i miss this..

internet i mean. i hate having to scramble round for any given opportunity to get a hold of some. and when i do its almost invariably when i feel i have nothing to blog. but i'm learning from sal that virtually everything is bloggable, so here goes..
i am living at heald place. this is wierd,but good. wierd because my friends used to live there, in a time wheni lived down the road...a time that i thought was more or less done for good. turns out it was less done. but good because the room used to belong to emma cowan and its lovely. and now partly green. and the people living there are really nice and it just feels like a nice place to be with them or on my own and both are good. last night i accidentally slept for about 10 hours. haven't done that in a very long time.
work is still good. the people in my office are hilarious, and the accents mean i spend most of the time feeling like i'm watching dinnerladies or something equally northern.
tonight is my first friday night back here and instead of going out and being young i have come to blair road to see ben and watto and eat food.
garden state is on now in the background. i'm a bit concerned i may have over-watched it, it seems a bit lost on me.
oh no wait..there it is....don't tease me about my hobbies, i don't tease you about being an asshole...yeah, still funny...

been talking about work a lot tonight. why to work, what to work as or for..i'm finding it really hard to figure this stuff out just now. i need to get some space tomorrow i think and buy a notebook. here is good but sometimes a girl just needs a pen and a new jotter. here, you see, there are people that know what they do, they love it they're good at it. their work is a part of who they are as oppose to an aside that passes the time and pays the rent. and while its kind of hard to be around those people, just because jealousy and feeling small can creep in, its also exactly what i need. its pushing me to think about it all again. and so i am grateful for it and to them. i love watching my friends give so much of their time and energy and love to their jobs. i think i just don't get it for my own part. yet.
the winter is coming. the rain has arrived. its the kind of all-day-long rain too, that makes you feel like it'll be wet all the time from now on, til may or something.
i think tomorrow i'm going to go to the northern quarter and find me some coffee. notepad in hand. or maybe a book to read. or both.
yes i think i better had.
btw ben is about to make a blog. be nice to him.

oh..

i'm in mallowdale mansions..
i've just finished another good day at work
i've just had my post-work cup of coffee
and tim is playing the guitar.
we've sung some great ben harper covers this afternoon. all surpassed by sucker by john mayer though
he's on walkaway now and i'm leaving him to it. high notes and all. its the only one he remembers all the words to. and the only one i still can't sing without having a small tear in my eye.
days like these heh..
working, laughing, loving. be loved. last night was a very very fun evening. we had supper at 17 blair with lovely people and drago's cooking and wine.
i think manchester is going to be good for me. i'm glad we're back together.
still a lot of things i don't know, about why i'm back here, what job i want etc etc..but sometimes tim and coffee and a guitar is a good enough rationale for me.

manchester

i am here.
returned to the north. with hardly any of my possessions, no house to call my own and a job that i am growing to hate less everyday.
i am missing home slightly, the simple times of life with only a few friends, most of whom never ask questions that really involve thinking too much and certainly no verbal processing.
i am enjoying being with the friends i have here again, but it sure is a readjustment. they are lovely to me and they love god and teach me alot and i do laugh with them often
i am struggling to see how this is different to before though, or how i have aimed higher. i haven't, to be honest, and i am now here and trying still to find out how to do that. the job is tedious, the people there are really fun and kind but i don't want to spend the next years of my life being the one to send blood out to hospitals all over manchester
i miss fiona and nick and mum and dad
and fiona is sick which makes it all worse
i had a lovely time at claire and george;s wedding, i never saw someone look so at home in her wedding dress. the whole day was just pure fun, i laughed so much. we went up to the brdige when we finally got back to hope in the evening, and drank our wine and laughed really really hard and all talked at once and had to think of hawaiian words and cigars smell BAD and we just all enjoyed being together and being young too i think.
one of my favourite tiimes of the weekend was sitting with cate with our wine and cigarettes outside hope before the bridge. we played a superb round of hawaii-based top fives (or hawaii 5-ohs if you will) and i really think it was one of my most memorable rounds of the game ever. can;t believe she'll be gone in a week.
also loved having them all to stay at my house on friday night
i should go i'm rambling my way through the story of my last week without a care for structure of any kind
i'm glad i heard from the mallowdale gang that pride and prej is shit i shan't bother i suspected it would be awful. for scathing criticism see miss sal.
i'm off to bed. work at 8. lord above
manchester is good though, am enjoying it. so much more coffee here
loveanna x x x x

1997, without the madness

quote of the evening:

Rhett Butler: you need kissing, badly. That's what's wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.

and i was. and by someone who knows how.

my sister informed me when we got home, that i will never be as good a christian as the types that i consort with, but that she's glad about that, because my life still is real and still makes sense. not sure how much that is true, or how much i would want it to be true. she is adamant that i can't rule out a future with The Boy. i beg to differ little lady. he likes me in so many of the right ways. he's good for me in alot of the right ways. if only he loved jesus....but then, who can honestly say that jesus himself isn't sitting there thinking..if only she (na) loved me...i can't judge how much someone loves him or wants to follow his ways. but i do hope that he will make my own way clear.

dear reader, please forgive the forray into the rude and vaguely lustful tones of the last two posts. it seems somewhat out of blog-character. i feel its important though. and aside from the recent random and unwelcome automated comments, this remains after all, my last bastion of honesty and processing.

i'm not sorry for it, i'm glad its happened, and i truly feel like that is it now, for me and The Boy. goodbyes said, wished granted, imaginings put to rest.

the queen bee is off to hibernate in manchester..

shire fridays..

are for me unlike any other friday.
i was granted an honorary slacker-seat at the post-work, friday evening drinks table.
the boy was also back from his holidays, tanned and taller than ever.
i haven't really blogged about him before. but then for months there hasn't been anything to say. last night he kind of said it all though, and was honest and i liked hearing it. i'm not swept off my feet but, well, i guess you could say it was one of those times when it makes being a girl worth it.
he is on the blog rounds now because he seems to be a nice conclusion in a bit of a quest that god seems to have forced me to go on lately.
its a tricky conclusion though, and one that will finish the intrigue that has been na+luke for the last couple of years.
there's just something about being valued for your brain as well as your boobs. and something about not being viewed as some kind of part-time emotional retard. and something about being admired. its not about crushes anymore. this about years of wondering if this could work.
the truth is i know its still not going to.
so what is it with me and boys at the moment...?
its like i'm having some kind of mid-life crisis. hdc says its all about narrowing the odds. (see prev. post of same title). allegedly what is happening is a refining of the idea of him. that its ok to like someone apart from one or two things, and then to realise that, for you, they are indeferable things, that you don't want to go without. with this one, its jesus.
you could say (if you were emma) that the boy is not a follower of the way.
my new word, indeferable, pretty much applies here.
as much as i can at times kid myself into thinking that i could make that work with someone, it just means that god would have little or nothing to do with it. and i love jesus for how he loves to be in our love.
if you know what i mean.
so in effect i am answering all my own questions here. well done me.
there have been others, who meet the jesus criteria, but who don't make as much sense to me as this boy does.
see...?
swings and roundabouts
pain in my ass

+/-

is how things feel just now
some good (+), some bad (-)
sorry, you're pretty smart, you could have figured that out without the key
patronisation is not a word. it ought to be
so i went to wales and manchester.
i lost a tent, a phone and some socks.
i gained a better tan, and some comfort that moving back to manchester is not as bizarre an idea as i had been shaping it into.
ok do you know what, i thought blogging would be good just now. turns out i can't think or write.
i do like the +/- thing though so i'm going to post anyway

"oops"