life springs eternal

heavens, i found some sense. well, it was given me.
things have felt entirely wrong, and the conclusion that god must have made a mistake has been the prevailing impression of the last couple of months.
however, i have been assured that god does not screw up, that in fact, he uses whatever situation to his advantage. i suppose it just sometimes seems that his advantage does not always lead to mine. on that score, too, i am relieved to admit that i may be wrong.
"there are things god needs to tell you, about who you are in him, who he would have you be, what he wants you to do, that are far too important for them to be interfered with by other people. he wil not let your destiny suffer because you were adamant you should be surrounded by friends and 'feel supported'. he had to get you on your own, to be able to show you that only he can improve and shape you, only he can command your future, only he wants enough for you to leave you for a while with nothing, that the plans and dreams he has for you, and the life he wants for you, must be given and revealed to you only by him, and not by the whispers of others or influenced by the dynamics of a community."
(paraphrased from a phone call with a friend five minutes ago)
it still sounds cannily like rhetoric to my addled brain. my heart heard it differently..i know that the silence i uttered after it, and the strangely light weight it has left in me are responses to truth, that i cannot deny. or i could choose to, but i'm fairly sure now, that that is where i've been going wrong.
i've been choosing lies over truth, doubt over belief and general decay over the epic restoration that has been offered me.
oh na when will you learn.......?
and oddly enough, again, all to the sounds of a coldplay song...there's something going on here...