back in the u.u.k.k.

could never make a song, could it?
ok, here goes..an attempt to update my poorly neglected pathetic attempt at a blog...
sorry, readers.
life has changed somewhat since last writing from the relative sense and comfort of the aforementioned internet cafe. i am now, surprisingly (or not..) back in the Shire of england. i still can't quite believe it sometimes. but, what is even more staggering, is that i am rather enjoying it. dear reader, do not misunderstand me, i loved barcelona. but it would seem, that for the moment, our time together was only meant to be brief, and i, in all my haste and pent-up desire to leave this place, had crafted god's idea of a forty-day (for as it turns out, since returning i have done the math...indeed, i was there for precisely that biblically-significant amount of time) excursion to learn, see, observe, take note, laugh, drink very cheap, very good wine and make some good friendships, and made it into rather more than that. see, i had banked on moving to spain for good, or at least until something better came into god's mind, at which point i planned to move gladly on. note: i planned. i'd planned it for years. i'd wonted it for more, and had bided (is that the past participle?) my time, working, or not, being in manchester, and was then given the go-ahead. god set no time-frame, as is his wont. so i made one instead. i did the tefl, got ready, packed all my things, took a one-way ticket and made a run for it. i got into a flat, a four-month contract, and began the job-hunt, which as is now apparent, was wholly unsuccessful. why? well, therein lies my single line of thought for a couple of weeks, at the end of october/start of november. i am now reflected-out. i can look at the facts of the case with a certain amount of clarity right now, and safely say, that however humiliating it may be, i wasn't meant to go and stay. not for more than that allocated amount of time. so now i am stuck with the rent contract, and worse off than i was on the 25th of september. apart from one thing...i loved it, i loved the place, the people, the coffee, the tree-house, the tea-shop, the cathedral courtyard, the walk down to the marina, the boats and their little lights, the chandelier, the food made by fran, the times with fran, the good that did both of us, the cell, the jaume 1 metro station, the bar with the books, the sangria with lora, all my times with lora, the sun on the roof while praying with torres, claire and phil, lalo, natalia, the tortilla......i loved it. it doesn't feel particularly real, right now, but i know it happened, and i have the changes in me to prove it. and the stories and truths god let me in on, about the city, while i was there. they were the reason. all of the above. so no tail between legs, no apologies, no excuses. yeah i made some bad decisions, but they were the ones where i simply did not let god in on the deciding. so, lesson learned. well, learning.
the truth is, well, listen up. i was reading a book the last week i was in barcelona. its called the journey of desire. its quite cheesey, well, very, but by the near-end of it i was hooked. i couldn't put it down. but it was getting horribly close to the end and i still felt like the guy hadn't made his Point. you know, the thing i'd remember the book for, the reason why he wrote it. so i carried on, and the night before i flew back, i got there. he was talking about how, all his life, he wanted badly, to live on a ranch - on a huge bit of land, with lots of farm-buildings and lots of space. he'd always been able to see it, exactly how he wanted it, in his mind's eye. and one day, driving somewhere else, he found it. the place. it was just like he'd imagined and dreamt it to be. he began driving towards it. stopped after a while and knew he was to go no further. the thought came to him: " i could be happy here without god"
read: spain, for na.
it had become the land of plenty for me. the place of fulfillment of dreams, of happiness, of merry times and me being me. but if me is precisely who god says i am , nothing added, nothing taken away, then surely that ought to be possible here as much as anywhere else. ought to be no more possible in a place just because i love it, and just because i say so. years i had waited. since i was about 13. to go and teach english in spain. to make my home there. and one word from god was enough. i've wasted a lot of money (mine and other people's) and time and energy and lost a couple of friends for nothing, if i don't look at it how he does: he achieved in me in those few weeks as much as he had planned to. he'd shown me as much as i was ready to see. explained as much as he needed me to understand.
so now, i'm here. i know its right for now. its about all i know but its enough. for the first time, its enough.
hurrah
love x