so yeah..

i talked to one of my very best friends this evening. i told her about my week....and she asks me, only at the point when she's sure i'm thinking it myself anyway - "so where is your god now?"
ouch
see what's happened, now, jesus? see the fear and doubt creeping in? see the path that is now open wide, inviting these enemies in? see where your negligence has got you? or was it? was it your negligence, or your will? the catholics among my family (which is pretty much 85% of them), while shaken, are able to see nothing only your will at work. i, on the other hand know that other forces operate in the world besides you, with less benevolence and good ideas on their minds.......and yet, while they have power, surely, surely, you're meant to be greater.
this is the most honest i can be with you god, and it's taken me most of a bottle of chilean chardonnay and plenty cigarettes to get me to this point.......ok, so, listen up, cos here's the thing..
i do not understand you. i thought that in jesus you had made your good, perfect, kind and gracious will plainly known to all of us. don't get me wrong, i have no reservations about why you want martin o'brien there, with you, wherever the fuck you are. but seriously - now? really? couldn't you just have waited another little while? couldn't you just have stayed awake and kept watch over him?
so, here's the deal. i shall keep on believing that you exist. because the sky, and particularly its sunsets of late, has been too incredible for any cosmic explosion to accidentally design. and the kindness of people around us has been too deep and thoughtful to ever be the product of chemicals and hormones, too sincere to be acted out of duty, and too well-timed to be anything but heavenly-sent. see, its not that i fail to notice you where you are at work. not at all. its that i fail to see how you can jusitfy not working where you are most needed.
thing is i love you. i know i'm pretty much buggared without you. but i refuse to remain stuck to you for anything less than the deepest love - for without that we'd be left with mere religion, and i left that behind me long ago. so come, my lord, show me where you are, where you are working, where your love is awaiting us. show me your hands, you know, the ones that heal, the ones that tell us we are whole.