so yeah..

i talked to one of my very best friends this evening. i told her about my week....and she asks me, only at the point when she's sure i'm thinking it myself anyway - "so where is your god now?"
ouch
see what's happened, now, jesus? see the fear and doubt creeping in? see the path that is now open wide, inviting these enemies in? see where your negligence has got you? or was it? was it your negligence, or your will? the catholics among my family (which is pretty much 85% of them), while shaken, are able to see nothing only your will at work. i, on the other hand know that other forces operate in the world besides you, with less benevolence and good ideas on their minds.......and yet, while they have power, surely, surely, you're meant to be greater.
this is the most honest i can be with you god, and it's taken me most of a bottle of chilean chardonnay and plenty cigarettes to get me to this point.......ok, so, listen up, cos here's the thing..
i do not understand you. i thought that in jesus you had made your good, perfect, kind and gracious will plainly known to all of us. don't get me wrong, i have no reservations about why you want martin o'brien there, with you, wherever the fuck you are. but seriously - now? really? couldn't you just have waited another little while? couldn't you just have stayed awake and kept watch over him?
so, here's the deal. i shall keep on believing that you exist. because the sky, and particularly its sunsets of late, has been too incredible for any cosmic explosion to accidentally design. and the kindness of people around us has been too deep and thoughtful to ever be the product of chemicals and hormones, too sincere to be acted out of duty, and too well-timed to be anything but heavenly-sent. see, its not that i fail to notice you where you are at work. not at all. its that i fail to see how you can jusitfy not working where you are most needed.
thing is i love you. i know i'm pretty much buggared without you. but i refuse to remain stuck to you for anything less than the deepest love - for without that we'd be left with mere religion, and i left that behind me long ago. so come, my lord, show me where you are, where you are working, where your love is awaiting us. show me your hands, you know, the ones that heal, the ones that tell us we are whole.

lately

i found a song about love
i guess its not the kind of jesus-lovin'-love we spend most of our time talking about. but its real. i know i haven't had it before. it entrigues me i think. makes me jealous. excited. scared.
makes me wonder what i'm doing rhe god stuff for. only momentarily. then i realise the guy in the song knows his faults and she knows her faults and they're pretty much relying on eachother to figure it all out. i think that's where i know i might be better off with the one i got.
in the momentary moment, i'm not even scared that i might have the god stuff wrong. or that it might all be a big fat lie. i think what gets to me is that it doesn't make me happy and scared and thrilled and nervous and giddy and needing like the guy in the song is while he's singing about the girl.
so is he missing something? he doesn't think so....
i think what i so often wonder, is, well..did i get a faulty version? of this spirit-filled-life..? the constancy is the missing component. is that a human fault? sin in me? because shit, i mean apparently god is unchanging. unwavering....no shadows of turning.......? ah-ha...!
thanks, brain, that was the one i was looking for..ok, i'm off....over and out....
ooh, here's the song...

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you want to feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'
Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide
Yeah we're gonna let is slide

Don't you love the life you killed
The priest is on the phone
Your father hit the wall
Your ma disowned you
Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't charge
I'll live around it

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide
Mmmmm slide

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you manna get married
Or run away

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married
Or run away

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
Yeah slide

And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall
And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that, fall

Oh Oh Oh slide
(Just slide between the sheets of all the beds you never knew)
Yeah slide
Why don't you slide into my room
Just slide into my room
Oh, we'll run away, run away, run away

what a shocker..

so i had the shock of my life today...i'm walking out of the bookstore, and what do i see on the new titles rack....a new treat from mr d coupland.....was so unprepared i couild barely get the words out to the guy at the desk to ask when the paperback version would be out.......six months, says he....horrified, i was....so i bought the damn thing. they sucked me in, the bastards - i've never bought a hardback book in my life.....shocking.....

so anyways, i'm off to cornwall now for a few days - via rachel's house in bristol and via the pub with emily and simon and alistair...hurrah...

so yeah, the business is getting pretty exciting...so much to think about..bought a bunch of books today that will help whenever we have a question and can't get through on the phone to either of our dads!! hehehe

ffrw..

so, ok, lets back up to the weekend that just passed.....The last days before September and all its new-ness came. I had been waiting for god to really show me, beyond all reasoning and analysis that which I needed to be sure to leave behind me before the new day began.
On Saturday evening at the festival prayer tent, I had figured out, while watching the fireworks, that that would probably be the last time I smoked a cigarette while watching fireworks. Earlier I had come to understand that I had reached the end of the road that i had carved out for me and god – one problem here being the question of how to extend the road, and one being that I finally knew that I had myself made the road. That it was not formed from divine materials or planned and structured by a heavenly route map. I had pretty much just made it myself.
So, later on Saturday evening in the unplugged gaff at Heaton Park, I finally had the conversation with god that I’d been waiting for for three years. The one where I ask him if I have a particular, single evil spirit attached to me, or at work in my life- and he replies yes, yes you do. I’d pretty much known that for a really long time, but either never waited long enough for the answer, or was not ready to deal with the consequences. I talked briefly to hdc about it and while she was reluctant to talk about it there and then, and didn’t want me jumping to any conclusions based on what she said just then, but I kinda just knew. And she said its quite possible that god did wait, until I was ready to handle it, before he told me. Suddenly it all simply fell into place and in my spirit, going to bed soon after, and waking the next day, I felt no fear, only the anticipation of freedom. My waking on Sunday was a pretty sweet feeling, actually, like I truly knew the reality of having been granted a reprieve – one more day - to right the wrong, forget the past, hatch a dream and well, give up smoking. Sitting here right now, I cannot convey in words, only by telling you how close I am to tears, how much I want a cigarette. But we’re not about today yet.. wait…
So, Sunday, I pottered about, wondering whether or not to smoke….it wasn’t that hard a decision, if I’m honest. Bought some amber leaf - ouch, no cutters’ left in the shop for my last day!! – and went to west didders with Caleb. We sat and read our books – both very excited, and both finished them, satisfied, challenged, different……I look books…..
Oh, so, ok, this is what happened – wrote this part later on that day….
I’m not sure I’ve ever read a book that I so needed to read…as Nouwen moves from talking about the prodigal son, ot the person of the elder son, and finally to talking about the father, I suddenly found myself wanting something that I’ve always wanted, but never known why or to what end and from what source the wanting came. I’m not really talking about some deep spiritual longing to be at home with the Father, but more the restlessness caused in me by the selfish nature of my love and life.
To say that I have become self-absorbed is beyond true and yet surprisingly un-cringe-worthy. Could it be that I don’t even care? Possibly. Could it be that I don’t think it’s my fault but more the fault of the devil and so therefore its not my responsibility to repent for it…? Probably.
“Isn’t there a subtle pressure in both the church and society to remain a dependant child? Hasn’t the church in the past stressed obedience in a fashion that made it hard to claim spiritual fatherhood, and hasn’t our consumer society encouraged us to indulge in childish self-gratification? Who has truly challenged us to liberate ourselves from immature dependencies and to accept the burden of responsible adults? ….. what I am called to make true is that whether I am the younger or the elder son, I am the son of my compassionate Father….Indeed, as son and heir I am to become successor. I am destined to step into my Father’s place and offer to others the same compassion he has offered me. The return to the Father is ultimately the challenge to become the Father. Being back in the Father’s house requires that I make the Father’s life my own and become transformed in his image.”
So I approached the evening of the eve of September with this in mind. It was, is, the most far-reaching and yet deeply personal challenge I have ever been handed. I think I had come to realise that the fulfilment of this challenge is what awaits me on the next section of my road.
I went to pray with everyone at Millie’s house. For the first four hours it was nothing that I needed. I did not raise the subject of what I did need, either, just sat there idly waiting for someone to know.
Finally, I went out for a fag with oria (turned out with was going to be our last) and while we were outside we both allowed ourselves to really feel the urgency that had taken up residence in both our stomachs. We realised that the symptoms of our very different problems were surprisingly similar, so arm-n-arm we went in and told our best friends that we had nothing left. It was so much harder than I thought it would be. But that was nothing compared ti what followed….we lied on the floor, faces in the carpet, and pretty much just cried. I think I must have been a toddler the last time I wailed like that – particularly when Caleb shouted in my ear. I wanted to hit him. God kinda showed me that the sort of noise I’d just heard was not entirely dissimilar to the noise he hears from my heart – that I don’t know my heart is making, let alone know if it is heard. I felt tim rubing my back which reminded me throughout of the replete nature of grace – that something I had once thought would remain broken for good had indeed been remade. I needed it. my head was taken to some severe places with god. Tim prayed that me and Or would be able to walk like Gandalf, in the authority to refuse the enemy passage, to tell him to his face that he shall not pass, and to break up the path behind us in the hope of moving only ever forwards. That was pretty amazing since I’ve always wanted to walk leaving no trace, to know my past was where it belonged, and all that….
And then a while later I was talking to god about the whole inward-looking thing, the self-absorbed thing….well I kinda explained to him that the biggest reason why that’s happened is because he has thus fat given me no or very little direction, as in, I don’t know who I supposed to work with, spend my time with, show the same compassion to that I have been shown. And so he told me, quite plainly and simply, that I am not to wait any longer til I train ot be a counsellor, but I am to do it soon.
Hurrah
Oh the rest was long and tiring, involved a lot of being brave and crying, and allowing god to lead the way.
I awoke yesterday feeling like I should be drinking juices and being wheeled round ain a wheelchair and wearing sunglasses and a blanket over my knees. I felt like a post-operative invalid. And yet very very peaceful, and excited and free. But today still I am so physically tired - like i’m in rehab. I guess I am.