neon..

so i'm having some strange but good moments of realising Things That Are True during my walks to work in the mornings.
a couple of days ago, i realised that nothing that i'm doing these days has, or just doesn't feel like it has, any spirit in it. spirit with a small s or with a big one either (Spirit). its a hard thing to explain but i guess i feel like the opposite of the girl in the song neon by john mayer. which is also the opoosite of this:
- it was as if she had set lighted candles in all the windows of her house of life-
this is my favourite book quote of all time.
it is kind of my not motto but a thing in my head like a standard for living life to the full, in a visible and obvious way, in a way that the fullness of life is coming from inside and not from the light of the people that are around you, or the things that entertain or inspire you, but from god within and his fullness etc etc
the bottom line is that i'm not in a place of devotion with jesus. this is the word watto dropped into a sentence the other day that made me catch my breath and slightly skipped a beat on the inside because it is a concept and a discipline that i gave been aspiring to and thinking about for years and it both intrigues and excites me.
and i have lost the desire for it.
i want it back,
my room is my retreat house. i abdndon it every morning and often spend no time in it until bed, and this is the opposite of what i want and need to be doing,.
same old same old, doing what i don't want to do not doing the things i do want to do. but the options i choose are always fun and somehow easier.
yesterday the Thing I Realised Was True was..
that since barcelona i've stopped asking god for things. i can pray for other people, and on my better days i can spend time praising jesus and telling him how fond i am of him. but i have given up offering petitions for my own part. the root of disappointment is sod a dog still deeper in me than i had any idea. it has slammed the brakes on my increasing faith, and scuppered my desire to dream.
ok rambling now but this is helping so if you don't mind awfully i'll continue..
the things i want have taken second place to just kind of getting by and not getting my heart broken. its kind of like being on prozac. can't feel the bad but can't really feel the good either. i'm in a balanced state where no great weeping ever overcomes me anymore, and no rending of my heart ever happens in order to pray better or love more. and i can't get that excited about anything, or giddy or hopeful.
no buzzing, no neon, no lighted candles.
i thought at one point today like my life is rather ordinary.
and i was kind of ok with it.
scary stuff.