ill at ease....

sometimes i forget how good i can fake it...
the being ok, and sometimes when i really am not ok, the world around me is entirely convinced, sucked in......i feel ill at ease, quite often these days.......
i feel like even though i am posing no threat, spiritually, to anyone right now, the very fact that i work where i do pleases god and irks the other one, and here i am again with mental wranglings and old fears......
i think my vision of jesus hasn't grown for sometime. its been ages, in fact, since one of those faith-injecting moments with god, or one of those awe-inspiring glimpses of how its all working out because of him....or even just one of those fractions of a second, where you feel him, near and steady, true and undefeated.
i want him to show up in my life soon, again.....part of me thinks, na, you've seen so much, surely that's enough to live on...?! surely you've had more than most people ever think they're allowed to ask for in their whole long lives..!?
but me, i want more. i want to know him who refused to stay dead...the man who lived. to know that that same rope that pulled him out of being dead will also pull me out of where i feel i am.
i also want to know him in the unfeeling, unsensory way...in the solid, authorised version of himself. in the absolute, the irrefutable, the certainty of history, triumph and fact.
i fear i am reaching that point in life when faith should be simmering down, becoming either tidy and polite and organised (rotas for tea duty, kids' work and welcomes...) or non-existent; grown-out-of, or squeezed out by -reality-
i can't do my job with faith like that, and i can't rise above myself with faith like that either.
i sure can't please god with faith like that.
and the double whammy is i can't be happy or at peace either.
start me up god, and lead the way...