brisk

i had a bit of rage earlier
i had to do some pretty fierce negotiating with some people at work, i also got cross about something that made me cross, and i was also feeling harrangued. and frustrated. and a bit caged. and, well, you know....its february....
so as lunch time drew near i knew that i needed the air of outside rather than the air of inside.

and so i went for a small walk and admired once more my favourite building in manchester.....
isn't she a beauty?

i was calmed, and aired and breezed and therefore simply alright again.

ps: journal update: maybe i just need a nice new pen.......

manchester evening views

i took this photo shortly before the aformentioned idiocy occurred this evening....
as i left work for the walk to town, this was what greeted me...

ps: journal update: not sure what's going on, but.....well, maybe in my head, i went too far....maybe the bok is just too nice to write in....?!

gone away is the bluebird..

what a lovely christmastime i had.

possibly my favourite ever....no-one died, no-one had an ambulance to the house on christmas day, no-one argued with anyone, the grandparent unit only stayed for four days in place of the usual two weeks..there was much merriment, much game-playing...alo-o-t of laughing...steam trains, presents and pubs, word-up..........one thing was missing....i didn't do my usual -slope off on my own for a while most days to feel a bit sad-.........none of that......i just enjoyed...and laughed and felt content....i smile as i type this.....i feel less scrambly. i feel almost never sad.......christmas, for most of my grown-up years, has been tinged with a slight but very conscious sadness...i think due to singleness and christmas being a bit of a nightmare combination, and so for me to experience my first christmas as another's beloved...was pretty wonderful.



i love my family. have i mentioned that as we stroll these hallowed halls together before?! i really do just love them. my dad is such a dote. i catch him looking at me now and there relief and blessing and approval in his smile....he feels that i am happy. he is so aware of it. he comments on it, but only quietly...however, when i'm not around, he continues to tell the whole town about me and steve. i find this very funny.........my mother has never been more relaxed at christmas than she was this year, which makes life automatically funner for the rest of us....she was overjoyed to have 'all those boys' around the place - all those boys being steve, jimmy williams an of course her very own nicholas patrick. she is never happier than when the chickens are all under one roof..........and as for the rest of them, they are lovely.



and now its back to work and diets and giving up smoking (on weekdays) and feeling like a total cliche for trying to overhaul myself in the first two weeks of the year, knowing full-well that it won't last...so in order to avoid the full-on cliche i am maintaining my friendship with chocolate.



i feel strangely relaxed as the year begins. i think maybe because i actually have some idea about what i think may transpire for me this year, which is a sensation i've never once had before. it is also terrifying, as it all affects and is affected by the boy, and all concerns us making wise decisions about geography and jobs and schools and such......terrifying because, i am realising, it is trickier to relinquish one's independence that i had anticipated. not the giving of love and affection, but the remembering to tell the other that you have certain plans this week, or just the beginning of wanting to include them in your decision-making etc.......bizarrely i watched the penultimate episode of the west wing last night which concerns cj and danny and this very subject - the transition from lone wolf to inclusive partner....and i haven't exactly lived a solitary, bloody-minded existence for my grown-up life so far...some would say, looking in at our little corner of the world, that we have become mildly incapable of making decisions on our own! but....giving up what little Independence i do have is not hard, exactly, it just requires thought and attentiveness and mindfulness on a whole new scale.....so back to last night's episode....poor old danny, in the 'wing, he is trying to forge a future with our very own cj, while baffled daily by her seeming abject inability to consult him or even consider him as a major part of her life, all the while making her booty calls and secretly wishing she knew how to love him......they figure it out, obviously, and the guy who plays george mason in 24 makes her an offer that looks like its going to get her out of politics, so everyone's a winner.......so for me, watching that, it was quite heartening really, to see that i have not gone quite so far down the road towards emotional unilateralism as one might have suspected........however i do like my kitchen cupboards to be arranged in a certain way. and i do have very strict radio two and radio four schedules around which dances the rest of my day.....and i cannot understand why you wouldn't just pick the bath mat up off the floor and perch it over the corner of the bath, airing and drying all by itself...

but hey-ho, if you can't share your weird habits then what's it all about hey?
i gotta go
its nice to be back...love you xx

most wonderful time of the year?!?!

some might say so

and i am one of them

its the christmas markets as of today, people, and i am so excited. five pm today, watch me, i'm gone, down that oldham road, across town and then i shall delve into the christmassy, cosy, colourfully-lit wonderland of albert square...the smells and the laughing and the -I WANT THAT-s and the -ooooooh look at that brooch!just looks it it!-s and the bratwurst which i like the smell of and the idea of but not so much the eating.

saddle up friends, we are in for a glorious thirty-nine day sleigh ride to the fun and food of christmas...follow me, its going to be a good one!!

so..

tonight i am going here

(the cafe rene, gloucester..)

to drink some of this:

(several pints of draught weston's stowford press...west country in a glass..)

and hang out with the

(bear, the...lovely)

and then tomorrow, joy of joys, we are going here:

(westonbirt arboretum...in autumn...with a lovely man...also with nick+ang...day of fun....followed by fireworks at the docks in gloucester..and more stowfords...and then poker at rob and amy's.....can you imagine how giddy i'd be right now if i weren't so tired...?!)

not long now...

less=more

so right now the leaves are giving up on the trees. they're falling away, and leaving the tree behind..they gotta go...and they go so beautifully. there really wasn't any need for god to make it so, was there?

is there

anything more pleasant to have in your nose than the smell of autumn...?!
seriously..
i went out for a walk round ancoats today at lunchtime....travel-mug of coffee, a very rare smoking-during-school-hours occassion, and just walked, breathed in the air, listened to the kooks, looked at the cold bright day and, well...thought about a lovely man.
i know i keep going on about autumnal bliss but i really am giddier on a bright cold dry day than on any other. i think it wakes me up somehow. i think maybe part of me hibernates during summer...and i've got my smashing new winter coat (MT £2!!) and re-heeled winter boots...
seven weeks til the markets....

autumnally

I’m so excited
Last night, I got home to my flat after London, baby and It was cold….got in bed, cold…slept like a baby………woke up, cold…put big jumper and long jeans on….stepped outside….air - cold….sky - clear….sun - trying…oh and its autumn, people!!!!
I’m bursting with the excitement of it all…..
Honestly, I looked for new winter boots today, and am bringing my pile of winter coats into town tomorrow to get them cleaned. I am thinking about advent and gluwein and fireworks and mittens.
I know, cate and helen, its sheer madness to you, but love me, love my woolly hat…

holy shire..

its here...the long-awaited friday of homegoing is here....the last day of term, the last friday before christmas, the last waking up early in 2006....the first day of my holidays....!

and here, for your festive enjoyment, is a photo my mother sent me on her flash new phone of what awaits me there...!

evensong..

so last night i left work and had a lovely walk in the dry, nose-reddening cold to the cathedral. they have evensong there at 5, or 5.30 all weekdays....and i had never been before. there were more people in the choir than in the non-choir, and they all knew what to do and when to stand up and when to turn to face the cross and all that stuff. i knew nothing. i realised what a strange and wonderful thing church is when mid-rigmarole, how it makes no sense unless you know.....this, having been precisely why i left catholicism behind me, is why i can't ordinarily now squeeze myself into the routine of organised services...but you know, i think i must be maturing, because the bizzarity of the whole thing struck me as discipline, as order, as quite lifting...it felt like homage...and it was in the cavermous quiet of manchester cathedral, which is like a younger, warmer version of gloucester cathedral...that the half-dozen of us gathered yesterday evening, for the onyl time ever/ would never be in the same room together again, and never have evensong together again four nights before christmas in the year of our lord two thousand and six...
lovely...

fullheartedly..

i have that slightly tingly sensation today. the anticipation of going home, but not just any old going home, nay, going home for christmas....i was talking to someone last night about the love of the train ride home. i'm not actually getting the train this friday, but catching a lift with mark and chrissie....but the southward journey, seeing the stone of buldings become more normal to me, the lie of the land more pleasing to my eye, and names of places less peculiar, the hills and woods more familiar.
and this is where i make my confession....everytime i go home, but even more in the winterly anticipation of christmas....the lines from -anne of the island- come into my head quickly and clearly....it is my favourite one of the six books, as you may know, and still marks so much of the writing that has made me think -if only i could have written this...- but the truth that some of you may also already know, is that the book is emotionally so open that it is cliched to us now.....the lines are on this page...read them if you wish, and forgive me, if you can my hopeless melodrama...but i love her, and on this one, i trust her to say it better than me....

the winter wonderland..

ah, such wonder...
i had ever such a lovely time in wales this weekend!
to all present, i thank thee..to those who for a minute every now and again i wished were there, consider yourself missed....
the drive down, surprisingly, was probably my favourite time...and no wait, the drive back too..! me cate and hattie found ourselves the first to arrive and last to leave - therefore the homemakers and the clear-up committee...both of which were lovely in their own ways...
and i enjoyed very much the company of the wezzles family, seeing caleb so tired he could hardly move but then being so alive whenever we were praying, having mr vino in our collective midst and wondering how we got by without him all those years....seeing the hughes family, much missed round these parts...
i really felt this air of ease, like we really have made it out of the fearful, insecure time of who's better than who or who's doing better with god than who, and who's going to lead things and whatever....it felt very much like we really do just function together now.....not that we're anywhere near writing the book on it, but it really did seem like a family doing things together and everyone pitching in just when they and only they could do their part...
i loved it

the stage is set...

i can now gladly announce that the first in our advent season of winterly film watching will commence this sunday evening at 7pm at my house.
pigface you said somethign about mulled wine...?!
i'll get the stollen and various other things, feel free to bring anything else you'd like, and cushions or blankets if you so wish, as seating is somewhat limited...!
wooooooooohhhhhhhhooooooowwww

winterly watching..

so i have decided that since the coming five weeks makes me an equivalent giddy to sal at the start of the world cup, i am going to celebrate in style.
the style, rather than cullinary expeditions, shall be winterly watching, of christmassy movies, at my house, once a week during advent...
i think sunday evenings would be good (this is up for negotiations...), i think company would be great, and i think you guys should get on board and let hollywood bring you that sense of wonderous anticipation about celebrating the birth of our lord through films that are generally..in fact invariably, nothing to do with him at all, but are snowy and splendid nevertheless..!

all in favour, say..........santa claus the movie....!

all suggestions welcome as to what our collective top five christmas films might be, as there are usually five sundays in advent it would all work out beautifully!

woohoo and yay

marketeering..

so today the christmas markets start in manchester and i am so excited.
it sound like a very lame and dull post is about to come, mes amies, mais non!
the markets are so lovely. you feel warm in the cold, you feel at home in the town, you know it but its new and the smells are of christmas and winterly weather and food and people and sweets and leather handbags and scarves and hats, and naturellement, the gluwein......yes the spicy wine of loveliness and warmth is back on our shores once again, and i for one cannot wait!
some jammy people that work at the town hall and the like have probably already been there, at lunchtime. curses. ancoats is decidedly disadvantageous for market-attendance, but do not you worry, i shall be there, come the stroke of 5 o'clock i'll be out the door, shawl on, gloved up and my heart glad, for christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat.

bonjour, mes amis...

oh please forgive me.
for the love of internet! i have some at my new house...and no computer...
i have some at work and no access to blog sites...
but then - i found that one can email to one's very own blog
geeks are so smart. blogger geeks - i salute you!
commentators.....again, please forgive my neglect....
i have not one excuse. not even a bad one, so i offer none. i am crap.
well, i'm not sure about that last part, but i am sorry
i could write one of those nice long list-posts, i think i'm quite good at those...
or i could not say anything at all about what i've been doing, and just start with today.

truth is, not much has happened.
i am not near to god, in my heart, and therefore i am not changing. and not changing means there's really not much to tell.

but, i have moved to blair road, finally taking my turn at living in the wezzle homestead. the top floor flat is mine all to myself with no smelly boys, no disappeared toilet paper and no washing up left around the place.
the night before i left heald to go there, helen spied me looking rather nervous. she was like -oh, you know jesus is waiting there for you, don't you! nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, just you and him- and she smelt the fear. and now i know that the fear was entirely founded, in the reality that when left alone, backed into a corner with god, he's there waiting and i think he's been waiting a while. he's staring at me and its making me nervous. i now live with him, and no-ne else, and he knows everything about me. and he still likes me.
thunderbolt city.

i am now learning that life fully with jesus, with all the ups and downs and questions without answers and challenge and intensity and quietness and general collage of contradiction, is so much better than the last six weeks or so, probably more, of bland, quietly-corrupted, self-absorbed, prayer-less unholy holiday....it really has been rather alot longer than six weeks, too......there have been moments, where i have wanted to know god, and been temporarily committed to that idea, never really gaining enough speed with it for it to be mistaken for pursuit. but i do not want moments anymore. i want whole afternoons, days, weeks and decades of walking with god. enoch managed 300 years of walking with the lord. imagine.

i know i have made statements of intent, and rash promises, on these very pages enough times before, so i am not about to do that again today. but i do want to break this cursed cycle of a jesus-less autumn, because it is, after all, my favourite time of year, and you should always be with those you want to love the most at your favourite time of year.

look at it! just look outside - shiny and blue and clean and freakin cold - my all-time favourite weather......

hats on people, mitten up, its time to read the bible....

sitting on the toolbox..

so i am a fan of the jcb song..
i spent the last 24 hours out and about in the countryside of ours and a neighbouring shire..i saw tractors, watched a cat fight with a crazy fox, heard the rooster crow in the wee small hours as we were outside still drinking wine, playing in the snow and sneaking cigarettes..we practised our shire accents (owl: one syllable or two...?!), watched the chickens and listened to the quiet..
i do like it round here..
went out tonight for a bit of a warm-up beverage with my accomplices for tomorrow night.we've placed our bets on who may be found first crying in a corner somewhere, who might get up to no good, and have fully-laid plans for where to proceed to after crackers..
whochester? can't hear ya...

ride a white swan..

is my favourite t-rex song..
my mum loves t-rex
so things are calmer today. we fetched granny home from gloucester royal..she is well, drinking gin, commandeering and generally back at the helm.
i don't think i've ever been at the helm of anything..
she is well, and thanks for concerned phone calls etc.
i am still at a loss as to what happens on new years eve. i guess i want something vaguely new. so maybe a new place, or new people, or both, but i'm not sure how its gonna happen.
i watched the great escape today, and other than eddie's version, it was actually the first time i'd seen it. i know the comedy version pretty much off by heart, so this was new and exciting. i loved it...especially danny and poor colin.
brilliant
so, ok, i know i don't have that many regular commentors these days, but i am about to spend a day or two making some cds for a friend who is entirely uneducated in music history, and i would like any suggestions of bands or singers who in a collection of music representing somethings of the last forty or fifty years, cannot be overlooked...go crazy..
i also watched goodnight mister tom today, with inspector morse in it, and i was struck by what a bizarre concept the evacuation of children is. i also wept..like, properly cried. its been a while.
i also heard from cate, yesterday..!! she made it to south africa, in case any of you were still left wondering if she remained stranded in seattle....she made it, and got my present...hurrah!!!!!! i'm off to make real irish coffees now, in the fun proper glasses and all...and have a cigarette....its that strange weather round here tonight though, where its almost too cold to smoke...now i know this sounds about as stupid an idea as it being too cold to snow, but believe me, there's no evidence for it but it is scientific fact..sorry once more for a dull post, but being as i am in a house with broadband and a lovely laptop, it would be rude not to..x

none for the usual..

well what a to-do..
we've had a bit more than your average turkey, mince pies and what-not in our house today..my grandmother, not to be outdone by the lord jesus and his birthday, had some sort of bizarre attack of something in the late morning, and later the doctor came round, followed by hospital people, and now she's gone in there for the night..madness i tell you...you don't realise how routined your christmas day has become until things happen that change it and as soon as that happens it doesn't feel like christmas anymore...we're ok now, and the two ronnies are on tv so its all gonna be alright...kind of a wierd scary day though..made me think, as i realised that she had in fact lost a fair amount of counsciousness and had kind of stopped breathing, that i didn't want her to die without us liking each other a bit more than we do, cos we don't really, very much, and that's horrid. an old man collapsed in church this morning too, we thought he had died but he hadn't but i was praying in tongues before i knew it, which isn't easy in a catholic church, and the thought wa crossing my mind of, if it came to it, would i actually walk over there in front of 400 people and command him to live in the name of jesus...!?! the rest would have been ministering the last rights and praying for his safe passage through pergatory, and i figured i may well have been the only person there to march over there and pray the unthinkable. that was odd enough, without the same thoughts then running through my head sitting in the lounge on my second gin and it of the day, wondering which of the parcels for me would have a douglas coupland book in it...
i got my bag though....green corduroy with daisies and weeds on it...its so pretty..so that was good. it has actually been surprisingly fun, given everything..especially hearing from cate, getting a lush new jacket, giving my family presents that made them cry!! (in a good way..i think..!?) getting to pray with my family...listening to the jcb song a lot, and anticipating seeing my friends over the next couple of days who i love and who love me...and the bubble and squeak of tomorrow morning..and my new green earrings from my grandad and perfume and slippers and two yes two radios....what joy...sadie will be fine, we are quite sure of that...poor grandad though, her being in gloucester royal..it means we get to give him all the sweets and whiskeys and chocolates and cake and stuff that he wants though this evening, cos she's not here to tell him off! right the two ronnies have been spurned in favour of blogger, which cannot be right, i'm off to catch the end...its goodnight from me, and well, love you and happy christmas...!

all apologies..

so i guess i could do the sneaky back-dating-blogger thing..
but i think that would give too much undue attention to the last few weeks..
its been good, but not that good...!
went to cardiff...sold some drums, stayed with ben and jules, had some snow, watched harry potter, hung out with my sister, laughed a lot, saw the pienaars, discovered brandy in coffee and got very cold. and was denied a trip to the winter wonderland. loved cardiff.
came back to manchester. loved it. left again, went to lincoln, sold some more drums, worked the longest three days i've ever worked, drank beer and came back again.
loved manchester. going away is good but coming back, as they say, is better.
have been spending a good amount of time at the christmas markets, have been spending a better amount of time in my house, which now although less populated, feels more chilled and more pray-in-able.
and next week i'm going home for christmas. i'm excited about that.
before then, i want to see sal, see t and a, have my last day at my job, find another job, watch the polar express in 3d at the movies, make some fun thing to go on the wall in our kitchen, sing more carols, make tiffin, make more soup, see halen dc, get a massage, laugh, take photos at the christmas market..
i'll check in with you on thursday upon my departure for the holidays to see how many i have achieved
sorry that after such a pause this is such a shit post. i'm tired,
many loves to you all
cate if you're there i miss you!