sorry for swearing
it is not an overstatement these days when i say that i don't rightly know where i belong.
i am aware of the idea, the notion, the dream of making one's home in jesus himself. john 15 to 17 being my favourite parts of the entire bible, i know that he wants me to join with him..to be with him...to live with him.
but my cds are in BS5 and my tired sorry ass is in GL1....
my best friends are in M14, M16, Uganda, Australia, that London, the north west....and my cold-ridden head is in GL1...
my coffee cups, my DUVET, my winter coats and my beautiful books are in a house that does not feel like home...and yet i am in a house that does feel like home, save for the absence of my coffee cups, my duvet, my winter coats...you get the idea....
my best-self is ten weeks ago, and my wet face, my tired eyes and my sorry heart are here, ten weeks later.....
nothing fits...nothing is where it ought to be. certainly nothing is where it was the last time things all fitted.
i can't find anything. i want to wear a certain pair of earrings, i look and realise they are 35 miles away.
i turn to look for those grey eyes, hoping to find them already looking at me...and they are nowhere....
nothing is where it ought to be...
miércoles, septiembre 17, 2008
martes, septiembre 16, 2008
pissed off
i am pissed off
i have the bitching mother of all colds, i am sad, i have exams in three weeks today, i am broke, i am tired and i had a fucking panic attack on the bloody train
excuse my language, but frankly, i am fed bloody up
i have the bitching mother of all colds, i am sad, i have exams in three weeks today, i am broke, i am tired and i had a fucking panic attack on the bloody train
excuse my language, but frankly, i am fed bloody up
lunes, septiembre 15, 2008
channelling, take two...
hola otra vez...
i have de-camped to the lounge, as sharing a bed with a healthy sister when you yourself are feeling this unhealthy is not nice for either person - me i can't sleep anyway and she's asleep safe in the knowledge she will almsot certainly wake up ill...!
so kids, tomorrow would have been the one-year anniversary of him being my boyfriend and me being his girlfriend....i've never had one of those particular anniversaries before and i'd been rather looking forward to it. strictly speaking, tomorrow is merely the anniversary of our date in london, with the escalator episode (please utlise the archive function on my ever-so helpful blog, to re-fresh any ailing memories.....) and the anniversary of our becoming officially in a relationship is a week later, but since that was also his birthday he refused to share it with that, so we decided on tomorrow, the 15th....
i'll tell you what i miss...
i miss waking up in the morning, seven am or thereabouts, and while waking up, remembering that somewhere about two-hundred miles away there was a man who loved me the most. the days when he was there when i woke up were a treat, they were not the ordinary days....the ordinary days of our ten months began like this - me remembering that it wasn't a dream, that it really was happening, that i really was falling in love, and that i really was happy.
i kinda miss that.
anyway that's beside the point
the point is that a year ago i was fretting horrendously about what to wear, what to talk about, would he even turn up, etc etc. and then car-ride down to that london with the gils on the saturday morning was brilliant. she was very helpful, calmed me down and whatnot.
what i realised about myself that day, is that i am an idle flirt. by this i mean that when it came to it, and there was a real interest, a real person and a real story, i was not the flirt that i am or can be in passing, fleeting situations, mais non! i was terrified! thankfully he was much better at things than me and once we'd established that the childish liking of the other was mutual he pretty much figured out the rest. first and last time i ever saw him use any initiative...!!
the thing is the last few weeks have been strange in that i haven't cried much, i've fretted more than i've grieved, i've concentrated on other things (sometimes hugely unsuccessfully!) and then suddenly last week, it struck me just how much i miss him. actually him. not just the having of a boyfriend. not just the plans for the future, or the bemoaning of events he should have been at with me (all those weddings...!) but really just him....him in all his grumpy sweaty harried lazy rakish boyish old-mannish-ness.....all of it.
a couple of people have asked me how i will mark tomorrow. (well, today, monday...)
i think i will mark it now, by writing this and saying 'i love you my boy, wherever you are' and 'thanks guys, for everything you did to prompt, challenge, support and shape what we had together....'
i know there were a lot of you who were thrilled at the idea of getting to watch me try and handle two kids as well! there was going to be some pure comedy ahead with those two i tell you.....
by the way, the tesco in gloucester have reduced the alcohol-buying age from 30 to 21...!
i have de-camped to the lounge, as sharing a bed with a healthy sister when you yourself are feeling this unhealthy is not nice for either person - me i can't sleep anyway and she's asleep safe in the knowledge she will almsot certainly wake up ill...!
so kids, tomorrow would have been the one-year anniversary of him being my boyfriend and me being his girlfriend....i've never had one of those particular anniversaries before and i'd been rather looking forward to it. strictly speaking, tomorrow is merely the anniversary of our date in london, with the escalator episode (please utlise the archive function on my ever-so helpful blog, to re-fresh any ailing memories.....) and the anniversary of our becoming officially in a relationship is a week later, but since that was also his birthday he refused to share it with that, so we decided on tomorrow, the 15th....
i'll tell you what i miss...
i miss waking up in the morning, seven am or thereabouts, and while waking up, remembering that somewhere about two-hundred miles away there was a man who loved me the most. the days when he was there when i woke up were a treat, they were not the ordinary days....the ordinary days of our ten months began like this - me remembering that it wasn't a dream, that it really was happening, that i really was falling in love, and that i really was happy.
i kinda miss that.
anyway that's beside the point
the point is that a year ago i was fretting horrendously about what to wear, what to talk about, would he even turn up, etc etc. and then car-ride down to that london with the gils on the saturday morning was brilliant. she was very helpful, calmed me down and whatnot.
what i realised about myself that day, is that i am an idle flirt. by this i mean that when it came to it, and there was a real interest, a real person and a real story, i was not the flirt that i am or can be in passing, fleeting situations, mais non! i was terrified! thankfully he was much better at things than me and once we'd established that the childish liking of the other was mutual he pretty much figured out the rest. first and last time i ever saw him use any initiative...!!
the thing is the last few weeks have been strange in that i haven't cried much, i've fretted more than i've grieved, i've concentrated on other things (sometimes hugely unsuccessfully!) and then suddenly last week, it struck me just how much i miss him. actually him. not just the having of a boyfriend. not just the plans for the future, or the bemoaning of events he should have been at with me (all those weddings...!) but really just him....him in all his grumpy sweaty harried lazy rakish boyish old-mannish-ness.....all of it.
a couple of people have asked me how i will mark tomorrow. (well, today, monday...)
i think i will mark it now, by writing this and saying 'i love you my boy, wherever you are' and 'thanks guys, for everything you did to prompt, challenge, support and shape what we had together....'
i know there were a lot of you who were thrilled at the idea of getting to watch me try and handle two kids as well! there was going to be some pure comedy ahead with those two i tell you.....
by the way, the tesco in gloucester have reduced the alcohol-buying age from 30 to 21...!
ok
that was the WORST blog post i have ever written
i am going to go and at least hold a lit cigarette, then i will write some more.
and it will be good.
i am going to go and at least hold a lit cigarette, then i will write some more.
and it will be good.
channelling...
so i have realised that it must be back to the blog for me once more, as i have too many things in my head and must cyphon some off here...
i am awake at two something......for the last week or more this has not been a problem, so it sucks that tonight i am back to being awake. however! it is compounded by the fact that i have a head-cold, which only started today but boy, its a fierce one! now those of you who regularly partake of the evil weed will know that a head-cold not only means you feel rubbish, but you also have to give up smoking!
so what i would normally do on a night like this is come downstairs (check) get some hot squash (check) and smoke a nicely rolled cigarette....wwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
i am awake at two something......for the last week or more this has not been a problem, so it sucks that tonight i am back to being awake. however! it is compounded by the fact that i have a head-cold, which only started today but boy, its a fierce one! now those of you who regularly partake of the evil weed will know that a head-cold not only means you feel rubbish, but you also have to give up smoking!
so what i would normally do on a night like this is come downstairs (check) get some hot squash (check) and smoke a nicely rolled cigarette....wwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
martes, septiembre 09, 2008
these days...
...are very odd
i am having an evening of much-crying...following on from a sudden spurt of crying last night before sleep...i was fine again during work today but this evening i have had to retreat to my folks' house after doing pretty well at staying in my bristol place for the last few days...
i just really miss him, to be honest with you..being near him made me happy in a way that being near to anyone else had never done before.....and i had never so enjoyed looking at another person before....and i think i am letting myself cry this evening because i think perhaps i have been holding it in. or maybe i've just been ok and today is just one of those days....
i am having an evening of much-crying...following on from a sudden spurt of crying last night before sleep...i was fine again during work today but this evening i have had to retreat to my folks' house after doing pretty well at staying in my bristol place for the last few days...
i just really miss him, to be honest with you..being near him made me happy in a way that being near to anyone else had never done before.....and i had never so enjoyed looking at another person before....and i think i am letting myself cry this evening because i think perhaps i have been holding it in. or maybe i've just been ok and today is just one of those days....
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