what's the *&^%? what's the big *&^%?

Had another set-back today. Kinda believed last night when I found that course , that that was going to be the one – my stepping stone….or just my cliff…but I found that even after the set-back I felt no further away from the match results of the end game. The vision, the big idea…I need a new term for this. I can’t use either of those ones now, pete grieg owns them…

Am beginning to think more and more that I don’t actually want to work for a newspaper. Don’t ask my why – when this has been the core of the Big Idea for some time now..but I just can’t picture it – not in a faith-less, really wish I could picture it kind of a way, just in a nah, not sure that’s where the plan leads to, kind of a way. Oh god could I be more inarticulate today..? all I know is that I want to write. For a living. Not sure how or where yet. But hey..the frustration feels eased just now.

So anyways…think I’m gonna be a florist for a while..

Yep

The fun part of today was hanging out with our new-found friend again. I think she’s (while actually finding it quite weird, now she can see it in its reality) reminding us of our need for each other. She is me, anyway. And also she’s allowing me to see, oddly enough, that I have been moved from my former place of total dependency on others. And I know she’s gonna get there too. I have a lot a lot of hope for her.

I miss home at the moment. I miss mum and dad.. and nick, and the little one. The comfort of it all. A room that is actually mine. A computer with more mp3’s than you could shake a marching-band baton at….the bench that I pretty much own in the garden. Photos that chart the lives I know better than any other. People who I share genes and therefore attitudes and ways of thinking with. And yet people I sometimes have so little in common with. I feel like my two different worlds are being merged at the moment though, just with how hard dad’s working to help me get where I want to go.

Not two such different families, after all.