unprecedented

the quietness in my head is unprecedented.

i have no thoughts.

i cannot fix on any one train of thought.

i cannot settle on one perspective or one even vague notion about what the hell is going on.

i think maybe if i start writing down what i'm actually feeling, it might become more real.

how bloody terrifying is that, though?

this is the worst bit now, the flowers and cards will stop coming, i will be expected back at work some day, and i will have to become me again.

but i cannot yet figure out how to even start reverting to being me again without him. not because there was the slightest amount of control or overshadowing or hyper-dependence but because, well, i had after many months of running from it, finally decided that he was worth being first in my life.

four weeks ago we had a small falling-out, and later when he'd left bristol and gone back home, he told me on the phone that at that moment he believed i was breaking up with him. i laughed and asked 'wtf?! how can you have thought that?!' and so we talked and talked, and it finished with me assuring him that nothing he could do could make me think that this isn't worth it.

and now that has to encompass even this.

it was so worth it.

it was worth even feeling this shit.