the pensieve

well, here we are again at midnight, cup of tea in hand, freshly smoked in the back garden and ready to write....not sure what
have been learning alot lately....about my family tree, about nuclear-fuelled electricity, about gk chesterton and about the decision to like god even when it seems fruitless and is hard to do. have been trying to find my way through the mire of job decision that i find myself in yet again, trying to decipher the various signs of what is and is not right for me to commit to, and trying, mostly falteringly, to pass the incessant tests that god is putting in front me, weighing my opions by putting job offers on the table - at the RAF, at British Energy, and at a building society in gloucester where at least a third of the people i knew and disliked at school have ended up working. it is truly a greyer, less imaginative place than i have ever had the discomfort to find myself almost working in. as for the first two, i find now that my until now faintly held beliefs about the ethics and ambitions of those two organisations have in fact stood up in me, and prevented me from saying yes to them. this, from the girl who has no money, has left half her possessions in another country, and seems to now have entirely changed her direction in life! its hard to trust myself right now, my instincts, my gut feelings, me heart i feel they are all untrustworthy, and yet god seems to be pointing to them and saying if you would only give these back to me i will and can use them to guide you...if you will lend me an ear i will speak into it, but it must first be closed off to the voices which have confused you.
ok i'm reading articles, not concentrating
will be back tomorrow