peace in my peaceweek

so i have enjoyed peaceweek so far
i went and did some meditation with a load of hilarious old west indian women at our lady's cathlic church in moss side. the hugged me and called me baby and practially ran me over when i was handing out the candles at the end..
i got very lost trying to find the prayer room in longsight, but it meant i walked around longsight for a long time, never finding the church but instead finding longsight, which i've never really done before.
the office is funny, its such a mess, peace fm is on all the time with some crazy guy either instructing people to never trust the police (helpful) or with annoucements for all kinds of wonderful projects and things happening in the area, or adverts each about ten minutes long, all fighting over being the best caribbean take away on the parkway....its funny, i like it. its so far outside of what i normally spend my time listening to, its really good.

so i am still struggling with the lawyer conundrum. you know those times when you have a decision to make, and people pray or whatever and they say oh i just feel like god says you can choose, that either way is good, you jsut decide and he'll give you the grace to do either thing..and you always go, oh no, that sucks, i'd rather he just told me outright what to do. thing is, i know now is one of the times when he will decide, but that's so much harder, because it means i have to be really listening. and i feel this huge pressure in me, that i am putting in myself, to have the best possible listening ears i have ever had, so that i can listen right and make good choices. and i don't, i haven't, i can't
but equally, its blantenly one of those times when he's not gonna tell anyone else.
dammit

sorry that was rambling.

so, my fast is done. forty days was up last night. i ate white chocolate mice. and this is why i am more confused, not the mice, but the fast, because i really prayed god would tell me what to do by the end of it....but then, some people seem to think it often all comes clear in the aftermath. either way i'm a bit scared i think that i might have somehow missed the boat. or maybe the point.....

with reference to the last post, i am still content. but what i have realised in the last couple of days, is that even while i am content, i am not at all satisfied. and (she says quietly) i'm not ever sure i want to be, but with it i just feel so frustrated and reading something in howie's last night about living the life you love.....it kinda made me cry in the bath. i want a job that i love. that's all. and a man, would be nice.

its the european dream

please don't misunderstand me dearest readers...i am not sad, or moaning (for once!)...am just frustrated at not feeling like i'm making progress finding my way. a helpful boy pointed out though that just loving jesus and saying thanks for a while with no questioning would probably be the best way to go.

so the peace parade is this evening. do come if you can.

drago dragonfly i love you

the march family..

i would just like to tell you about my house, and the family that god seems to be growing in it...
i have spent good time with kates the last couple of days, and the more i hang out with her the more i am amused and challenged and encouraged by her. the friendship we have is fast becoming something like those surrogate sisters that only jesus can form in two people, and we are helping one another and laughing together alot.
iain is the man of the house; as he is wont to point out he has been there the longest, and as he is also the self-appointed energy monitor, it kind of makes him the dad by default. the jazz debate seems to have subsided lately, and with him in the house there is always another interesting book half-read on the kitchen table when i come in.
john is the new boy, my anti-nme friend, and he is so funny. i will be sad when he goes away next week. i came down the other day to find him listening to the third or even fourth cake album...who the chuff knew there even were more after fashion nugget..?! so that was good..he humours us when he catches us talking about god, or praying or jeremiah or some such, and wryly smiles like he knows we might have a point but he's not ready to raise his objections to it all with us just yet.

sometimes, and more often lately, i think about haiwaii...or vancouver...or kampala..or matsumoto.......and barcelona, santiago, iceland, georgia, belarus, tarifa, salamanca, san sebastian, venezuela, los picos.....the places i always used to think were necessary to me, dreams that ended up kind of defining me..na who's going to spain...these places held my thoughts and daydreams for years..but now i think i just want to be where god wants me to be, no questions asked, no rueing the day, no what ifs or how comes they get to, no why didn't that work or how long will i have to stay here or shit i haven't been on a plane for nine months...

see even now i'm tempted to express to try and explain it away, or excuse it almost by saying oh i still don't think i'll be staying in manchester forever..i shan't say it...it wouldn't be strictly true, i don't know what i think anymore..i guess i'm learning how to be content...wierd heh.....

would still love to be in minsk right now though....

my name is luka

so i am at home, in the shire, and its lovely and warm in the house and lovely and oldly familiar outside
the new inn last night was fun, got mauled by the now-engaged rob and amy who it seems really do miss me when i'm away, had a lovely time not drinking, a really good time not smoking, and then did sober kareoke....and ended up singing luka as an encore and being thursday's grand finale

so my list of things i must not do last night
smoke
drink alcohol
fancy luke
i acheived not doing them entirely well
hurrah!
smug smug smug
not really
thanks god you are a wonder and a gem
i also laughed alot alot and then me and fi got home and stayed up talking about boys and me being a lawyer and her living by the sea and getting the best room

all in all, a triumph of an evening
loved it
and i would like to take this opportunity to say sal thanks thanks THANKS i love you, and jason mraz here we come baby!!! alright!

how very odd..

lst night, i received two text messages within about half an hour of eachother, saying that these two different people had just been - independently of eachother - waching the film of sense and sensibility, and that it had reminded them of me

i can't think about it for too long because its wierd, but it is wierd, isn't it..?!
needless to say, i shall now be picking up that wonderful book myself this evening to take on my train journey
for i am off to the shire later, to celebrate my irishness in style
and to not smoke
even when in the pub
my favourite pub
with my brother
eeeeek

i made a new friend who knows the nme is wrong

so i watched crash last night
i haven't been got by a film this much for a long time, i just loved it.
i loved everything about it
its certainly the first time that i have loved a film this much that has also won the best picture oscar.
i seem to have lost all sentence-forming ability here don't it?!
sorry
i am well anyway, apologies for my blogslack, thing is, some things are so muddled just now that not even blogging has appealed
muddled, yes
becoming a lawyer...not so sure
some of you may have heard on the eddie grapevine that i am considering with the lord the idea of training in human rights law, taking the bar and then rushing off to save the world.
i can assure you dear reader that my will in this direction has remained at a fairly stable 30% in favour for the last few weeks, without increment.
i have, however, had to learn certain things about myself while thinking about it all, and realised that am l quite a scardy cat, with alarmingly little faith in my own abilities. and, perhaps even sadder than that, surprisingly little faith in you aall, because i didn't want to blog about it cos i thought you would howl with laughter
howl away, my loves, its nowhere near a done deal and i need to be stopped in my tracks if it is, as i suspect, the most woeful carrer idea yet
however if you have anything sensible to add to the debate, that would also be lovely
i go
fyi its peaceweek in like two days' time, the prayer room is open as of sunday, 24 hours a day, at the nazarene church on plymouth grove...go pray good people, go pray
peace fm is 106.5
its interesting