is it just me or has this year been somewhat colourless...?
i'm not about to moan, but merely to remark that it has been personally rather uneventful and often hard or horrid for some people i know...
i have also laughed alot this year, i have made a new friend in the brilliant katie hall, i have been to lovely weddings and been at least 2nd drunkest at some drunken parties......i gave up smoking, for a long time.....then a slight hint of boy trauma and the filter-tip queen was back on the scene....
i think its basically been one of slight ups and slight downs....which i guess you could say isn't bad, exactly, but not terribly anything..........i have learnt an awful lot from being and remaining in this slightly bland state, however....mainly that god asks to be known and not felt. there is more of this one fact to learn, obviously....but its a start....
i have this year re-discovered the sheer comfty warmth of being entranced by a novel. those few days, or sometime hours, at times weeks, when the thick plot of a story, or the growing familiarity of its characters, or the delight in getting home to find no-one there, just an empty house and a kettle creating the perfect reading room. aaaah, the history of love. i cannot tell of the wonders of that book.
along with nicole krauss i am discovering the merits of the written work of our dear lord himself.....the bible is become a place where i am much more readily at home and enjoying myself. that wasn't at all true in the bad old days of 2005....!
i had one of the most surprising holidays of my life...the trip to belfast and moneymore and lough erne with drago claire and emma. never have three days been so fully streched out..and all for our comfort and joy - and the sun shone! ha sitting on a boat with death of a naturalist! ha!
i would not have dreamt, not seriously anyway, of living on my own in any time prior to now...but that this time last year the same was true of heald place....hey this time next year i could be living in london, that last bastion of places i swore i'd never live....!
i have not written as much as i would have liked this year, especially on here, and for that i am sorry.....
i have colour in my cheeks these days though....i have sidestepped the pastel path of 2006 and am now looking for garish clashes and bold flowers and daring stripes and more shades of green that even i had thought possible...
2007, i await you...colour me an interesting time of it...
domingo, diciembre 31, 2006
viernes, diciembre 22, 2006
holy shire..
its here...the long-awaited friday of homegoing is here....the last day of term, the last friday before christmas, the last waking up early in 2006....the first day of my holidays....!
and here, for your festive enjoyment, is a photo my mother sent me on her flash new phone of what awaits me there...!
and here, for your festive enjoyment, is a photo my mother sent me on her flash new phone of what awaits me there...!
jueves, diciembre 21, 2006
evensong..
so last night i left work and had a lovely walk in the dry, nose-reddening cold to the cathedral. they have evensong there at 5, or 5.30 all weekdays....and i had never been before. there were more people in the choir than in the non-choir, and they all knew what to do and when to stand up and when to turn to face the cross and all that stuff. i knew nothing. i realised what a strange and wonderful thing church is when mid-rigmarole, how it makes no sense unless you know.....this, having been precisely why i left catholicism behind me, is why i can't ordinarily now squeeze myself into the routine of organised services...but you know, i think i must be maturing, because the bizzarity of the whole thing struck me as discipline, as order, as quite lifting...it felt like homage...and it was in the cavermous quiet of manchester cathedral, which is like a younger, warmer version of gloucester cathedral...that the half-dozen of us gathered yesterday evening, for the onyl time ever/ would never be in the same room together again, and never have evensong together again four nights before christmas in the year of our lord two thousand and six...
lovely...
lovely...
miércoles, diciembre 20, 2006
fullheartedly..
i have that slightly tingly sensation today. the anticipation of going home, but not just any old going home, nay, going home for christmas....i was talking to someone last night about the love of the train ride home. i'm not actually getting the train this friday, but catching a lift with mark and chrissie....but the southward journey, seeing the stone of buldings become more normal to me, the lie of the land more pleasing to my eye, and names of places less peculiar, the hills and woods more familiar.
and this is where i make my confession....everytime i go home, but even more in the winterly anticipation of christmas....the lines from -anne of the island- come into my head quickly and clearly....it is my favourite one of the six books, as you may know, and still marks so much of the writing that has made me think -if only i could have written this...- but the truth that some of you may also already know, is that the book is emotionally so open that it is cliched to us now.....the lines are on this page...read them if you wish, and forgive me, if you can my hopeless melodrama...but i love her, and on this one, i trust her to say it better than me....
and this is where i make my confession....everytime i go home, but even more in the winterly anticipation of christmas....the lines from -anne of the island- come into my head quickly and clearly....it is my favourite one of the six books, as you may know, and still marks so much of the writing that has made me think -if only i could have written this...- but the truth that some of you may also already know, is that the book is emotionally so open that it is cliched to us now.....the lines are on this page...read them if you wish, and forgive me, if you can my hopeless melodrama...but i love her, and on this one, i trust her to say it better than me....
lunes, diciembre 18, 2006
the winter wonderland..
ah, such wonder...
i had ever such a lovely time in wales this weekend!
to all present, i thank thee..to those who for a minute every now and again i wished were there, consider yourself missed....
the drive down, surprisingly, was probably my favourite time...and no wait, the drive back too..! me cate and hattie found ourselves the first to arrive and last to leave - therefore the homemakers and the clear-up committee...both of which were lovely in their own ways...
and i enjoyed very much the company of the wezzles family, seeing caleb so tired he could hardly move but then being so alive whenever we were praying, having mr vino in our collective midst and wondering how we got by without him all those years....seeing the hughes family, much missed round these parts...
i really felt this air of ease, like we really have made it out of the fearful, insecure time of who's better than who or who's doing better with god than who, and who's going to lead things and whatever....it felt very much like we really do just function together now.....not that we're anywhere near writing the book on it, but it really did seem like a family doing things together and everyone pitching in just when they and only they could do their part...
i loved it
i had ever such a lovely time in wales this weekend!
to all present, i thank thee..to those who for a minute every now and again i wished were there, consider yourself missed....
the drive down, surprisingly, was probably my favourite time...and no wait, the drive back too..! me cate and hattie found ourselves the first to arrive and last to leave - therefore the homemakers and the clear-up committee...both of which were lovely in their own ways...
and i enjoyed very much the company of the wezzles family, seeing caleb so tired he could hardly move but then being so alive whenever we were praying, having mr vino in our collective midst and wondering how we got by without him all those years....seeing the hughes family, much missed round these parts...
i really felt this air of ease, like we really have made it out of the fearful, insecure time of who's better than who or who's doing better with god than who, and who's going to lead things and whatever....it felt very much like we really do just function together now.....not that we're anywhere near writing the book on it, but it really did seem like a family doing things together and everyone pitching in just when they and only they could do their part...
i loved it
jueves, diciembre 14, 2006
joy cometh..
i should offer an apology here....
the last post was whiny and selfish. i was going to delete it, out of embarrassment, but i think it should serve more as a reminder to myself that whiners are wieners and to just remember the following, before writing any such post in the future...
the evening of monday carried on in much the same vein as the daytime...i felt anxious, sad, and mildly lost. i watched tv, pottered at home, and generally let myself feel quite miserable. i spent some time with ben which was nice and also watched the choir, which i have been enjoying very much. however i played evoision with god and put him off and put him off..
bedtime came and i felt as uneasy as i had all day, knowing too that i was now letting -it- whatever it was, really have a hold.
and then i read about 10 psalms, and prayed. i'm not even kidding when i say god entirely came through, showed me truth, offered me peace and i felt life in me again. it hadn't just been 24 hours, really, it had indeed been longer, possibly much longer.
i learned from scratch (again!) that god answers when i actually call. instead of me not calling and him not answering and me getting cross with him (!!!) when he's not at fault but is just waiting for me to say what i want, and to offer my trust just by asking.
quelle idioa, you might say, na....
good one...
thing is, i'm pretty sure this is how it goes..on and on, over and over....but i think i am starting to see that the quicker i react the quicker he responds to me, because fear and doubt don't have so long to creep in.
i'm quite, quite sure that this has all made alot more sense in my head than it has to you, dear reader, but just believe me that things are ok, and i really am sorry for the last post....love you
the last post was whiny and selfish. i was going to delete it, out of embarrassment, but i think it should serve more as a reminder to myself that whiners are wieners and to just remember the following, before writing any such post in the future...
the evening of monday carried on in much the same vein as the daytime...i felt anxious, sad, and mildly lost. i watched tv, pottered at home, and generally let myself feel quite miserable. i spent some time with ben which was nice and also watched the choir, which i have been enjoying very much. however i played evoision with god and put him off and put him off..
bedtime came and i felt as uneasy as i had all day, knowing too that i was now letting -it- whatever it was, really have a hold.
and then i read about 10 psalms, and prayed. i'm not even kidding when i say god entirely came through, showed me truth, offered me peace and i felt life in me again. it hadn't just been 24 hours, really, it had indeed been longer, possibly much longer.
i learned from scratch (again!) that god answers when i actually call. instead of me not calling and him not answering and me getting cross with him (!!!) when he's not at fault but is just waiting for me to say what i want, and to offer my trust just by asking.
quelle idioa, you might say, na....
good one...
thing is, i'm pretty sure this is how it goes..on and on, over and over....but i think i am starting to see that the quicker i react the quicker he responds to me, because fear and doubt don't have so long to creep in.
i'm quite, quite sure that this has all made alot more sense in my head than it has to you, dear reader, but just believe me that things are ok, and i really am sorry for the last post....love you
lunes, diciembre 11, 2006
ill at ease....
sometimes i forget how good i can fake it...
the being ok, and sometimes when i really am not ok, the world around me is entirely convinced, sucked in......i feel ill at ease, quite often these days.......
i feel like even though i am posing no threat, spiritually, to anyone right now, the very fact that i work where i do pleases god and irks the other one, and here i am again with mental wranglings and old fears......
i think my vision of jesus hasn't grown for sometime. its been ages, in fact, since one of those faith-injecting moments with god, or one of those awe-inspiring glimpses of how its all working out because of him....or even just one of those fractions of a second, where you feel him, near and steady, true and undefeated.
i want him to show up in my life soon, again.....part of me thinks, na, you've seen so much, surely that's enough to live on...?! surely you've had more than most people ever think they're allowed to ask for in their whole long lives..!?
but me, i want more. i want to know him who refused to stay dead...the man who lived. to know that that same rope that pulled him out of being dead will also pull me out of where i feel i am.
i also want to know him in the unfeeling, unsensory way...in the solid, authorised version of himself. in the absolute, the irrefutable, the certainty of history, triumph and fact.
i fear i am reaching that point in life when faith should be simmering down, becoming either tidy and polite and organised (rotas for tea duty, kids' work and welcomes...) or non-existent; grown-out-of, or squeezed out by -reality-
i can't do my job with faith like that, and i can't rise above myself with faith like that either.
i sure can't please god with faith like that.
and the double whammy is i can't be happy or at peace either.
start me up god, and lead the way...
the being ok, and sometimes when i really am not ok, the world around me is entirely convinced, sucked in......i feel ill at ease, quite often these days.......
i feel like even though i am posing no threat, spiritually, to anyone right now, the very fact that i work where i do pleases god and irks the other one, and here i am again with mental wranglings and old fears......
i think my vision of jesus hasn't grown for sometime. its been ages, in fact, since one of those faith-injecting moments with god, or one of those awe-inspiring glimpses of how its all working out because of him....or even just one of those fractions of a second, where you feel him, near and steady, true and undefeated.
i want him to show up in my life soon, again.....part of me thinks, na, you've seen so much, surely that's enough to live on...?! surely you've had more than most people ever think they're allowed to ask for in their whole long lives..!?
but me, i want more. i want to know him who refused to stay dead...the man who lived. to know that that same rope that pulled him out of being dead will also pull me out of where i feel i am.
i also want to know him in the unfeeling, unsensory way...in the solid, authorised version of himself. in the absolute, the irrefutable, the certainty of history, triumph and fact.
i fear i am reaching that point in life when faith should be simmering down, becoming either tidy and polite and organised (rotas for tea duty, kids' work and welcomes...) or non-existent; grown-out-of, or squeezed out by -reality-
i can't do my job with faith like that, and i can't rise above myself with faith like that either.
i sure can't please god with faith like that.
and the double whammy is i can't be happy or at peace either.
start me up god, and lead the way...
viernes, diciembre 01, 2006
the stage is set...
i can now gladly announce that the first in our advent season of winterly film watching will commence this sunday evening at 7pm at my house.
pigface you said somethign about mulled wine...?!
i'll get the stollen and various other things, feel free to bring anything else you'd like, and cushions or blankets if you so wish, as seating is somewhat limited...!
wooooooooohhhhhhhhooooooowwww
pigface you said somethign about mulled wine...?!
i'll get the stollen and various other things, feel free to bring anything else you'd like, and cushions or blankets if you so wish, as seating is somewhat limited...!
wooooooooohhhhhhhhooooooowwww
miércoles, noviembre 29, 2006
vitals..
i love my job. i get to spend some of my time reading up about Things That Ought To Be Read
and today i read this...
Between a 18% to 32% of rough sleepers were once in Local Authority Care as children (Randall and Brown 2001, CHAIN London 2001/02). This compares to national figures which show that only one per cent of all those under 18 have been in care (SEU, July 1998)
you can read it here..
i don't know the local authority care system. and i am not judging it or damning anyone working in it. i still think i would like to work in it myself one day, as a foster parent. but for now its hard to dismiss the kinds of facts avilable about life after care.
and today i read this...
Between a 18% to 32% of rough sleepers were once in Local Authority Care as children (Randall and Brown 2001, CHAIN London 2001/02). This compares to national figures which show that only one per cent of all those under 18 have been in care (SEU, July 1998)
you can read it here..
i don't know the local authority care system. and i am not judging it or damning anyone working in it. i still think i would like to work in it myself one day, as a foster parent. but for now its hard to dismiss the kinds of facts avilable about life after care.
martes, noviembre 28, 2006
shpwp 2006...!!
allllllllriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhht
so in honour of the late, great smash hits magazine, and its annual feast of a poll winners' party, i have decided to host a poll winners' blog party of my own. (not to be confused with bloc party, although similar in funness..)
the pwp was traditionally held at around this time of year, on a sunday afternoon, and i would be covetous of anyone in attendance. i have lately found that a dear friend of mine once went to it, and i was green with envy!
so anyway, without much further ado, my winners for the year 2006 are.....
best album
the kooks: inside in/inside out
other nominees were...
kathryn williams: old low light
fiona's compilation cd
phil's birthday compilation cd
best song
nitin sawhney: the promise
other nominees were...
josh ritter: you don't make it easy
the kooks: naive
panic! at the disco: build god, then we'll talk
neil mcsweeney: long way round
best gig
jason mraz: the academy
other nominees were...
jason mraz: the apollo (and james blunt!)
the feeling: the academy
the band at claire+anthony's wedding
best dinner
steak with russell at goucho grill
other nominees were...
every evening meal in spain with the hall family
the place near dunham massey with caleb, oria and russell
first meal after daniel fast
iain's salmon risotto
best book
nicole krauss: the history of love
other nominees were...
khaled hosseini: the kite runner
joy dawson: forever ruined for the ordinary
alexander masters: stuart - a life backwards
best new clothes
jeans: asda, £10. i havne't owned jeans since i was 15!)
other nominees were...
mt: brown coat
ireland: black skirt
dorothy: 3 tops the same in different colours!
best new flip-flops
ripcurl: brown
other nominees were...
reef: green + pink
black+whites from mt
best night out
(in mcr) in sept/oct with caleb, russell, matt and fran
(in the shire) nick's birthday at the cafe rene
other nominees were...
new year's eve...it spilled over a good seven hours into 2006..!
with the staff of the blood bank office last week!
the night of fi + lizi's 21st...my word..what a mess that was..!
best surprise
liv turning up for my manchester birthday party
other nominees were...
caleb turning up at my shire party!
laura+paddy turning up at my shire party..
meeting a very beautiful man
enjoying london in february..thanks to liv+hats for that!
the sun turning up for our ireland holiday in april!
time most clearly hearing from god
the 1st week of june re work, men, grace and many other things
other nominees were....
"move to blair road..." thanks for that one jesus!
at the end of the daniel fast " don't do law.." ! what a get-out!..phew...
best laughing
in ireland with claire, emma and drago
other nominees were...
at mt with katie when amber one of the helpers was telling us about her photocopy art..
with fiona on new years eve..mostly at fabian the pirate boy, stretch, kinky ken and rob
best film
the life aquatic
other nominees were...
v for vendetta
schindler's list (no really, i'd never seen it before!)
not quite a film, but i DID very much enjoy my week's rental of dawson season 6....man, that was a fun week!
worst film
broken flowers
other nominees were...
wedding crashers
mission impossible III (esp the part where they were wrecking all the wind turbines.......sob...)
THE END.
...SHPWP...RIP...
so in honour of the late, great smash hits magazine, and its annual feast of a poll winners' party, i have decided to host a poll winners' blog party of my own. (not to be confused with bloc party, although similar in funness..)
the pwp was traditionally held at around this time of year, on a sunday afternoon, and i would be covetous of anyone in attendance. i have lately found that a dear friend of mine once went to it, and i was green with envy!
so anyway, without much further ado, my winners for the year 2006 are.....
best album
the kooks: inside in/inside out
other nominees were...
kathryn williams: old low light
fiona's compilation cd
phil's birthday compilation cd
best song
nitin sawhney: the promise
other nominees were...
josh ritter: you don't make it easy
the kooks: naive
panic! at the disco: build god, then we'll talk
neil mcsweeney: long way round
best gig
jason mraz: the academy
other nominees were...
jason mraz: the apollo (and james blunt!)
the feeling: the academy
the band at claire+anthony's wedding
best dinner
steak with russell at goucho grill
other nominees were...
every evening meal in spain with the hall family
the place near dunham massey with caleb, oria and russell
first meal after daniel fast
iain's salmon risotto
best book
nicole krauss: the history of love
other nominees were...
khaled hosseini: the kite runner
joy dawson: forever ruined for the ordinary
alexander masters: stuart - a life backwards
best new clothes
jeans: asda, £10. i havne't owned jeans since i was 15!)
other nominees were...
mt: brown coat
ireland: black skirt
dorothy: 3 tops the same in different colours!
best new flip-flops
ripcurl: brown
other nominees were...
reef: green + pink
black+whites from mt
best night out
(in mcr) in sept/oct with caleb, russell, matt and fran
(in the shire) nick's birthday at the cafe rene
other nominees were...
new year's eve...it spilled over a good seven hours into 2006..!
with the staff of the blood bank office last week!
the night of fi + lizi's 21st...my word..what a mess that was..!
best surprise
liv turning up for my manchester birthday party
other nominees were...
caleb turning up at my shire party!
laura+paddy turning up at my shire party..
meeting a very beautiful man
enjoying london in february..thanks to liv+hats for that!
the sun turning up for our ireland holiday in april!
time most clearly hearing from god
the 1st week of june re work, men, grace and many other things
other nominees were....
"move to blair road..." thanks for that one jesus!
at the end of the daniel fast " don't do law.." ! what a get-out!..phew...
best laughing
in ireland with claire, emma and drago
other nominees were...
at mt with katie when amber one of the helpers was telling us about her photocopy art..
with fiona on new years eve..mostly at fabian the pirate boy, stretch, kinky ken and rob
best film
the life aquatic
other nominees were...
v for vendetta
schindler's list (no really, i'd never seen it before!)
not quite a film, but i DID very much enjoy my week's rental of dawson season 6....man, that was a fun week!
worst film
broken flowers
other nominees were...
wedding crashers
mission impossible III (esp the part where they were wrecking all the wind turbines.......sob...)
THE END.
...SHPWP...RIP...
holy ericsson batman
i can use the radio on my phone...!
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i'm so excited!
on the way to work this joyful morning i listened to the last half-hour of today...
i have never heard it before...!
all these mornings i have had to leave the house at either 7.40 (blood bank on a 8-4 week), 8.40 (blood bank on a 9-5 week), 7.50 (salford foyer) and now 8.10 (mt) i have never, ever heard the end of the today programme...
that cna't be true really.....but its still exciting...they are always about to talk of something fascinating, just when you have to leave the house, but as of this very day, john, caroline, edward et al are coming with me on the 85...!!
thanks mother for my new (your old) phone...
over and out amigos x x
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah i'm so excited!
on the way to work this joyful morning i listened to the last half-hour of today...
i have never heard it before...!
all these mornings i have had to leave the house at either 7.40 (blood bank on a 8-4 week), 8.40 (blood bank on a 9-5 week), 7.50 (salford foyer) and now 8.10 (mt) i have never, ever heard the end of the today programme...
that cna't be true really.....but its still exciting...they are always about to talk of something fascinating, just when you have to leave the house, but as of this very day, john, caroline, edward et al are coming with me on the 85...!!
thanks mother for my new (your old) phone...
over and out amigos x x
lunes, noviembre 20, 2006
winterly watching..
so i have decided that since the coming five weeks makes me an equivalent giddy to sal at the start of the world cup, i am going to celebrate in style.
the style, rather than cullinary expeditions, shall be winterly watching, of christmassy movies, at my house, once a week during advent...
i think sunday evenings would be good (this is up for negotiations...), i think company would be great, and i think you guys should get on board and let hollywood bring you that sense of wonderous anticipation about celebrating the birth of our lord through films that are generally..in fact invariably, nothing to do with him at all, but are snowy and splendid nevertheless..!
all in favour, say..........santa claus the movie....!
all suggestions welcome as to what our collective top five christmas films might be, as there are usually five sundays in advent it would all work out beautifully!
woohoo and yay
the style, rather than cullinary expeditions, shall be winterly watching, of christmassy movies, at my house, once a week during advent...
i think sunday evenings would be good (this is up for negotiations...), i think company would be great, and i think you guys should get on board and let hollywood bring you that sense of wonderous anticipation about celebrating the birth of our lord through films that are generally..in fact invariably, nothing to do with him at all, but are snowy and splendid nevertheless..!
all in favour, say..........santa claus the movie....!
all suggestions welcome as to what our collective top five christmas films might be, as there are usually five sundays in advent it would all work out beautifully!
woohoo and yay
jueves, noviembre 16, 2006
marketeering..
so today the christmas markets start in manchester and i am so excited.
it sound like a very lame and dull post is about to come, mes amies, mais non!
the markets are so lovely. you feel warm in the cold, you feel at home in the town, you know it but its new and the smells are of christmas and winterly weather and food and people and sweets and leather handbags and scarves and hats, and naturellement, the gluwein......yes the spicy wine of loveliness and warmth is back on our shores once again, and i for one cannot wait!
some jammy people that work at the town hall and the like have probably already been there, at lunchtime. curses. ancoats is decidedly disadvantageous for market-attendance, but do not you worry, i shall be there, come the stroke of 5 o'clock i'll be out the door, shawl on, gloved up and my heart glad, for christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat.
it sound like a very lame and dull post is about to come, mes amies, mais non!
the markets are so lovely. you feel warm in the cold, you feel at home in the town, you know it but its new and the smells are of christmas and winterly weather and food and people and sweets and leather handbags and scarves and hats, and naturellement, the gluwein......yes the spicy wine of loveliness and warmth is back on our shores once again, and i for one cannot wait!
some jammy people that work at the town hall and the like have probably already been there, at lunchtime. curses. ancoats is decidedly disadvantageous for market-attendance, but do not you worry, i shall be there, come the stroke of 5 o'clock i'll be out the door, shawl on, gloved up and my heart glad, for christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat.
feeling it..
so i went to see the feeling last night at the academty with sal.
they reminded me of the supernaturals.
they also made me think - and this is kind of wierd and you'll porbably disagree with me entirely! but it made me think - maybe the beatles would sound like this if they were around now? to me, that idea is nowhere like abhorrant or disgraceful as some make out when they bang on about how the beatles were the best band of all time. for me, they had some great songs* but most of them were average and in the light of all that has come since, they do not stand out particularly, except that they have longevity and are therefore anthems each in their own small right. anyway, the feeling have really good songs, some of them they even mean, i'm sure. the one about rosé wine is sadly funny, and the one sal loves which i don't know the name of is lovely, and the one about -at least they're not lonely- is brilliant. anyway there is youth in there and very good singing voices and something pleasantly individual. kind of like the beatles. well done.
*my top five beatles' songs..
back in the ussr
st pepper's lonely hearts club band
get back
a day in the life
hey jude
they reminded me of the supernaturals.
they also made me think - and this is kind of wierd and you'll porbably disagree with me entirely! but it made me think - maybe the beatles would sound like this if they were around now? to me, that idea is nowhere like abhorrant or disgraceful as some make out when they bang on about how the beatles were the best band of all time. for me, they had some great songs* but most of them were average and in the light of all that has come since, they do not stand out particularly, except that they have longevity and are therefore anthems each in their own small right. anyway, the feeling have really good songs, some of them they even mean, i'm sure. the one about rosé wine is sadly funny, and the one sal loves which i don't know the name of is lovely, and the one about -at least they're not lonely- is brilliant. anyway there is youth in there and very good singing voices and something pleasantly individual. kind of like the beatles. well done.
*my top five beatles' songs..
back in the ussr
st pepper's lonely hearts club band
get back
a day in the life
hey jude
martes, noviembre 14, 2006
psalm 7: 99 - 06
i celebrate today, with heaven and with jesus who cannot love me more now than he did then, but who i think i love more now, in that rusted, sometimes tired, sometimes christmas-morning-excitable way, sometimes in yawns and sometimes in new words found, sometimes like i can't think straight, sometimes in a -oh, you're still there- way, sometimes in a -oh, you were there....what happened?- kind of way..
today i celebrate seven whole years passing since i gave my life to the lord. many of my fair readers were present that weekend, two of you were there at the very minute. what a strange old time it was..i was hesitant....reluctant...even scoffing of the idea, right up until the second it happened. mrs p and dr knox had pinned me to the floor a couple of hours before, and forced me to voice my oppositions to becoming a christian. there were many, and they dealt with which ones so ever they were able. it was not enough for me. i resolved to go outside and smoke. smoke i did, several, i imagine, and upon my return into the building, i was adamant that i was not going to do it today, but when i was 26. i had decided some weeks before that being a christian might be good, helpful even, for the unstable, emotionally wraught na that attended a CU houseparty under duress and without a bible. but that night as i went back in after smoking, it was clear to me that i needed to go away, study the bible and i'd get back to them when i'd had a few more years of enjoying myself (which i actually wasn't, you understand, not at all...). as i went into the room where they all were....mrs p, andy, cate and caroline....i was so sure...and then i sat, and it all went away and i knew right then that the tired and emotionally screwed up me, the scared and small part of me that felt so, so awful, most of the time those days, would only know peace, or win any kind of contentment, or even just get through the night, with jesus in charge and winning it for me. it was so sudden that i think i almost gasped. it struck me. and i fell for him.
they prayed me towards him and i went, i made my choice, for him and all that that has meant and still will mean.
my praise goes to him but some of my thanks goes to those four people. and to trev who the next day told me i could be in his cell if i wanted. i had no idea what a cell was, or why i would want to be in one with him, but he grinned at me and we buth knew i'd go. there, i met penny and rachel, and andy p, and ollie, and eddie. the next week or two weeks later i met the first ever 24-7 prayer room outside of chichester. the first prayer room i had ever seen. and i didn't want to go home. god was scarily, overwhelmingly present in that room, and all i wanted was to be with him and others in there finding that being scared by god and not of god was the only way forward.
the months that followed were largely horrible, and the overcoming was slow and painstaking.
but others met my path with theirs and life got fuller and fuller.
for me, the idea of singing, unrestrained, abandoned and with tears, was all i'd ever wanted from church. st peter's catholic church and school in gloucester offered me a great many great things, but that was not one of them. all my life i had known that god wanted to hear more of me, like l.m.montgomery says of her readers, they always -wanted more of anne-. and like anne of green gables later puts it on one occassion, -it was as if she had set lighted candles in all the windows of her house of life-
i think that was true of me that evening and the days that followed, as i could sing and sing to god, having always known that's how i wanted to love him, and how i would best find him, and where i would want to stay with him. so i sang. alot.
thanks and love to you and to jesus, the ever-lovely.
today i celebrate seven whole years passing since i gave my life to the lord. many of my fair readers were present that weekend, two of you were there at the very minute. what a strange old time it was..i was hesitant....reluctant...even scoffing of the idea, right up until the second it happened. mrs p and dr knox had pinned me to the floor a couple of hours before, and forced me to voice my oppositions to becoming a christian. there were many, and they dealt with which ones so ever they were able. it was not enough for me. i resolved to go outside and smoke. smoke i did, several, i imagine, and upon my return into the building, i was adamant that i was not going to do it today, but when i was 26. i had decided some weeks before that being a christian might be good, helpful even, for the unstable, emotionally wraught na that attended a CU houseparty under duress and without a bible. but that night as i went back in after smoking, it was clear to me that i needed to go away, study the bible and i'd get back to them when i'd had a few more years of enjoying myself (which i actually wasn't, you understand, not at all...). as i went into the room where they all were....mrs p, andy, cate and caroline....i was so sure...and then i sat, and it all went away and i knew right then that the tired and emotionally screwed up me, the scared and small part of me that felt so, so awful, most of the time those days, would only know peace, or win any kind of contentment, or even just get through the night, with jesus in charge and winning it for me. it was so sudden that i think i almost gasped. it struck me. and i fell for him.
they prayed me towards him and i went, i made my choice, for him and all that that has meant and still will mean.
my praise goes to him but some of my thanks goes to those four people. and to trev who the next day told me i could be in his cell if i wanted. i had no idea what a cell was, or why i would want to be in one with him, but he grinned at me and we buth knew i'd go. there, i met penny and rachel, and andy p, and ollie, and eddie. the next week or two weeks later i met the first ever 24-7 prayer room outside of chichester. the first prayer room i had ever seen. and i didn't want to go home. god was scarily, overwhelmingly present in that room, and all i wanted was to be with him and others in there finding that being scared by god and not of god was the only way forward.
the months that followed were largely horrible, and the overcoming was slow and painstaking.
but others met my path with theirs and life got fuller and fuller.
for me, the idea of singing, unrestrained, abandoned and with tears, was all i'd ever wanted from church. st peter's catholic church and school in gloucester offered me a great many great things, but that was not one of them. all my life i had known that god wanted to hear more of me, like l.m.montgomery says of her readers, they always -wanted more of anne-. and like anne of green gables later puts it on one occassion, -it was as if she had set lighted candles in all the windows of her house of life-
i think that was true of me that evening and the days that followed, as i could sing and sing to god, having always known that's how i wanted to love him, and how i would best find him, and where i would want to stay with him. so i sang. alot.
thanks and love to you and to jesus, the ever-lovely.
lunes, noviembre 13, 2006
no smoke without fire..
so over the last three days i have -happily for you- not blogged through my cold but sat around and watched rubbish television with my duvet and felt generally sorry for myself.
i have been genuinely ill, and still am, although i am at work. this is a bad idea, not only for me because my head is throbbing and is verging on that sinus -ouch- thing where you want to shout at your head and tell it to fuck off for being so full of almost literal shit. it is also bad because i work surrounded by people who are poor and therefore probably of the low immune system variety, homeless people not often caught eating fruit, asylum seekers living on food vouchers probably not prioritising tubes of effervescent vitamin c in their £39 a week budget.
so i feel i am probably doing them a disservice.
but am here nonetheless
thing is, what has struck me over the last few days, is how badly i cope with pain on unhealth of any kind. we've always known i was a complete child when it comes to discomfort, but it strikes me that as someone who smokes, i am inviting pain upon myself.
this is obscenely stupid
as a somewhat flighty person (less so, as the years pass, i like to think..), i find it hard to think -in thirty years' time, i may well have a stroke- and take what possible precautions i may now while i have the chance. i have seen what strokes do to people, and it is vastly unpleasant. i saw my aunt, my godmother, mary, reduced for some time to the physical capacity of a baby and the mental understanding of a child, after that one horrible day. and even now she cannot do the crossword, or read books.....formerly two of her favourite pass times.
she smoked in the age when smoking wasn't really known to be all that bad for you. and then stopped. but even now she has what my mum insists on referring to as -a sedentary lifestyle-, which is precisely what you ought not to have if you wish to avoid a (second..) stroke.
i watched my grandmother collapse on Christmas morning last year. it turned out to be an angina attack, but at the time even the nurses among the haywards present thought it was much worse than that. her breathing over the last year has been reduced to puffs of air that look like a monumental effort to take it or let out. again, she smoked at a time when no photo was complete without cigarettes, shift dresses, gin somewhere and beautiful shoes.
i know what it does. they didn't, not really.
i have been genuinely ill, and still am, although i am at work. this is a bad idea, not only for me because my head is throbbing and is verging on that sinus -ouch- thing where you want to shout at your head and tell it to fuck off for being so full of almost literal shit. it is also bad because i work surrounded by people who are poor and therefore probably of the low immune system variety, homeless people not often caught eating fruit, asylum seekers living on food vouchers probably not prioritising tubes of effervescent vitamin c in their £39 a week budget.
so i feel i am probably doing them a disservice.
but am here nonetheless
thing is, what has struck me over the last few days, is how badly i cope with pain on unhealth of any kind. we've always known i was a complete child when it comes to discomfort, but it strikes me that as someone who smokes, i am inviting pain upon myself.
this is obscenely stupid
as a somewhat flighty person (less so, as the years pass, i like to think..), i find it hard to think -in thirty years' time, i may well have a stroke- and take what possible precautions i may now while i have the chance. i have seen what strokes do to people, and it is vastly unpleasant. i saw my aunt, my godmother, mary, reduced for some time to the physical capacity of a baby and the mental understanding of a child, after that one horrible day. and even now she cannot do the crossword, or read books.....formerly two of her favourite pass times.
she smoked in the age when smoking wasn't really known to be all that bad for you. and then stopped. but even now she has what my mum insists on referring to as -a sedentary lifestyle-, which is precisely what you ought not to have if you wish to avoid a (second..) stroke.
i watched my grandmother collapse on Christmas morning last year. it turned out to be an angina attack, but at the time even the nurses among the haywards present thought it was much worse than that. her breathing over the last year has been reduced to puffs of air that look like a monumental effort to take it or let out. again, she smoked at a time when no photo was complete without cigarettes, shift dresses, gin somewhere and beautiful shoes.
i know what it does. they didn't, not really.
viernes, noviembre 10, 2006
that's because you go to bed too late..
when i was a kid living at home, whatever was wrong with me, headache, spots, period pain, you know, my mother would say -that's because you go to bed too late-...
mouth ulcer, sprined ankle, split ends, you name it, it was because we didn't go to bed early enough...
and now, finally i believe...
i do, i believe it
i want to publicly acknowledge the wisdom and general wonder that is my mother, and salute you lucy, you were right all these years
i have the Winter Sickness already, you see, and I know now,t hat it is in large part due to my self-neglect, mainly concerning lateness to bed.
i did the right thing this morning, and came to work. but i am going home soon i think. i feel like crap and i can't think straight
over and out my loves, and remember, listen to those older and shorter than you, its a winning combination on the wisdom front
and eat your greens
mouth ulcer, sprined ankle, split ends, you name it, it was because we didn't go to bed early enough...
and now, finally i believe...
i do, i believe it
i want to publicly acknowledge the wisdom and general wonder that is my mother, and salute you lucy, you were right all these years
i have the Winter Sickness already, you see, and I know now,t hat it is in large part due to my self-neglect, mainly concerning lateness to bed.
i did the right thing this morning, and came to work. but i am going home soon i think. i feel like crap and i can't think straight
over and out my loves, and remember, listen to those older and shorter than you, its a winning combination on the wisdom front
and eat your greens
on a lighter note, mind...
here is something for your thursday afternoon amusement.....
no quite pirate, but here is some hints on how to speak glawster, should you ever find yourself alone and misunderstood in that fabled city..
This has recently appeared in Tourist Information Leaflet for those people intending to vist our hallowed City.
Glawster
The first point all tourists must learn is that this is not Gloucester at all but Glawster, and is situated north of Bristow and south of Chewksbree and Burmagum. The accent is simple and easy to follow, provided you cut out this article and keep it about your person at all times during your stay. First, transport hints for travelling during your stay here. The best way to get around Gloucester is aboard a large vehicle called a buzz. These are found at buzz tops. At a buzz top you ketch yer buzz.
ATTRACTIONS
Once in the city centre, known as up the town, attractions include the Po Stoffice where you can buy post lorders, stamps etc. Ladies queuing in front of you may be holding children in their arms. These are known as babbiz.The Po Stoffice is open all week Mundee to Sardee, but never on a Sundee. The same is true of Omes Tores, the well-know Sainsbriz.
FOOD
The correct way of saying hungry is 'Ant add nutten teat all day' - a suitable reply is 'Ant ya?' To satisfy your hunger you have to find a place where you can summit teat. When you find one, you say 'yer tiz'. If it's a self-service place you greet the owner with the phrase -'ow be?', he will reply, 'Notsa bad, an you?' Indicate the food you want by saying, 'I'll ave some o' them chips'. You should always say them instead of 'those' and 'er' instead of 'she'. Hence the phrase 'Er et all them elvers on Sardee'. Similarly 'im is used instead of 'it'. For example, 'werz me wheelbarra? I ad im yesde.'
PHRASES
Questions begin with the words 'Wer?', 'Oooo?', 'Ow?', etc. Answers are 'tis' (positive) and 'tent' (negative). The word 'yes' has been abolished in Gloucester and replaced by 'aah'. If a local is not certain whether a thing 'tis' or 'tent' he will be non-committal and say 'spexso', 'praps', or 'spose'. In Gloucester you must remember that you never go TO a place but UP it. So you should say 'up the doctor's', 'up the library', ' up the vets' and 'up the bingo'. Housewives are often to be seen going up the shops. Occasionally, words are added to the end of a sentence to form a question such as 'ennit'. Example: 'Good up yer ennit?'. Another such word is 'cannus', as in 'can't do tall at once cannus?'. Quite often the word 'mind' is added at the end of a sentence for emphasis. For example if someone asks you where you are going: 'Were ya going?' 'Up town mind'. The word 'mind' is often used in rugby. For instance: 'ees a big un mind' or 'played well mind'. (Note: rugby is the most widely worshipped religion in Glawster.)
COMPLIMENT
People and things you like should be referred to as 'proper good'. You also use the word 'proper' when you want to emphasise another word, as in 'Them cockles was proper tasty'. Strangely, you can be 'proper drunk' and a 'proper devil' too. If you stop liking someone then you have 'gawn awf' them. Mouldy cheese is also described as 'gawn awf'.If during your visit your health goes awf, be sure to get a doctor's sustiffcut. The highest compliment you can pay to people you are fond of is to describe them as 'dead good', 'dead generous', etc. A cheerful youngster is a 'dead appy babee'. It is also possible to be dead lively and dead awake. Now try these for practice: I sin im yesdee. Me babbiz lost her at. Tent right. Tis! Praps, praps not. Givus un yer. Werya bin? - Werja think? Preferably this should be done late at night, to the noise of car doors slamming and the sound should be loud enough to carry four times around the block. To your 'Ta-laas' they will shout the traditional Gloucester phrase, 'Seeya gen'.
Hope you coddit all proper clear - SEEZY ENNIT?
no quite pirate, but here is some hints on how to speak glawster, should you ever find yourself alone and misunderstood in that fabled city..
This has recently appeared in Tourist Information Leaflet for those people intending to vist our hallowed City.
Glawster
The first point all tourists must learn is that this is not Gloucester at all but Glawster, and is situated north of Bristow and south of Chewksbree and Burmagum. The accent is simple and easy to follow, provided you cut out this article and keep it about your person at all times during your stay. First, transport hints for travelling during your stay here. The best way to get around Gloucester is aboard a large vehicle called a buzz. These are found at buzz tops. At a buzz top you ketch yer buzz.
ATTRACTIONS
Once in the city centre, known as up the town, attractions include the Po Stoffice where you can buy post lorders, stamps etc. Ladies queuing in front of you may be holding children in their arms. These are known as babbiz.The Po Stoffice is open all week Mundee to Sardee, but never on a Sundee. The same is true of Omes Tores, the well-know Sainsbriz.
FOOD
The correct way of saying hungry is 'Ant add nutten teat all day' - a suitable reply is 'Ant ya?' To satisfy your hunger you have to find a place where you can summit teat. When you find one, you say 'yer tiz'. If it's a self-service place you greet the owner with the phrase -'ow be?', he will reply, 'Notsa bad, an you?' Indicate the food you want by saying, 'I'll ave some o' them chips'. You should always say them instead of 'those' and 'er' instead of 'she'. Hence the phrase 'Er et all them elvers on Sardee'. Similarly 'im is used instead of 'it'. For example, 'werz me wheelbarra? I ad im yesde.'
PHRASES
Questions begin with the words 'Wer?', 'Oooo?', 'Ow?', etc. Answers are 'tis' (positive) and 'tent' (negative). The word 'yes' has been abolished in Gloucester and replaced by 'aah'. If a local is not certain whether a thing 'tis' or 'tent' he will be non-committal and say 'spexso', 'praps', or 'spose'. In Gloucester you must remember that you never go TO a place but UP it. So you should say 'up the doctor's', 'up the library', ' up the vets' and 'up the bingo'. Housewives are often to be seen going up the shops. Occasionally, words are added to the end of a sentence to form a question such as 'ennit'. Example: 'Good up yer ennit?'. Another such word is 'cannus', as in 'can't do tall at once cannus?'. Quite often the word 'mind' is added at the end of a sentence for emphasis. For example if someone asks you where you are going: 'Were ya going?' 'Up town mind'. The word 'mind' is often used in rugby. For instance: 'ees a big un mind' or 'played well mind'. (Note: rugby is the most widely worshipped religion in Glawster.)
COMPLIMENT
People and things you like should be referred to as 'proper good'. You also use the word 'proper' when you want to emphasise another word, as in 'Them cockles was proper tasty'. Strangely, you can be 'proper drunk' and a 'proper devil' too. If you stop liking someone then you have 'gawn awf' them. Mouldy cheese is also described as 'gawn awf'.If during your visit your health goes awf, be sure to get a doctor's sustiffcut. The highest compliment you can pay to people you are fond of is to describe them as 'dead good', 'dead generous', etc. A cheerful youngster is a 'dead appy babee'. It is also possible to be dead lively and dead awake. Now try these for practice: I sin im yesdee. Me babbiz lost her at. Tent right. Tis! Praps, praps not. Givus un yer. Werya bin? - Werja think? Preferably this should be done late at night, to the noise of car doors slamming and the sound should be loud enough to carry four times around the block. To your 'Ta-laas' they will shout the traditional Gloucester phrase, 'Seeya gen'.
Hope you coddit all proper clear - SEEZY ENNIT?
holy mother..
so last night i heard the joyous and mildly traumatic sounds of childbirth under my very roof...
yes indeed, hannah flint gave birth downstairs from me last night, and while all along i have sworn i'd be exiting the building just as soon as you can say -waters br-------- i stuck around to do the upstairs praying....
and so was born jocelyn lucy flint
a happy day in blair road indeed, and for flints and butchers everywhere.....!!
jocelyn, i will always have gum x
yes indeed, hannah flint gave birth downstairs from me last night, and while all along i have sworn i'd be exiting the building just as soon as you can say -waters br-------- i stuck around to do the upstairs praying....
and so was born jocelyn lucy flint
a happy day in blair road indeed, and for flints and butchers everywhere.....!!
jocelyn, i will always have gum x
miércoles, noviembre 01, 2006
bonjour, mes amis...
oh please forgive me.
for the love of internet! i have some at my new house...and no computer...
i have some at work and no access to blog sites...
but then - i found that one can email to one's very own blog
geeks are so smart. blogger geeks - i salute you!
commentators.....again, please forgive my neglect....
i have not one excuse. not even a bad one, so i offer none. i am crap.
well, i'm not sure about that last part, but i am sorry
i could write one of those nice long list-posts, i think i'm quite good at those...
or i could not say anything at all about what i've been doing, and just start with today.
truth is, not much has happened.
i am not near to god, in my heart, and therefore i am not changing. and not changing means there's really not much to tell.
but, i have moved to blair road, finally taking my turn at living in the wezzle homestead. the top floor flat is mine all to myself with no smelly boys, no disappeared toilet paper and no washing up left around the place.
the night before i left heald to go there, helen spied me looking rather nervous. she was like -oh, you know jesus is waiting there for you, don't you! nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, just you and him- and she smelt the fear. and now i know that the fear was entirely founded, in the reality that when left alone, backed into a corner with god, he's there waiting and i think he's been waiting a while. he's staring at me and its making me nervous. i now live with him, and no-ne else, and he knows everything about me. and he still likes me.
thunderbolt city.
i am now learning that life fully with jesus, with all the ups and downs and questions without answers and challenge and intensity and quietness and general collage of contradiction, is so much better than the last six weeks or so, probably more, of bland, quietly-corrupted, self-absorbed, prayer-less unholy holiday....it really has been rather alot longer than six weeks, too......there have been moments, where i have wanted to know god, and been temporarily committed to that idea, never really gaining enough speed with it for it to be mistaken for pursuit. but i do not want moments anymore. i want whole afternoons, days, weeks and decades of walking with god. enoch managed 300 years of walking with the lord. imagine.
i know i have made statements of intent, and rash promises, on these very pages enough times before, so i am not about to do that again today. but i do want to break this cursed cycle of a jesus-less autumn, because it is, after all, my favourite time of year, and you should always be with those you want to love the most at your favourite time of year.
look at it! just look outside - shiny and blue and clean and freakin cold - my all-time favourite weather......
hats on people, mitten up, its time to read the bible....
for the love of internet! i have some at my new house...and no computer...
i have some at work and no access to blog sites...
but then - i found that one can email to one's very own blog
geeks are so smart. blogger geeks - i salute you!
commentators.....again, please forgive my neglect....
i have not one excuse. not even a bad one, so i offer none. i am crap.
well, i'm not sure about that last part, but i am sorry
i could write one of those nice long list-posts, i think i'm quite good at those...
or i could not say anything at all about what i've been doing, and just start with today.
truth is, not much has happened.
i am not near to god, in my heart, and therefore i am not changing. and not changing means there's really not much to tell.
but, i have moved to blair road, finally taking my turn at living in the wezzle homestead. the top floor flat is mine all to myself with no smelly boys, no disappeared toilet paper and no washing up left around the place.
the night before i left heald to go there, helen spied me looking rather nervous. she was like -oh, you know jesus is waiting there for you, don't you! nowhere to hide, nowhere to go, just you and him- and she smelt the fear. and now i know that the fear was entirely founded, in the reality that when left alone, backed into a corner with god, he's there waiting and i think he's been waiting a while. he's staring at me and its making me nervous. i now live with him, and no-ne else, and he knows everything about me. and he still likes me.
thunderbolt city.
i am now learning that life fully with jesus, with all the ups and downs and questions without answers and challenge and intensity and quietness and general collage of contradiction, is so much better than the last six weeks or so, probably more, of bland, quietly-corrupted, self-absorbed, prayer-less unholy holiday....it really has been rather alot longer than six weeks, too......there have been moments, where i have wanted to know god, and been temporarily committed to that idea, never really gaining enough speed with it for it to be mistaken for pursuit. but i do not want moments anymore. i want whole afternoons, days, weeks and decades of walking with god. enoch managed 300 years of walking with the lord. imagine.
i know i have made statements of intent, and rash promises, on these very pages enough times before, so i am not about to do that again today. but i do want to break this cursed cycle of a jesus-less autumn, because it is, after all, my favourite time of year, and you should always be with those you want to love the most at your favourite time of year.
look at it! just look outside - shiny and blue and clean and freakin cold - my all-time favourite weather......
hats on people, mitten up, its time to read the bible....
jueves, octubre 26, 2006
jueves, junio 29, 2006
all these things that i've done...
gosh i am so sorry for being such a crsp blogger....there are all kinds of blogger awards these days you know, i'd like to nominate myself for least consistent, but sadly i think there are quite a few of us who could be in the running for that one these days...!
well i am doing seperate posts for each recent event that is worthy of note...not sure why
on a whim, i suppose
lots of love and all apologies...
loveanna xx x x x x x
well i am doing seperate posts for each recent event that is worthy of note...not sure why
on a whim, i suppose
lots of love and all apologies...
loveanna xx x x x x x
went to the lakes with cate and timmo and russell and caleb and hope....
five get eaten alive..
five go to the lakes for less than 12 hours...
five manage to avoid getting fined a thousand pounds each for having an illegal fire...! (caleb let on about that one about ten minutes after us all getting comfty round the fire...!)
five realise on the way home they they are actually six, if the blyton standard is being used, since timmy in the original Five was, in fact, a dog....
anyway the whole thing was lots of fun and remember cate's handy hint everyone, eat more marmite and you can remain smug and unbitten like she and i...!
thanks guys it was brill
five get eaten alive..
five go to the lakes for less than 12 hours...
five manage to avoid getting fined a thousand pounds each for having an illegal fire...! (caleb let on about that one about ten minutes after us all getting comfty round the fire...!)
five realise on the way home they they are actually six, if the blyton standard is being used, since timmy in the original Five was, in fact, a dog....
anyway the whole thing was lots of fun and remember cate's handy hint everyone, eat more marmite and you can remain smug and unbitten like she and i...!
thanks guys it was brill
have bene shocked by how much i have enjoyed the world cup so far...not been getting carried away, and certainly am maintaining staunch realism about england's slim chances of being good enough to win it, but nonetheless am firmly in the spirit of the thing, and am therefore suffering from Wimbledon Tedium Syndrome since tennis is, frankly, shit watching after football, which is turn is still a slightly poor summertime subsitute for rubgy, but i shan't moan about that because i shall get yelled at or some other such rubbish but anyway, i am enjoying it
and no-one is more surprised than me....!
and no-one is more surprised than me....!
so i finished my ten-week-work embargo...i knew about a week before that god was saying to fight my way out of it and to ensure that i had done what the time had been set aside for me to do...so the aforementioned joy dawson book was a big help, and i ended the happy, sunny days of lunch club, afternoons with fran, stoop-sitting, house-painting, house-cleaning, oswald-reading and penny (as in money, not mrs w)-saving and opted for the miraculous employment which is detailed below....
i would like now to offer a huge and hug-ful thank you to those who fed, prayed with, sat with and suburbed with me during the ten weeks that would have been alot harder if god had just put me to task in them and not allowed it to be such fun...emma, fran, matt, kat and josh, penny and the girls, iain, cate, mattie...! all good day-time pals at times, at the time, merci beaucoup, mes amies....
big thanks, too, to the sun, for making me brown in my unemployment....it sure was worth it...
and to the lord for the gift of being fed and looked after while not earning, and for the lessons along the way....
i would like now to offer a huge and hug-ful thank you to those who fed, prayed with, sat with and suburbed with me during the ten weeks that would have been alot harder if god had just put me to task in them and not allowed it to be such fun...emma, fran, matt, kat and josh, penny and the girls, iain, cate, mattie...! all good day-time pals at times, at the time, merci beaucoup, mes amies....
big thanks, too, to the sun, for making me brown in my unemployment....it sure was worth it...
and to the lord for the gift of being fed and looked after while not earning, and for the lessons along the way....
besides which i got a better idea... .....after the sheer madness of the -european urban cultures ma- idea, which was brought swiftly and painlessly to a close by the pienaars and their shrewd and honest questioning one aftenroon about the time i last posted (mrs p-this is absurd, why would you, you, want to study cities?! you've never been about cities! it makes no sense!-), (tom-so come on then, what do you want? what do you really want to do?!, no more dumbing yourself down and finding the easy ideas, what do you want to do , because we think you're capable-). something wierd happened that afternoon, where i honestly said the things that, intelligence, training and money aside, i actually wish i were doing with my life. and they let me think it....they added to it and questioned parts of it. and it all comes back to advocacy.... so they went away that evening, and i went to my room and prayed away a spirit of distraction in my life, which had lead me originally to the absurd european cultures idea...so that was gone, in a flash. then that evening, i wrote The List. I will write The List on here one day when i have a bit more time, but for me it was, over a bottle of pinot grigio and a couple of rollies, the greatest release of truthful ideas about me that i can remember letting happen. it was ace...the things i want to do, see and become, the things i know i am called to and the ways i want most to be effective and loving. i recommend personal, insightful list-writing. that very same night, when The List was done, I found out about The Job
which is now mine, after praying, fasting, applying, interviewing and more praying, its mine. I, as of july 24th will work at moutard arbre and boy am i nervous, but also thrilled to have such a brilliant opportunity to learn, and to use the skills that i know i have, but have never got to use before in work cos of having shite jobs since i left university....
thanks jesus, you know i'm gonna need you for this one, right....?
thanks jesus, you know i'm gonna need you for this one, right....?
also i have been listening long and often to the -human- album by nitin sawhney, which i bought as soon as i heard it was out, a couple of years ago, and for some bizarre reason have never actually got round to listening to it. cate played it on her puter at sal's the other week, and i kept finding myself tuning out of conversations, listening intently to this music coming out to the garden from the lounge....after a while i gave up attempts at concentration on other things and went and sat me down right by the stereo, leaving everyone outside and happy just to listen to such beautiful songs.
i realise it is far from new, but to my own ears, it is the best new thing they have heard for a very long time.
i realise it is far from new, but to my own ears, it is the best new thing they have heard for a very long time.
another Thing is that i have been working at the salford foyer...whic means a supported housing project for young people...which means kids that are all young and have either been homeless or in care or just thrown out of home.....when i am there, i feel the most southern, the most posh, the most schooled and the most irrelevant and sometimes ignorant i have ever felt in one combination of a seven-and-a-half hour day. this combination is unnervingly and constantly good for me. the timing of this job is one of the most crazy signs of god's miraculous provision, and also, again, a huge indication that he doesn't ever just want us to work soley to make money but also to strech us, show up our weaknesses, make friends with people...learn lots of things...he sure thinks of everything!
jueves, junio 01, 2006
book house rules..
so i went to buxton with sal on saturday..indeed, i hear you cry -hurrah!- the return of the super sal saturday, no need for incriminating surnames or entirely transparent child-proof code...
the saturday returned...
having stayed up til four with da costa and the exiting hair-twists, i was weary..we made it over in time for may to do the hair, i consulted with may about the colours and all looked to be well...i set off on my own small tour of the town i have now been to twice....i remembered where everything was, i know, very unlike me, and generally mooched around....i had that lovely sensation of....being out in the really rather cold, knowing that any minute now, i shall be indoors, with coffee and cake..and hopefully a cigarette..and definitely a book....little did i know the further delights that awaited me....
i went first to catherine and pete's, and was half-sad, half-happy to find they were out...
mooching on round the hill further i found a place named scrivener''s bookshop. and oh the joy and wonder....rivalled in recent times only by the green necklace of same.
all books are second hand (i heard a lady ask the old man, mr scrivener, one assumes, -do you only sell second hand books?- -if we can help it, yes- he replied, not knowing if she could really see the tiny corner-mouth smile that gave away the humour underneath the solemnity). when i later handed over my henry james book for paying he asked if i would be reading it aloud in an american accent, as he imagined that would help......i liked the old man so much that i was a bit flustered and murmered something about that not helping and left.....in between the arriving and the buying though, i went to the first floor.....
it was named the fiction and children's floor....so i pottered...i also spied coffee cups on tables...and something like cake under a cake-covering thing..and a girl who looked so far through her book that she must surely have worked there...turns out she did, and after laughing at my gasping at her good fortune to work in such a place, she made me coffee and got me some cake and all for one-pounds-fifty-pence....i thought perhaps the day could get no better...it did..she left...and then i had the whole higgledy-piggledy room, books falling everywhere, all book-smelling and old..to my big fat self and i got the sofa and then i was in an alcove, surrounded on three sides by books, and eating my cake and reading henry james...
done, settled
and then the next thing, my head was aware of familiar things around me, colours of book spines and words jumping out at me...i looked harder and found that the three sides of books around me in my alcove were no ordinary three sides of books, but three sides of books all written by enid blyton.......well, you can imagine! -up the faraway tree- was in my hand in a flash and then it was like 1989 and i was as happy as the 1989 version of myself....or maybe more.
so there you have it. my book cost me two pounds, the hour on the sofa one pound fifty for cofee and cake. you can get to buxton with sal anytime she's due a haircut....just tell her her hair looks a mess and convince her she should go back to see may, but only ever on a tuesday or saturday ten while four because that's when the girl is there with the cake and coffee....k?
brill....
anyway it was a right special treat of a time in the book shop....and lunch was lovely with sal and her new hair..and the drive back with stoney on the i-pod in the car going over the hills was lovelier still.....
saturdays.......good thinking god...
the saturday returned...
having stayed up til four with da costa and the exiting hair-twists, i was weary..we made it over in time for may to do the hair, i consulted with may about the colours and all looked to be well...i set off on my own small tour of the town i have now been to twice....i remembered where everything was, i know, very unlike me, and generally mooched around....i had that lovely sensation of....being out in the really rather cold, knowing that any minute now, i shall be indoors, with coffee and cake..and hopefully a cigarette..and definitely a book....little did i know the further delights that awaited me....
i went first to catherine and pete's, and was half-sad, half-happy to find they were out...
mooching on round the hill further i found a place named scrivener''s bookshop. and oh the joy and wonder....rivalled in recent times only by the green necklace of same.
all books are second hand (i heard a lady ask the old man, mr scrivener, one assumes, -do you only sell second hand books?- -if we can help it, yes- he replied, not knowing if she could really see the tiny corner-mouth smile that gave away the humour underneath the solemnity). when i later handed over my henry james book for paying he asked if i would be reading it aloud in an american accent, as he imagined that would help......i liked the old man so much that i was a bit flustered and murmered something about that not helping and left.....in between the arriving and the buying though, i went to the first floor.....
it was named the fiction and children's floor....so i pottered...i also spied coffee cups on tables...and something like cake under a cake-covering thing..and a girl who looked so far through her book that she must surely have worked there...turns out she did, and after laughing at my gasping at her good fortune to work in such a place, she made me coffee and got me some cake and all for one-pounds-fifty-pence....i thought perhaps the day could get no better...it did..she left...and then i had the whole higgledy-piggledy room, books falling everywhere, all book-smelling and old..to my big fat self and i got the sofa and then i was in an alcove, surrounded on three sides by books, and eating my cake and reading henry james...
done, settled
and then the next thing, my head was aware of familiar things around me, colours of book spines and words jumping out at me...i looked harder and found that the three sides of books around me in my alcove were no ordinary three sides of books, but three sides of books all written by enid blyton.......well, you can imagine! -up the faraway tree- was in my hand in a flash and then it was like 1989 and i was as happy as the 1989 version of myself....or maybe more.
so there you have it. my book cost me two pounds, the hour on the sofa one pound fifty for cofee and cake. you can get to buxton with sal anytime she's due a haircut....just tell her her hair looks a mess and convince her she should go back to see may, but only ever on a tuesday or saturday ten while four because that's when the girl is there with the cake and coffee....k?
brill....
anyway it was a right special treat of a time in the book shop....and lunch was lovely with sal and her new hair..and the drive back with stoney on the i-pod in the car going over the hills was lovelier still.....
saturdays.......good thinking god...
miércoles, mayo 31, 2006
joy..
dawson wrote the book i am reading today..
it is named -forever ruined for the ordinary-
i feel like i should have read it years ago
today, however is a new day, and required a new book.
more shall be explained of the day and its newness, when it is over..ie, tomorrow..for now, rejoice in the newness of the day...for it is almost june....and birthdays shall then abound......
hurrah
hope you are well
loveanna x x x x x xx x
it is named -forever ruined for the ordinary-
i feel like i should have read it years ago
today, however is a new day, and required a new book.
more shall be explained of the day and its newness, when it is over..ie, tomorrow..for now, rejoice in the newness of the day...for it is almost june....and birthdays shall then abound......
hurrah
hope you are well
loveanna x x x x x xx x
jueves, mayo 25, 2006
the smell of spain..
is something like a (bear with me..) mixture of.....
cleaning fluids
really strong cigarettes
cigar smoke
coffee
garlic
fish
put that all together, and you get the smell of spain
i miss it.
we did top five places last night, and i find my eyes wandering today...praza obradoiro....my balconia...celine's room on a rainy day...milk in bags...the naked beach...the red moon...long bus journeys...the tree-house (i can't spell arboritorium....i know, i know that's not the word..what is the word...?) in barcelona...tibidabo....jaume I...calle de los semoleres....the goat on the ladder...all just memories...but save for the goat, and celine, i could see them all if i went back...i could be in them and they could entertain and inspire me....
i think that manchester has been reduced to being entertaining and inspiring only via the people i see in it..and love in it...(again...)
i didn't want this....i wanted to see it behind the people i love here and love it for what it would still be if they weren't here...is that dumb? naive maybe? needless?
it can't be needless, otherwise i'd never -no-one would ever- go anywhere new, unless they were running away....
naive...maybe.....it might not be possible to love a place without it being largely because of its people...not for a friend-need-ful creature like me anyway....
so i'd very much like to love the place itself more for just being itself....i was getting there, i think..a while back.....but without work, its harder to love..not because of money, but because you are disconnected from it, its routines and its pursuits...
i'm not talking about not loving people here anymore! i'm just sayin, you know....how to love manchester? when its so busy not being spain...? people i met while working on peaceweek stuff.....they are sold, sold on manchester...their kids have been shot, cousins killed, but they're not going anywhere....they refuse to give up on the place....they love it like its part of them....and they work their asses off to see it healed and calmed and matured....
there's no way i can dream of doing the course if i can't get that kind of hope for a city...
ready now lord,. come on, hope me up....
cleaning fluids
really strong cigarettes
cigar smoke
coffee
garlic
fish
put that all together, and you get the smell of spain
i miss it.
we did top five places last night, and i find my eyes wandering today...praza obradoiro....my balconia...celine's room on a rainy day...milk in bags...the naked beach...the red moon...long bus journeys...the tree-house (i can't spell arboritorium....i know, i know that's not the word..what is the word...?) in barcelona...tibidabo....jaume I...calle de los semoleres....the goat on the ladder...all just memories...but save for the goat, and celine, i could see them all if i went back...i could be in them and they could entertain and inspire me....
i think that manchester has been reduced to being entertaining and inspiring only via the people i see in it..and love in it...(again...)
i didn't want this....i wanted to see it behind the people i love here and love it for what it would still be if they weren't here...is that dumb? naive maybe? needless?
it can't be needless, otherwise i'd never -no-one would ever- go anywhere new, unless they were running away....
naive...maybe.....it might not be possible to love a place without it being largely because of its people...not for a friend-need-ful creature like me anyway....
so i'd very much like to love the place itself more for just being itself....i was getting there, i think..a while back.....but without work, its harder to love..not because of money, but because you are disconnected from it, its routines and its pursuits...
i'm not talking about not loving people here anymore! i'm just sayin, you know....how to love manchester? when its so busy not being spain...? people i met while working on peaceweek stuff.....they are sold, sold on manchester...their kids have been shot, cousins killed, but they're not going anywhere....they refuse to give up on the place....they love it like its part of them....and they work their asses off to see it healed and calmed and matured....
there's no way i can dream of doing the course if i can't get that kind of hope for a city...
ready now lord,. come on, hope me up....
martes, mayo 23, 2006
subterfuge..i think..
subterfuge is a new word which i just learned from fran.
she's so smart
it means secrecy...or something like being stealthy....so i like it....not that secrecy is particularly great...but stealth..is a grand word..
so anyway...in the words of the gils -a good weekend all round for gloucester and munster, ding dong!-
never a truer word...
indeed, for munster won the heineken cup, and the o'brien boys were all in cardiff to see it, without poor lucy who gave up her chance to go in favour of her nephews..
what a gem...a tiny tiny gem...
i went to doncaster on saturday, which was,.....east...
and then on sunday i went to sally's.....the parsnips were the highlight, for me anyway..although the ballot over which pudding was nailbiting, another highlight...and on the way walking home i realised that sympathy for the devil, on my headphones, could in fact walk me about two-thirds of the way home, its such a comically long song....well done there..
last night (this is where the post actually gets vaguely interesting...promise...)
i went to see jason mraz.....
i'll level with you...he's hot....and funny, and can sing and wear pink and is generally of the lovliness.....his band were brill too, the big djembe guy was back and i've never seen an acoustic bass before, but apparently that's what it was......that was good...he didn't even sing my two favourite songs of his, but the whole darn thing was still wonderous....big hands after with cate and the lovely mattie....joyous days of lounging around with those two are looming...
ooooh the other highlight of the last few days, i watched eight mile....with boys who are faaaaaaaaar to easily influenced and thereafter attempted to have a -battle- of their own in the lounge.....fran and i opted out.....not only of the battle, but the lounge...the house...the neighbourhood.....oh the shame.....
ok i should stop now.....this is still dull.....i just missed blogging though, its been a whole week...sorry....love you
she's so smart
it means secrecy...or something like being stealthy....so i like it....not that secrecy is particularly great...but stealth..is a grand word..
so anyway...in the words of the gils -a good weekend all round for gloucester and munster, ding dong!-
never a truer word...
indeed, for munster won the heineken cup, and the o'brien boys were all in cardiff to see it, without poor lucy who gave up her chance to go in favour of her nephews..
what a gem...a tiny tiny gem...
i went to doncaster on saturday, which was,.....east...
and then on sunday i went to sally's.....the parsnips were the highlight, for me anyway..although the ballot over which pudding was nailbiting, another highlight...and on the way walking home i realised that sympathy for the devil, on my headphones, could in fact walk me about two-thirds of the way home, its such a comically long song....well done there..
last night (this is where the post actually gets vaguely interesting...promise...)
i went to see jason mraz.....
i'll level with you...he's hot....and funny, and can sing and wear pink and is generally of the lovliness.....his band were brill too, the big djembe guy was back and i've never seen an acoustic bass before, but apparently that's what it was......that was good...he didn't even sing my two favourite songs of his, but the whole darn thing was still wonderous....big hands after with cate and the lovely mattie....joyous days of lounging around with those two are looming...
ooooh the other highlight of the last few days, i watched eight mile....with boys who are faaaaaaaaar to easily influenced and thereafter attempted to have a -battle- of their own in the lounge.....fran and i opted out.....not only of the battle, but the lounge...the house...the neighbourhood.....oh the shame.....
ok i should stop now.....this is still dull.....i just missed blogging though, its been a whole week...sorry....love you
miércoles, mayo 17, 2006
hurrrrumph...
am awake. its two in the stupid morning, and i had a gin too many this evening on an empty stomach, then a pint...went to bed thinking -huh, am slightly squiffy, still had no supper, be snorin in no time-
humph.
hangover hit early due to said lack of food.
ah, age...what a wonderfully debilitating(sp?) thing...
well none of you needed to know any of this, but hey, i haven''t been to sleep yet, which means its technically still tuesday, which technically means.....
three posts in one day...!
who'd have thought the old girl had it in her...?
liz and tim -and probably sal- i now consider myself to have joined the three-in-ones....
still humph though
humph.
hangover hit early due to said lack of food.
ah, age...what a wonderfully debilitating(sp?) thing...
well none of you needed to know any of this, but hey, i haven''t been to sleep yet, which means its technically still tuesday, which technically means.....
three posts in one day...!
who'd have thought the old girl had it in her...?
liz and tim -and probably sal- i now consider myself to have joined the three-in-ones....
still humph though
martes, mayo 16, 2006
a murder of one..
crap i forgot..
i have, while home, initiated myself into the canny and all-new world of scrubs...
no, not the wearing of them, the watching of the show
at the behest of nick, iain, and others, i have given in, laughed along, and admitted it is brilliant
this lunchtime's episode just timed itself out with -a murder of one- from august and everything after by the crows...
what a show
ps sal loves zack braff the most...
pps..that aside, the song of my shire holiday so far has been and right now is -banquet- by bloc party..
pps..ok i know i'm pushing it now...but the other song, that i have been mostly listening to, is -she's so high- by blur..from leisure..it is such a good song, and in fact, so good that i described it as -fit- to fiona and she agreed. we love it...get it, you ituners...go on...its -fit-
i have, while home, initiated myself into the canny and all-new world of scrubs...
no, not the wearing of them, the watching of the show
at the behest of nick, iain, and others, i have given in, laughed along, and admitted it is brilliant
this lunchtime's episode just timed itself out with -a murder of one- from august and everything after by the crows...
what a show
ps sal loves zack braff the most...
pps..that aside, the song of my shire holiday so far has been and right now is -banquet- by bloc party..
pps..ok i know i'm pushing it now...but the other song, that i have been mostly listening to, is -she's so high- by blur..from leisure..it is such a good song, and in fact, so good that i described it as -fit- to fiona and she agreed. we love it...get it, you ituners...go on...its -fit-
ruby tuesday..
so since last writing, i have..
{in fact, before i start, may i say that i have just re-read this post through before posting..and concluded that i sound drunk...i would like to assure you i am not...apologies..}
attended and behaved at the family "do" for uncle mike's sixtieth..
managed to avoid (til five minutes ago) my mum finding out that i smoke again sometimes....pesky filters, they get everywhere...
read two blogs that have been showing off about seeing dave matthews (each live and direct at a different location)
found a few more jobs
ooh went out and danced the night away with rob and amy, and their friend hot rod, who was delightful and danced rather like vic reeves, who it turns out i may have always secretly fancied...
oooh! good one: pink has a song out called who knew......
watched an episode of due south
watched an episode of quantum leap
(those damn extra itv channels clearly getting the better of this tv-deprived girl...)
ok bored of the list now....
am enjoying my time away from manchester, but missing it slightly, mainly missing my bed...and lunch club...
but joy!: tomorrow i head for london, and there shall i stay while thursday morning, when i shall head north along with miss mcwatson of the loveliness
and there, on thursday evening,we shall attend the osbourne....any and all takers are most welcome...
having left my staighteners behind, my hair is quite a sight, i can tell you...its about to suffocate me....i am off to calm it...
hasta luego tios, cuidados, y nos vemos pronto..bueno, vale......adios x x x
{in fact, before i start, may i say that i have just re-read this post through before posting..and concluded that i sound drunk...i would like to assure you i am not...apologies..}
attended and behaved at the family "do" for uncle mike's sixtieth..
managed to avoid (til five minutes ago) my mum finding out that i smoke again sometimes....pesky filters, they get everywhere...
read two blogs that have been showing off about seeing dave matthews (each live and direct at a different location)
found a few more jobs
ooh went out and danced the night away with rob and amy, and their friend hot rod, who was delightful and danced rather like vic reeves, who it turns out i may have always secretly fancied...
oooh! good one: pink has a song out called who knew......
watched an episode of due south
watched an episode of quantum leap
(those damn extra itv channels clearly getting the better of this tv-deprived girl...)
ok bored of the list now....
am enjoying my time away from manchester, but missing it slightly, mainly missing my bed...and lunch club...
but joy!: tomorrow i head for london, and there shall i stay while thursday morning, when i shall head north along with miss mcwatson of the loveliness
and there, on thursday evening,we shall attend the osbourne....any and all takers are most welcome...
having left my staighteners behind, my hair is quite a sight, i can tell you...its about to suffocate me....i am off to calm it...
hasta luego tios, cuidados, y nos vemos pronto..bueno, vale......adios x x x
sábado, mayo 13, 2006
there really isn't...
i got back here to the shire earlier...and i am now blogging, simply to say, that i am excited that when i wake in the morning, i can know that when i come downstairs in pyjamas, for tea and toast, i will go out the back door, i will turn around and there i will see my pink house...i will take a picture of its pinkness for you and attempt to put the picture on here...i've never done that before...but, see, i got home in the dark, as i usually do on trips home...and so the pink is lost..til the sun comes up....no-one else i know lives in a pink house...
i win
i win
miércoles, mayo 10, 2006
no place like home..?
last night, girl prayer..
i enjoyed it, a lot.....i love singing with the girls, god came along..there was a lot of love..
post girl prayer, still sitting, still kind of praying....i found myself in a room with the ever-lovely nicole, lady da costa, catelin and emma cowan....
i looked at those last three, those wanderers returned, and marvelled slightly...
and they talked about feeling at home without a home, and i thought about what an amazing idea it is to be found, fully, in jesus, to make your home in him.....they none of them are of a fixed abode right now, and having been there, like most of us have, they talked, we all smiled and nodded, its all kind of familiar...but every time it happens to us, that we aren't very well tethered, we get to choose to burrow into god again and find rest and homelyness and a settled place....and then i realised that we do that settledness for eachother too, that we are part of what is home to eachother...this is all a bit gushy and sounds kind of trite, but its when you realise the truth in these cliched things that you lose a bit more cynicism, i think...so there it is....those three women, travelled the length and width of the world between them in the last year, and now are back with us, and i'm so glad.....welcome home my loves..
i enjoyed it, a lot.....i love singing with the girls, god came along..there was a lot of love..
post girl prayer, still sitting, still kind of praying....i found myself in a room with the ever-lovely nicole, lady da costa, catelin and emma cowan....
i looked at those last three, those wanderers returned, and marvelled slightly...
and they talked about feeling at home without a home, and i thought about what an amazing idea it is to be found, fully, in jesus, to make your home in him.....they none of them are of a fixed abode right now, and having been there, like most of us have, they talked, we all smiled and nodded, its all kind of familiar...but every time it happens to us, that we aren't very well tethered, we get to choose to burrow into god again and find rest and homelyness and a settled place....and then i realised that we do that settledness for eachother too, that we are part of what is home to eachother...this is all a bit gushy and sounds kind of trite, but its when you realise the truth in these cliched things that you lose a bit more cynicism, i think...so there it is....those three women, travelled the length and width of the world between them in the last year, and now are back with us, and i'm so glad.....welcome home my loves..
martes, mayo 02, 2006
on being loved..
in cahoots at the kitchen table with da costa the other day, i realised that i have never really had a time of not knowing i am loved. this is perhaps a strange thing to try and talk about, but you know, i'd kind of like to try,....
we were in one of those days of talking and listening where certain things end up with you getting to the bottom of them, and going huh...who knew.....for me it was the age-old and ninety-five-percent dealt with problems of being unattractive, or my own perceptions of that....its not something i really think or worry about these days, as i mentioned before, its ninety-five percent gone....and i love being free of it....thanks jesus...anywho.....the deal was that i figured out that unlike a lot of people who feel worried or sad that they might never 'meet someone', they fear that they are wholly unloveable, or just unworthy of love...yadda ya....not me, i know i'm loved.....my dad is my greatest fan, he loves and helps me be loved, he compliments without reserve and is the only person i know who makes sure he gets enough hugs in a day, from whoever is nearest. he's always been him, since i was me.....and partly because of him, i don't doubt that i am loved.....my sister too, loves me in her laugh, and in her calling me nana, and in her telling me off...my brother calls me darlin only when he is drunk, and still picks me up sometimes, just because he can....and because i hate it....he lets me ask him questions about him and who he wants to be...i don't think he lets anyone else,....his hugs are magnificent, like being hugged by treebeard himself, only not.....see, even in those first two years of high school, when no-one knows who their friends are, no-one likes themself very much, and certainly feeling loved by friends isn't all that common...i still had these people there all the time....when real and good friends did come along, it was kind of a bonus....and now my real and good friends are as much family to me as those in the shire.........
the five percent that remains is about boys, and me...me and boys....as a few of you know, i've been thinking about guys more in the last six months than never, really...and not in a oh god just let me be married.....way. i hope.....but in a...huh, being in love...interesting....kind of a way...its god's five percent to deal with, but he seems pretty sure that it won't go until the single status is changed....but he's readying me for it to be changed...its hard to feel this stuff without feeling the dread of the five percent.....the dread of being told no, the dread of being laughed at.....the dread of being picked last...of it, in the end, just being true that you really are unattractive.....but do you know, i'm having this thing with god right now where the last few weeks, during which my heart has felt rather full and sometimes horribly heavy, there is a balancing thing happening, where i'm checking in with god every day, and can honestly say, 'te quiero mas hoy que ayer....which kind of means i love you more today than yesterday.....so really, even if all comes crashing down and i get wounded or as the kid in love actually says, i get the shit kicked of me by love, my heart will have grown, and grown towards god.....
in oswald today, he was right for the first time in months, in saying....our reach must always exceed our grasp.....ie, ask for more of god than you already have....it sounds kind of elementary, but its actually a huge push for me, because i want that to keep on being true, i want to keep being able to say te quiero mas hoy que ayer....
this is, as anticipated, a very strange post....i'm not sorry..i think i've become less honest on here so far this year, and for that i'm sorry....this jumble doesn't exactly make up for it, but here it is...
we were in one of those days of talking and listening where certain things end up with you getting to the bottom of them, and going huh...who knew.....for me it was the age-old and ninety-five-percent dealt with problems of being unattractive, or my own perceptions of that....its not something i really think or worry about these days, as i mentioned before, its ninety-five percent gone....and i love being free of it....thanks jesus...anywho.....the deal was that i figured out that unlike a lot of people who feel worried or sad that they might never 'meet someone', they fear that they are wholly unloveable, or just unworthy of love...yadda ya....not me, i know i'm loved.....my dad is my greatest fan, he loves and helps me be loved, he compliments without reserve and is the only person i know who makes sure he gets enough hugs in a day, from whoever is nearest. he's always been him, since i was me.....and partly because of him, i don't doubt that i am loved.....my sister too, loves me in her laugh, and in her calling me nana, and in her telling me off...my brother calls me darlin only when he is drunk, and still picks me up sometimes, just because he can....and because i hate it....he lets me ask him questions about him and who he wants to be...i don't think he lets anyone else,....his hugs are magnificent, like being hugged by treebeard himself, only not.....see, even in those first two years of high school, when no-one knows who their friends are, no-one likes themself very much, and certainly feeling loved by friends isn't all that common...i still had these people there all the time....when real and good friends did come along, it was kind of a bonus....and now my real and good friends are as much family to me as those in the shire.........
the five percent that remains is about boys, and me...me and boys....as a few of you know, i've been thinking about guys more in the last six months than never, really...and not in a oh god just let me be married.....way. i hope.....but in a...huh, being in love...interesting....kind of a way...its god's five percent to deal with, but he seems pretty sure that it won't go until the single status is changed....but he's readying me for it to be changed...its hard to feel this stuff without feeling the dread of the five percent.....the dread of being told no, the dread of being laughed at.....the dread of being picked last...of it, in the end, just being true that you really are unattractive.....but do you know, i'm having this thing with god right now where the last few weeks, during which my heart has felt rather full and sometimes horribly heavy, there is a balancing thing happening, where i'm checking in with god every day, and can honestly say, 'te quiero mas hoy que ayer....which kind of means i love you more today than yesterday.....so really, even if all comes crashing down and i get wounded or as the kid in love actually says, i get the shit kicked of me by love, my heart will have grown, and grown towards god.....
in oswald today, he was right for the first time in months, in saying....our reach must always exceed our grasp.....ie, ask for more of god than you already have....it sounds kind of elementary, but its actually a huge push for me, because i want that to keep on being true, i want to keep being able to say te quiero mas hoy que ayer....
this is, as anticipated, a very strange post....i'm not sorry..i think i've become less honest on here so far this year, and for that i'm sorry....this jumble doesn't exactly make up for it, but here it is...
miércoles, abril 26, 2006
on getting a tan in april..
i am you know..
it just won't stop...yesterday afternoon, heald place...vodka and orange on the doorstep, inhabitants of my house up to high jinx and laughing in the sun....not working sucks...but it has its merits...!
its kind of a needless post, i know...its just been so long since i blogged three days in a row....!
sorry............
it just won't stop...yesterday afternoon, heald place...vodka and orange on the doorstep, inhabitants of my house up to high jinx and laughing in the sun....not working sucks...but it has its merits...!
its kind of a needless post, i know...its just been so long since i blogged three days in a row....!
sorry............
martes, abril 25, 2006
dream jobs: the timeline...
ok here follows some home truths about me that even john peel himself may have blushed over...you've guessed it, the definitive list of life-time ambitions, fleeting or fanciful, ridiculous or retarded.....none of them has, as yet, come to pass....but have i really tried? that is, for now, neither here nor there.....
what i am curious about, after a slight epiphany in the job centre this morning, is whether there are any themes emergent from this list, and whether from them i can glean any tiny insights as to what i perhaps ought to be pursuing. ok, here we go..
1985: librarian (seriously..)
1991: un peacekeeping person (this came to an end during latter high school, upon my realising i would have to basically be in the army)
1993: childrens' book writer
: news reader/reporter
1994: lawyer for people on death row (you may want to note the prevalence of john grisham in my reading habits of the day)
1995: teacher of english in spain
(from this point, my obsession with spanish and all things spain takes over to such a degree that all the following, until otherwise stated, are jobs that would, in the mind's eye, be located there..)
1997: music journalist
1998: eu translator
1999: youth worker
: coffee- and book-shop owner
: aid worker
2000: some kind of praying person
2001: coffee- and book-shop owner
: backing singer (for whom? who could say...)
: writer for human rights watch
2002: make-up artist, hairdresser, nail technician
2003: journalist/war-reporter/author/writer of any kind (god used his powers of veto on this one 'unitl i could be trusted with it'.....i think i may still just be holding out for this one to be honest....)
: careers advisor
2004: tefl teacher in spain
(from this point, location is no longer the be all and end all...)
2005: counsellor (post conflict preferably, or with people with eating disorders...or with people who work in financial institutions ie city of london)
: secondary english teacher
2006: human rights lawyer
: community advocate
: (today) travel writer, story-teller....
what i am curious about, after a slight epiphany in the job centre this morning, is whether there are any themes emergent from this list, and whether from them i can glean any tiny insights as to what i perhaps ought to be pursuing. ok, here we go..
1985: librarian (seriously..)
1991: un peacekeeping person (this came to an end during latter high school, upon my realising i would have to basically be in the army)
1993: childrens' book writer
: news reader/reporter
1994: lawyer for people on death row (you may want to note the prevalence of john grisham in my reading habits of the day)
1995: teacher of english in spain
(from this point, my obsession with spanish and all things spain takes over to such a degree that all the following, until otherwise stated, are jobs that would, in the mind's eye, be located there..)
1997: music journalist
1998: eu translator
1999: youth worker
: coffee- and book-shop owner
: aid worker
2000: some kind of praying person
2001: coffee- and book-shop owner
: backing singer (for whom? who could say...)
: writer for human rights watch
2002: make-up artist, hairdresser, nail technician
2003: journalist/war-reporter/author/writer of any kind (god used his powers of veto on this one 'unitl i could be trusted with it'.....i think i may still just be holding out for this one to be honest....)
: careers advisor
2004: tefl teacher in spain
(from this point, location is no longer the be all and end all...)
2005: counsellor (post conflict preferably, or with people with eating disorders...or with people who work in financial institutions ie city of london)
: secondary english teacher
2006: human rights lawyer
: community advocate
: (today) travel writer, story-teller....
lunes, abril 24, 2006
you'd better put the kettle on...
if you have the time, i've got the story to tell...
go and get your coffee...
ireland is almost invariably good to me, but the north.....i've only been here once before, but i'm fairly sure i could stay...i won't, (yet) but i could....here in the quiet of county tyrone, its kind of like yorkshire moors meets riverful tipperary, and it seems like it's glad i'm here.
we three (barlow, drage and na) arrived on a cold saturday morning, my prayers for sunshine still ringing round my ears...we were met by a giddy emma, who had that look about her of one who has spent a week or two at home: good food, comfy bed, many walks, some hard work pruning. the four of us tramped around belfast for a couple of hours in the tank (not literally a tank, clearly...that would be contraversial....), getting a right luxury tour of the old town. emma has clearly being doing her research lately, and looked surprisingly at home even in her four-by-four....for me, it was all new....the falls, the shankhill, the muralled gables and the painted kerbstones had been mainly myth and legend in my head. my one trip to the north in 1995 had involved a route that bypassed the city (it had however passed almost alongside the cowan family farm as it would happen), and the tyrone towns on that road had shown me the fierceness of flags...but the city itself is something rather diffferent. not myth, the signs of nations and banners and histories, the faces of victims and prisoners and martyrs painted on walls, the slogans and promises of small armies of boys and young men....these are real and rather rife in the cities suburbs. you feel like they're glaring at you saying - do you really expect i'll ever be pulled down? - you can't argue easily with a flag. by the end of our tour i felt like my lungs were being wringed out by some very strong hands. i hadn't cried but i had instead felt just that - like my insides were churning or being kneaded. i didn't want to leave though - it had a strange pull on me that i knew meant until i had got out of the tank and walked around i wouldn't feel everything that there is for me to feel for the place. the walk is for another time.
so we took coffee and raisin bread at common grounds, possibly the most delightful coffee house i have seen for a while - take note rikes, you should come check it out...
then we proceeded to the farm. i'm not sure i know how to describe how homely someone else's house is, but when shown to my room, i felt i could stay a week and not miss anything or want to be anywhere else. emma had left a careful selection of books on my bedside table, and the accuracy of her understanding of my literary requirements was uncanny. seamus heaney awaited me there - the death of a naturalist - which i haven't read since i was about seventeen. he will resurface later in my story. alongside it was silver linings, by martin fletcher, which any of you wishing to know more about this place and why it has been so contested over should probably froogle for. (isbn 0-349-11251-7)
we ate lunch and enjoyed jimmy and rosemary's observation of us, his historical insights and her loving the chat from around the table. we sat around that table for what felt like the whole afternoon, so when we four came to depart for the boat, i felt sure it was nearly evening. emma then told us she had sneakily prayed that the minutes we were all together here would feel like hours...and lo, it was only about half-three....
the drive west across almost as far as enniskillin was for me a bit of a musical journey, through towns and across rivers, whose lovers and legends i had only heard sung about. (mostly by my dad, who i quietly wished was there for that particular leg of the trip). i read with wonder the book of irish history emma had provided for just such a road, and finger-traced our progress across the width of ulster on its map, wondering if one half from the south and half from over the water could ever really know what it means to love this place.
our expectations of 'the barge' came crashing down when we discovered that the cowan family boat was in fact a 'luxury yacht' (so named by the girls who have little concept of boats and less concept of luxury..!) it is moored on the banks of a river heading north from the upper lough erne, in county fermanagh, alongside about a dozen others, most of which are seemingly owned by friends of emma's parents or relations of the butcher from up the road, or so-and-so from james's classes' parents.
we set up house, and then get drunk. we laughed heartily, told some sad stories, some family stories, school stories...and a few about how good god is..tried to make emma say rude words (which, it appears, is probably more tricky than trying to get me to talk about poo....) we ate salmon when already drunk, we drank more wine than i knew we had brought, we smoked cigarettes enroached with rizla-packet-tear-offs, to the point that all that remained was a pile of papers with nowhere to go....we each left drunken messages for poor mr vino, whose impending marriage formed a large part of the evening's conversation...emma and i sang, badly, and not for long.....mostly we laughed. the boat was an instant home to us and we loved it.
when we woke, the hangovers didn't last long....the fruit salad and coffee saw them off for us....but then what do you suppose happened.....?
the sun, the sun came out, and there it stayed. the suntan i jokingly prayed for on the plane....? its here, its on me. i got it.....we sat out on deck, painted our toe-nails and drank more coffee, read our books, wrote our books, and in general were at ease. rosemary and jimmy arrived later, and off we went on a trip down the river to the lough and back again. we moved along the river having types of birds pointed out to us and then argued over like only parents can do.....we drank coke and ate crisps and kind of felt like kids i think. the cowan parents are, it seems, such innately parenty parents that if you are roughly their child's age, they'll adopt you for as long as they can see you. we moored again the other side of several miles of lake and a few islands.....we ate, slept, walked, and the time it just went on and on....it was half four when i thought it surely nearing eight.....madness.....on the way back, we all found our place on the boat. drago of the indoors was reading on the couch......snuggled and warm with a hundred layers over her. she had lamb and the chilli peppers on the laptop and was content, i think....claire and emma huddled like a pair of old washer-women, car blankets round them and sitting at the very front of the boat, headed towards the sun going down and being as close as friends are when they know that one is about to get married and they don't want to miss out on anything that might happen before then.....jimmy and rosemary steered the boat and loved eachother like kids i think..she smoking away, him with his tea and his life-jacket.....me i found a small seat in the corner right at the back......i got my hat and jacket so the wind didn't bother me.....the sunset on the river and through the trees on the islands around us was not even photographable...well, i just mean it was too good for photos....with a cigarette and a cup of tea in one hand, and the - death of a naturalist - in the other, i was as happy as i can remember being.....he is from this way, you see, seamus heaney, and it shows....when i studied this book for gcse english, i realised i could understand poetry by myself. i also realised i was glad to be irish, and didn't need to be proud just to be glad. i became friends with paul f over that book, and also learned to write poetry a bit because of it, i think. punctuation is very important to him. as are all aspects of nature, and ways in which man uses and enjoys nature are kind of themes. it turned out that that dog-earred copy in my lap had been used not only by emma and later her brother james while at school, but also by rosemary, in 1974...reading it was good right then because i saw that i was different from when i last read it...but also the same, i think.
i found one poem in it that i do not ever remember reading before.
rashly or not, i there and then named it my favourite of the book.
and here it is....
scaffolding
masons, when they start upon a building,
are careful to test out the scaffolding;
make sure that planks won't slip at busy points,
secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.
and yet all this comes down when job's done
showing off walls of sure and solid stone.
so if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
old bridges breaking between you and me
never fear. we may let the scaffolds fall
confident that we have built our wall.
i'd like to know how it feels to build love.
i haven't enjoyed writing for a long time as much as i have this morning.
i still have a few hours left, so i'm off to make soup for the girls for when they return from their walking tour of the county.
if you have got this far, thanks.
back home tonight. love you x
go and get your coffee...
ireland is almost invariably good to me, but the north.....i've only been here once before, but i'm fairly sure i could stay...i won't, (yet) but i could....here in the quiet of county tyrone, its kind of like yorkshire moors meets riverful tipperary, and it seems like it's glad i'm here.
we three (barlow, drage and na) arrived on a cold saturday morning, my prayers for sunshine still ringing round my ears...we were met by a giddy emma, who had that look about her of one who has spent a week or two at home: good food, comfy bed, many walks, some hard work pruning. the four of us tramped around belfast for a couple of hours in the tank (not literally a tank, clearly...that would be contraversial....), getting a right luxury tour of the old town. emma has clearly being doing her research lately, and looked surprisingly at home even in her four-by-four....for me, it was all new....the falls, the shankhill, the muralled gables and the painted kerbstones had been mainly myth and legend in my head. my one trip to the north in 1995 had involved a route that bypassed the city (it had however passed almost alongside the cowan family farm as it would happen), and the tyrone towns on that road had shown me the fierceness of flags...but the city itself is something rather diffferent. not myth, the signs of nations and banners and histories, the faces of victims and prisoners and martyrs painted on walls, the slogans and promises of small armies of boys and young men....these are real and rather rife in the cities suburbs. you feel like they're glaring at you saying - do you really expect i'll ever be pulled down? - you can't argue easily with a flag. by the end of our tour i felt like my lungs were being wringed out by some very strong hands. i hadn't cried but i had instead felt just that - like my insides were churning or being kneaded. i didn't want to leave though - it had a strange pull on me that i knew meant until i had got out of the tank and walked around i wouldn't feel everything that there is for me to feel for the place. the walk is for another time.
so we took coffee and raisin bread at common grounds, possibly the most delightful coffee house i have seen for a while - take note rikes, you should come check it out...
then we proceeded to the farm. i'm not sure i know how to describe how homely someone else's house is, but when shown to my room, i felt i could stay a week and not miss anything or want to be anywhere else. emma had left a careful selection of books on my bedside table, and the accuracy of her understanding of my literary requirements was uncanny. seamus heaney awaited me there - the death of a naturalist - which i haven't read since i was about seventeen. he will resurface later in my story. alongside it was silver linings, by martin fletcher, which any of you wishing to know more about this place and why it has been so contested over should probably froogle for. (isbn 0-349-11251-7)
we ate lunch and enjoyed jimmy and rosemary's observation of us, his historical insights and her loving the chat from around the table. we sat around that table for what felt like the whole afternoon, so when we four came to depart for the boat, i felt sure it was nearly evening. emma then told us she had sneakily prayed that the minutes we were all together here would feel like hours...and lo, it was only about half-three....
the drive west across almost as far as enniskillin was for me a bit of a musical journey, through towns and across rivers, whose lovers and legends i had only heard sung about. (mostly by my dad, who i quietly wished was there for that particular leg of the trip). i read with wonder the book of irish history emma had provided for just such a road, and finger-traced our progress across the width of ulster on its map, wondering if one half from the south and half from over the water could ever really know what it means to love this place.
our expectations of 'the barge' came crashing down when we discovered that the cowan family boat was in fact a 'luxury yacht' (so named by the girls who have little concept of boats and less concept of luxury..!) it is moored on the banks of a river heading north from the upper lough erne, in county fermanagh, alongside about a dozen others, most of which are seemingly owned by friends of emma's parents or relations of the butcher from up the road, or so-and-so from james's classes' parents.
we set up house, and then get drunk. we laughed heartily, told some sad stories, some family stories, school stories...and a few about how good god is..tried to make emma say rude words (which, it appears, is probably more tricky than trying to get me to talk about poo....) we ate salmon when already drunk, we drank more wine than i knew we had brought, we smoked cigarettes enroached with rizla-packet-tear-offs, to the point that all that remained was a pile of papers with nowhere to go....we each left drunken messages for poor mr vino, whose impending marriage formed a large part of the evening's conversation...emma and i sang, badly, and not for long.....mostly we laughed. the boat was an instant home to us and we loved it.
when we woke, the hangovers didn't last long....the fruit salad and coffee saw them off for us....but then what do you suppose happened.....?
the sun, the sun came out, and there it stayed. the suntan i jokingly prayed for on the plane....? its here, its on me. i got it.....we sat out on deck, painted our toe-nails and drank more coffee, read our books, wrote our books, and in general were at ease. rosemary and jimmy arrived later, and off we went on a trip down the river to the lough and back again. we moved along the river having types of birds pointed out to us and then argued over like only parents can do.....we drank coke and ate crisps and kind of felt like kids i think. the cowan parents are, it seems, such innately parenty parents that if you are roughly their child's age, they'll adopt you for as long as they can see you. we moored again the other side of several miles of lake and a few islands.....we ate, slept, walked, and the time it just went on and on....it was half four when i thought it surely nearing eight.....madness.....on the way back, we all found our place on the boat. drago of the indoors was reading on the couch......snuggled and warm with a hundred layers over her. she had lamb and the chilli peppers on the laptop and was content, i think....claire and emma huddled like a pair of old washer-women, car blankets round them and sitting at the very front of the boat, headed towards the sun going down and being as close as friends are when they know that one is about to get married and they don't want to miss out on anything that might happen before then.....jimmy and rosemary steered the boat and loved eachother like kids i think..she smoking away, him with his tea and his life-jacket.....me i found a small seat in the corner right at the back......i got my hat and jacket so the wind didn't bother me.....the sunset on the river and through the trees on the islands around us was not even photographable...well, i just mean it was too good for photos....with a cigarette and a cup of tea in one hand, and the - death of a naturalist - in the other, i was as happy as i can remember being.....he is from this way, you see, seamus heaney, and it shows....when i studied this book for gcse english, i realised i could understand poetry by myself. i also realised i was glad to be irish, and didn't need to be proud just to be glad. i became friends with paul f over that book, and also learned to write poetry a bit because of it, i think. punctuation is very important to him. as are all aspects of nature, and ways in which man uses and enjoys nature are kind of themes. it turned out that that dog-earred copy in my lap had been used not only by emma and later her brother james while at school, but also by rosemary, in 1974...reading it was good right then because i saw that i was different from when i last read it...but also the same, i think.
i found one poem in it that i do not ever remember reading before.
rashly or not, i there and then named it my favourite of the book.
and here it is....
scaffolding
masons, when they start upon a building,
are careful to test out the scaffolding;
make sure that planks won't slip at busy points,
secure all ladders, tighten bolted joints.
and yet all this comes down when job's done
showing off walls of sure and solid stone.
so if, my dear, there sometimes seem to be
old bridges breaking between you and me
never fear. we may let the scaffolds fall
confident that we have built our wall.
i'd like to know how it feels to build love.
i haven't enjoyed writing for a long time as much as i have this morning.
i still have a few hours left, so i'm off to make soup for the girls for when they return from their walking tour of the county.
if you have got this far, thanks.
back home tonight. love you x
jueves, abril 13, 2006
wednesday o' wonder
has replaced the super sal saturday..
yesterday she and i went into town and mooched around. it was surprisingly windy, so we wound up in cafe rouge eating delicious french onion soup.
i didn't make her cry either. we actually just laughed, alot alot, all day. and had ice creams with flakes. and i got new shoes with higher heels than any of you have, i'm sure, ever anticipated seeing me hobble around in. i feel like a real live girl when i wear them...i can't move, but i look hot...
we then watched narnia in the lounge camp with the projector...it is projected onto the white curtain these days, what with the invasion of the wallpaper and all...and i was quite distracted during most of the film, by wondering what it might look like from the outside of the house....does it go through? can you watch narnia, soundlessly and backwards from outside? who knows...i was also rather distracted by the wonderous homemade beefburger that i weas given for supper....
all in all, a lovely day..thanks sal
i got home quite late, and while i was pottering around putting out the trash wearing my new shoes for practice, my phone rang, and as i looked at the screen, i gasped to see the words...calling...caitlin...
and a joyous two hours ensued, of joy and laughing, story-telling and question-asking, grinning and sighing with the sheer relief of being known.....these are happy days indeed...
i still have no job, but its somehow ok...
my kitchen is white. whiter than white. ben helped., i wouldn't have finished it without his help i don't think....thanks ben...
resa and krister are in town for a few days, which is fun...if any of you are in the manchester area, do come to heald tomorrow evening, for hanging out with them and eating cake and hopefully drinking wine and laughing.....anytime in the evening, just bob over...
ok enough news and thank-yous...expect maybe one more, to fran..for the cookies just now...hot, just out of the oven.....as i said..happy days...
yesterday she and i went into town and mooched around. it was surprisingly windy, so we wound up in cafe rouge eating delicious french onion soup.
i didn't make her cry either. we actually just laughed, alot alot, all day. and had ice creams with flakes. and i got new shoes with higher heels than any of you have, i'm sure, ever anticipated seeing me hobble around in. i feel like a real live girl when i wear them...i can't move, but i look hot...
we then watched narnia in the lounge camp with the projector...it is projected onto the white curtain these days, what with the invasion of the wallpaper and all...and i was quite distracted during most of the film, by wondering what it might look like from the outside of the house....does it go through? can you watch narnia, soundlessly and backwards from outside? who knows...i was also rather distracted by the wonderous homemade beefburger that i weas given for supper....
all in all, a lovely day..thanks sal
i got home quite late, and while i was pottering around putting out the trash wearing my new shoes for practice, my phone rang, and as i looked at the screen, i gasped to see the words...calling...caitlin...
and a joyous two hours ensued, of joy and laughing, story-telling and question-asking, grinning and sighing with the sheer relief of being known.....these are happy days indeed...
i still have no job, but its somehow ok...
my kitchen is white. whiter than white. ben helped., i wouldn't have finished it without his help i don't think....thanks ben...
resa and krister are in town for a few days, which is fun...if any of you are in the manchester area, do come to heald tomorrow evening, for hanging out with them and eating cake and hopefully drinking wine and laughing.....anytime in the evening, just bob over...
ok enough news and thank-yous...expect maybe one more, to fran..for the cookies just now...hot, just out of the oven.....as i said..happy days...
martes, abril 04, 2006
in honour of our patron..
today is the birthday of the lovely dr angelou
she is now 78 years old
when i was eleven or twelve, and was a total geek, the school librarian, upon seeing my distress at having no further books left unread in the library, handed me a book named 'i know why the caged bird sings', by said lady
it was the first book i had ever read that made me feel sick, made me laugh, made me cry, made me lose sleep, made me not rest until i had it read, made me want to thank the person who had written it.
if you, dear readers, have come this far in your lives having read none of her books, please come round to my house and borrow one...i have all of them,. they are many. if you live in a foreign country, i will send you one of your very own, should you wish.
i am sorry again for such a lapse in posting..i wish i had been busy doing exciting things and had some thrilling tales to tell you all, alas..they would have to be made-up stories! i am well, unemployed, which is mildly scary, but have been having a lovely few days of no work, learning how to dream and hatch plans again, after the dream amnesty of 2005.
i am not going to be studying the law, god has moved me on from that particular idea..praise him
am learning lots and thinking lots about community advocacy, about the city, about neighbourhoods and the issues facing cities, especially this fine one of ours...
had been thinking through all those things for only about a week, maybe ten days, when i happened upon a course at manchester metropolitan university. it is named MA in European Urban Cultures. it is amazing and i kind of do this strange gasping thing when i read the pages about it. which i do often. its one of those things that you look at and then think, god, god, god, let me pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeee!!!
it is a rather sharp detour/diverion/something else, from what i have thought of doing before, until you really think about it....
imagine being an advocate for a city, and for cities in general. imagine being someone who in ten years' time can really have knowledge and heart wide and deep enough to be able to speak to those running the great cities of europe, maybe even talk to them about what it means to love the place. to really love it, to give to it, invest in it, and dream for it and with it...
i don't know guys, it doesn't make much sense to me either, and i'm nervous about even writing this much. it sounds dumb. but i'm enjoying the idea, and i'm reading lots...went to urbis today to look and think...felt like a field trip.....am sketching things in my head, rough outlines of what job it could be in the end.....and at the same time, thinking about what job am i going to do next week.......
it will probably all pass, in favour of yet another new idea, almost certainly....i don't want it to this time though.....it such a pretty idea in my head....and i'd get to live in helsinki for three months.....god god god plleeeeeeeeaaaaaseeeeeeeee
she is now 78 years old
when i was eleven or twelve, and was a total geek, the school librarian, upon seeing my distress at having no further books left unread in the library, handed me a book named 'i know why the caged bird sings', by said lady
it was the first book i had ever read that made me feel sick, made me laugh, made me cry, made me lose sleep, made me not rest until i had it read, made me want to thank the person who had written it.
if you, dear readers, have come this far in your lives having read none of her books, please come round to my house and borrow one...i have all of them,. they are many. if you live in a foreign country, i will send you one of your very own, should you wish.
i am sorry again for such a lapse in posting..i wish i had been busy doing exciting things and had some thrilling tales to tell you all, alas..they would have to be made-up stories! i am well, unemployed, which is mildly scary, but have been having a lovely few days of no work, learning how to dream and hatch plans again, after the dream amnesty of 2005.
i am not going to be studying the law, god has moved me on from that particular idea..praise him
am learning lots and thinking lots about community advocacy, about the city, about neighbourhoods and the issues facing cities, especially this fine one of ours...
had been thinking through all those things for only about a week, maybe ten days, when i happened upon a course at manchester metropolitan university. it is named MA in European Urban Cultures. it is amazing and i kind of do this strange gasping thing when i read the pages about it. which i do often. its one of those things that you look at and then think, god, god, god, let me pleeeeeeeeeeaaaaaassssseeee!!!
it is a rather sharp detour/diverion/something else, from what i have thought of doing before, until you really think about it....
imagine being an advocate for a city, and for cities in general. imagine being someone who in ten years' time can really have knowledge and heart wide and deep enough to be able to speak to those running the great cities of europe, maybe even talk to them about what it means to love the place. to really love it, to give to it, invest in it, and dream for it and with it...
i don't know guys, it doesn't make much sense to me either, and i'm nervous about even writing this much. it sounds dumb. but i'm enjoying the idea, and i'm reading lots...went to urbis today to look and think...felt like a field trip.....am sketching things in my head, rough outlines of what job it could be in the end.....and at the same time, thinking about what job am i going to do next week.......
it will probably all pass, in favour of yet another new idea, almost certainly....i don't want it to this time though.....it such a pretty idea in my head....and i'd get to live in helsinki for three months.....god god god plleeeeeeeeaaaaaseeeeeeeee
viernes, marzo 24, 2006
peace in my peaceweek
so i have enjoyed peaceweek so far
i went and did some meditation with a load of hilarious old west indian women at our lady's cathlic church in moss side. the hugged me and called me baby and practially ran me over when i was handing out the candles at the end..
i got very lost trying to find the prayer room in longsight, but it meant i walked around longsight for a long time, never finding the church but instead finding longsight, which i've never really done before.
the office is funny, its such a mess, peace fm is on all the time with some crazy guy either instructing people to never trust the police (helpful) or with annoucements for all kinds of wonderful projects and things happening in the area, or adverts each about ten minutes long, all fighting over being the best caribbean take away on the parkway....its funny, i like it. its so far outside of what i normally spend my time listening to, its really good.
so i am still struggling with the lawyer conundrum. you know those times when you have a decision to make, and people pray or whatever and they say oh i just feel like god says you can choose, that either way is good, you jsut decide and he'll give you the grace to do either thing..and you always go, oh no, that sucks, i'd rather he just told me outright what to do. thing is, i know now is one of the times when he will decide, but that's so much harder, because it means i have to be really listening. and i feel this huge pressure in me, that i am putting in myself, to have the best possible listening ears i have ever had, so that i can listen right and make good choices. and i don't, i haven't, i can't
but equally, its blantenly one of those times when he's not gonna tell anyone else.
dammit
sorry that was rambling.
so, my fast is done. forty days was up last night. i ate white chocolate mice. and this is why i am more confused, not the mice, but the fast, because i really prayed god would tell me what to do by the end of it....but then, some people seem to think it often all comes clear in the aftermath. either way i'm a bit scared i think that i might have somehow missed the boat. or maybe the point.....
with reference to the last post, i am still content. but what i have realised in the last couple of days, is that even while i am content, i am not at all satisfied. and (she says quietly) i'm not ever sure i want to be, but with it i just feel so frustrated and reading something in howie's last night about living the life you love.....it kinda made me cry in the bath. i want a job that i love. that's all. and a man, would be nice.
its the european dream
please don't misunderstand me dearest readers...i am not sad, or moaning (for once!)...am just frustrated at not feeling like i'm making progress finding my way. a helpful boy pointed out though that just loving jesus and saying thanks for a while with no questioning would probably be the best way to go.
so the peace parade is this evening. do come if you can.
drago dragonfly i love you
i went and did some meditation with a load of hilarious old west indian women at our lady's cathlic church in moss side. the hugged me and called me baby and practially ran me over when i was handing out the candles at the end..
i got very lost trying to find the prayer room in longsight, but it meant i walked around longsight for a long time, never finding the church but instead finding longsight, which i've never really done before.
the office is funny, its such a mess, peace fm is on all the time with some crazy guy either instructing people to never trust the police (helpful) or with annoucements for all kinds of wonderful projects and things happening in the area, or adverts each about ten minutes long, all fighting over being the best caribbean take away on the parkway....its funny, i like it. its so far outside of what i normally spend my time listening to, its really good.
so i am still struggling with the lawyer conundrum. you know those times when you have a decision to make, and people pray or whatever and they say oh i just feel like god says you can choose, that either way is good, you jsut decide and he'll give you the grace to do either thing..and you always go, oh no, that sucks, i'd rather he just told me outright what to do. thing is, i know now is one of the times when he will decide, but that's so much harder, because it means i have to be really listening. and i feel this huge pressure in me, that i am putting in myself, to have the best possible listening ears i have ever had, so that i can listen right and make good choices. and i don't, i haven't, i can't
but equally, its blantenly one of those times when he's not gonna tell anyone else.
dammit
sorry that was rambling.
so, my fast is done. forty days was up last night. i ate white chocolate mice. and this is why i am more confused, not the mice, but the fast, because i really prayed god would tell me what to do by the end of it....but then, some people seem to think it often all comes clear in the aftermath. either way i'm a bit scared i think that i might have somehow missed the boat. or maybe the point.....
with reference to the last post, i am still content. but what i have realised in the last couple of days, is that even while i am content, i am not at all satisfied. and (she says quietly) i'm not ever sure i want to be, but with it i just feel so frustrated and reading something in howie's last night about living the life you love.....it kinda made me cry in the bath. i want a job that i love. that's all. and a man, would be nice.
its the european dream
please don't misunderstand me dearest readers...i am not sad, or moaning (for once!)...am just frustrated at not feeling like i'm making progress finding my way. a helpful boy pointed out though that just loving jesus and saying thanks for a while with no questioning would probably be the best way to go.
so the peace parade is this evening. do come if you can.
drago dragonfly i love you
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