undo...

if you have never listened to the song -undo- by bjork, here's why you should...
(itunes, people, itunes...)


"Undo"

It's not meant to be a strife
It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

It's not meant to be a strife
It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

You're trying too hard
Surrender
Give yourself in
You're trying too hard
You're trying too hard

It's not meant to be a strife
It's not meant to be a struggle uphill
Sweetly
It's not meant to be as dry
To enjoy
It's not meant to be a stuggle uphill

It's warmer now
Lean into it
Unfold
Unfold in a generous way
Surrender

It's not meant to be as dry (surrender)
It's not meant (undo) to be a struggle uphill (undo)
It's not meant to be as dry
It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

I'm praying
To be
In a generous mode
The kindness kind
The kindness kind
To share
Me
To share me

It's not meant to be as dry
It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

It's not meant to be as dry
It's not meant to be a struggle uphill

Undo
Undo
If you're bleeding
Undo
And if you're sweating
Undo
If you're crying, darling
Undo

Undo
Unravel

unprecedented

the quietness in my head is unprecedented.

i have no thoughts.

i cannot fix on any one train of thought.

i cannot settle on one perspective or one even vague notion about what the hell is going on.

i think maybe if i start writing down what i'm actually feeling, it might become more real.

how bloody terrifying is that, though?

this is the worst bit now, the flowers and cards will stop coming, i will be expected back at work some day, and i will have to become me again.

but i cannot yet figure out how to even start reverting to being me again without him. not because there was the slightest amount of control or overshadowing or hyper-dependence but because, well, i had after many months of running from it, finally decided that he was worth being first in my life.

four weeks ago we had a small falling-out, and later when he'd left bristol and gone back home, he told me on the phone that at that moment he believed i was breaking up with him. i laughed and asked 'wtf?! how can you have thought that?!' and so we talked and talked, and it finished with me assuring him that nothing he could do could make me think that this isn't worth it.

and now that has to encompass even this.

it was so worth it.

it was worth even feeling this shit.

sitting on the floor..

...in my hotel room

i am trying on my dress for The Thing on monday, for about the twentieth time...

its 2.48 in the morning and i would like to simply record this...

i miss walking into a room with him.

i know its the feeling that phil probably still has when he walks into a room full of people, but he walks in with laura. or like fran has when she walks into a room, with matt...

i have never been so proud and glad to walk into a room with anyone as i was every time i walked into a room with him.

its the canniest feeling that is very hard to describe, but you know it when you've had it.

i am listening to the fray, and it soothes me somehow.

i just liked the look of him. he wasn't real good at taking compliments, and the embarrassing but unwavering truth is that he was and is the most handsome man i have ever laid eyes on. he wouldn't hear that from me, so in the end i just boiled it down to 'well, i like the look of you', and he'd take that.

but walking into a room with him, it was lovely, and also comical. someone would only have to look at him before he took it as a cue to introduce me as his girlfriend, never missing a beat, either to ward off potential rivals, or to boost his own ego. i never cared, it was an absolute pleasure every time.

you will recall a post on these pages, from about two-and-a-bit years ago, on being loved....in which i confessed to you, dear reader, that i have never known a time in my life when i did not know i was loved. but you will understand me when i say that this was different. this was walking into a room,full of people who would within seconds know that i was loved, because he could not wait to tell them so.

the fray really are good.