so..

..am thinking that it is about time i began to think about working towards possibly getting re-acquainted with the lord...am missing knowing him and being found in him, learning of and from him.....and missing seeing truth before me and having certainties that i can be certain of. 

lots of things are about to change in the next wee while, such as me hopefully moving back to bristol in february.....leaving my family coccoon...this house where i have been so tended to and held in these last six horrible months....

i cannot tell you how this terrifies me. and also how much i want to live in bristol. in an apartment. with my kitchen things and my friend, and in a city i so want to be friends with. 

but old fears quiet slowly and new fears ever slower.....

and yet i feel some new shoots...snowdrops are one of my top five flowers....they are not yet to be seen but in a few weeks, i will go for some journeys through the fields and woods of this shire and see them in their early-spring meaningfulness.....

i miss god. i miss knowing that he can be and wishes to be my all, my waking and working, my laughing and loving, he wants to be in all of it. and i am tired of being in all of it without him

i have not the first clue where to begin to look for him. i know he cannot be far because he has been quietly ever so good to me in the valley....has shown lights of hope and glades of green calmness. ...he sat with me in the small hours, when i have not exactly turned to him but have simply known he must surely be there. 

i also know he is real now more than i ever have. i know he is good because he always has been. 

if anyone knows the way, give a girl a hand...