceptionally well
I must say

me: he's coming to visit in a few weeks and i'd very much like you and lorna to meet him..i'm not sure when it is but i think you'd really like him

john: ok
I'll get my hair done specially
don't want him thinking your friends are unclean

me: no indeed
and
he's going to tell nick.

john: Congratulations!

me: tonight
on the phone, which is good, for me, because i didn't want to do it

john: are you nervous?

me: about nick?

john: yeah
they're best friends, right?
who's the biggest?

me: yes..only because i've liked his friend before, a different friend, and he was thoroughly opposed to the idea
they are a very similar size

john: who's win in a fight?

me: i think steve might be a bit bigger
oh man
i really don't know who'd win

john: o

me: that is an excellent question

john: you better find out
in case anything happens

me: they are both very bear-like

john: ok
but gentle too perhaps?

me: indeed

john: I love your life

me: hahahhahahhaha

john: see you on wednesday hopefully

me: have fun in the shire!!
love to lorna
xx

john : thanks
x
bye

ursa major

potential confirmed

autumnally

I’m so excited
Last night, I got home to my flat after London, baby and It was cold….got in bed, cold…slept like a baby………woke up, cold…put big jumper and long jeans on….stepped outside….air - cold….sky - clear….sun - trying…oh and its autumn, people!!!!
I’m bursting with the excitement of it all…..
Honestly, I looked for new winter boots today, and am bringing my pile of winter coats into town tomorrow to get them cleaned. I am thinking about advent and gluwein and fireworks and mittens.
I know, cate and helen, its sheer madness to you, but love me, love my woolly hat…

The (recent) Times Rich (in life) List..

sleep - good..isn't it...? finally...almost two weeks of good sleep now...and i'm tired, alot, because the floodgates are opened, and the months of awakeness are stamping down my door telling me i owe them sleep....the sleep baliffs....and i give in....its good...

wedding - good..i officially love being a bridesmaid..i have never been hugged so many times in one day..never looked so hot...never grinned so much..never drank so much wine...never been to the cafe rene til four am in a posh frock before (yeah we bridesmaids and ushers snuck off to our local after it was all over and rolled home when we'd had enough...)

friends - good (in a crisis, you can rely on hawkes and sal for movies and wine, at work i can trust in the support and encouragement of friends, in the shire i can know that friends love to see me arrive back..some far away friends are happier than i have seen them ever, and some closer to home are nesting, or nursing black eyes, or falling in love, and each one of them surprises me a little more ever year that passes....)

the anticipation of christmas - good.....a little early perhaps, but the nights are darker, and while that means fewer balmy evenings (although i think we had about four of them all 'summer', at last count!) it also means mittens and red starbucks cups and the markets and the delicious joys of advent....can't wait...

god - good (this is not exactly breaking news, perhaps, but reminders are ever-helpful)

family - good (i adore them. i love how collectively happy we were at the wedding and either side of it. my dad beaming, my mum giddy, fiona the belle of the ball, jimmy in tow who was quite the hit, and nick and angela as happy as children, just pure happy...)

skirts - good (its a late end o'the summer campaign to bring back skirts..)

men - good (well, just one..and he's more potentially good, rather than confirmed as good...we'll see...)

'mark watson makes the world substantially better' - good (radio four late-night comedy and my new favourite comedian!)

work - good..just good..

manchester being sunny in september like we've been holding out for - good

hanging out with denno - good..been chuffing ages..worth the wait...

john simpson books - good

the holiday - good..jack black..what a guy..

wallet getting stolen - not as bad as when phone got stolen

nicely painted nails - good

new frizz ease conditioner purchased with advantage card points - good

i think i'm done...

sorry its been so freaking long....i've missed this!!love you x

ok, ok.