the threefold heart command..

so for the last three years or so, i have had a piece of green card stuck to my bedroom wall...the dream wall, if you will (if you are a maine road ex-resident..).....written on it in my artistic (ha, read illegible!) scrawl is a note-to-self, in black pencil, that reads as follows...

rend your heart
risk your heart
guard your heart

except on the card it has a big heart drawn on the right-hand side, which therefore it neatly substitutes the word 'heart' in each line, and until SOMEONE freaking invents a -heart- symbol on computer keyboards (as per the simon amstell-related petition on here many moons ago!) you will have to have the out-moded written version on here, and just picture the real-life version in your head...

i think that i could scarcely have imagined when i wrote that note-to-self and pinned it up above the fireplace, just how painful, how exhilarating or how constantly-challenging each of these three instructions from the bible would turn out, respectively, to be.

the rending speaks for itself. i have lost my bear of a man, his magnificent nose and his ever-loving heart, only weeks after we had agreed that we would one day soon get married. you have, i feel sure, read enough to make you weep over your cup of coffee (or all of a friday evening if you're sal) on here in recent weeks, and for that companionship on this particular journey i thank thee.

the risking was learnt in the build-up, in The Single Years - the now infamous valentines endeavour, the depth of attraction and attachment i allowed myself to feel to boy after boy who could not or would not return my attentions.....but the risk continued unabated, and jesus walked me through each and every one of these crashes and i learnt, ever surer, that i had been given a capacity for love and for loyalty and for passion that would one day represent one half of a grown-up relationship. i found faith in myself through these ups and downs, and faith in the notion that love, once chosen by both, would ultimately be one of the greatest additions to my already rather happy life......as you will recall, it was then the risk of sending that first text to the boy after nick's wedding, that resulted in me having him all to myself (notwithstanding his bright, hilarious and loving children!) on short term loan.....

the guarded heart still somewhat eludes me but i think that in all my miss-haversham-related musings over these last four months, i have begun to see that a guard that is generated by wisdom and not by fear, bitterness or reticence (sp?) is really a very precious thing.

i appear to have run out of words, for now. i realise this post is lacking in a conclusion. it might come to me, but i'm hoping sleep gets here first...night loves...x