notes from camp..

so i'm living in a field for a week. still have no idea how god did it, but i totally give him credit for getting everyone at work to agree to my fleeing the office for all these lovely days off....i figure its gotta be for a reason, right? as in, (jaded mind-speak) he got me space, but there's gotta be a catch.

or, child-like-mind-speak, hes taken me out into a spacious place - has rescued me because he delighted in me

that bit of that psalm, man, i lived by that for like two years....my whole life, after flicking my god-switch, was like one ma-hoo-sive spacious place. and i knew he delighted in me.
now....i don't know or belive either of those things. now hear me, i don't want sympathy. or even prayer, i feel like this should be hard. something needs to be re-worked. i feel like i've taken something for granted. or like i've made something good into the inverse of what it was, without really knowing what it was supposed to be in the first place.
ok, clearer.....i didn't know until i got the physical spacious place on monday evening, that my spirit, above all things, was cramped and in need of space. those of you who have been paying attention lately may have noticed that i have become entirely void of any decision-making-ability, peace-maintaining-capacity, dream-hatching-inspiration, love-that-knows-netiher-condition-nor-bound, and kindness-driven-intuition.

i'm pretty sure what's happened is this - i began to make plans - for my life, you know......but god vetoed every single one of them. from this, i now believe, my sub-sub-soncious deduced, over time, that god hated me.

i've been hated before. by people. then? i rebelled. in the original sense of the word. i allowed myself to believe i was more than them. better. smarter. kinder. stronger. more beautiful
so, true to the only form i've ever adopted through being hated, my body began to react in that way towards god.
but what i knew, as soon as space was granted me on monday evening, was this.
i will never be more beautiful than god
can you believe it...can you believe i had to learn that?
shit
i used to know that i belonged in a spacious place. where i used to be happy to sit and wait. often with phil. for understanding. for wisdom. for strength. for love. for gifts. for change. for progress. for movement.
i got bored of waiting, god. i stopped waiting for you.
shit
oh whoever's reading this, please forgive me
and i lied before, i do need you to pray