all these things that i've done

is such a song by the killers
such a song
everytime i listen to it i'm scared, at the start, that i'll find out i'm bored of it, but it still does it for me everytime
so yeah i went to soul survivor
i had anticipated feeling awkward and cross, and out of place and frustrated with chrisitans and all the usual baggage that goes along with me at a christian event. but something happened which i think involved god teaching me how to love his people more...i am usually so enraged by the mediocrity of the songs, the blandness of the words being spoken, and irritated by the characters themselves.
i think it had a lot to do with the fact that i was with rusty, who seems to manage his own similar frustrations and its like they just help him want god more, instead of just settling for wanting church less...
it was also something to do with the fact that i was such a free agent there, not attached to any one church, denomination, group or idea..and do you know, i never once had to have the conversation of - oh so what church do you go to then - oh, well, i don't, i just love god, hang out and live my life...
not once
i enjoyed that unique feeling of being able to just talk to people - primarily the others of the smokers, not many, granted, but still fun - and not feel like a freak for making conversation with strangers, and letting yourself love them quickly..i also found something new - or actually, old, but buried - in me, while i was working on the world tribal stall in the market place..
i've secretly always wanted to be a market trader person..a bit like i've always quietly wanted to be a real gypsy..its amazing how it brings your life to a new and necessary level of interaction. yeah, granted, you're talking to people in the hope that they'll buy a drum and make someone you love richer..! but behind it all there's also the love of being amused, the sheer joy or being fully yourself with someone you met a minute ago and in a minute's time will be out of your life forever..well, til heaven..
the pesky kids who just wanted to come and play the drums everyday were hilarious. there was one that we called hawk eyes who was about 18, but devilishly attractive, and who i thought, lord, if i was quite a lot younger....and they fascinated me, these kids that just wanted to play the drums..it made them so happy, and having spent years practising together, it was always one of those rare glimpses at how well boys can really love and know eachother when they let themselves.
spending time with emily dunnett was very high up in the fun and love stakes for me too. she inspires me so much to love god and love the bible and eat it up like its all that's ever going to do her any good. which is true, and that's what i want..seeing her with jono was amazing, seeing how god can really knit two people together in ties that they enjoy, believe in, but can't explain and can only marvel at.
i bought some books about god for the first time in years..in fact, i think i generally just loved god more than i have in years..singing to him along with onehundredhours was really lush..shit word to attempt to describe it with, but there you go..there really aren't any..
having said all that, campfire times every night were the sweetest part...the illegal alcohol, the heater, the fags and the wet grass...every now and again hearing a recently-bought djembe being practised on in the distance..learning new words..making up new words..talking about prayer like its real and not just a lord of the rings-esque fantasy..wanting to know it as real..you know, those kind of campfire times..
again, who would have thought...? not me
spare me my cynicism god please