tell the truth as if it were lies

i don't know what that means..its the name of a song by kathryn williams
just been thinking about telling the truth.
and about how some people just know the truth about you, just know who you are....just know that you are not ok...
emma cowan came home yesterday...she's been gone three or four months.....she took one look at me and knew that i was not ok.
i talked to watto last night on the phone and before i knew it i was being more honest than i can remember being for years.
she already knew a lot of it i think
the people that really really know me aren't here any more. the people that know me here now, i love them, and they me, i think, but i don't feel very known....this is my fault.
a couple of weeks ago, i spent the evening with someone who i would class among my favourite people. turned out that my last year had almost entirely bypassed this person and they had no idea about what had bene going on since...well, since barcelona really.
the underneath truth of it is that facing up to how shit i feel and how shit things are in a lot of ways and how much i don't understand god and feel disappointed in him...its all so verging on self-pity, and also is horribly reminiscent of being depressed, which is something i have no desire to look into doing again...
the real truth is that i don't believe in god fixing or changing things. i know i believe it in theory, and i know that people have differing levels of believing this at different times....but i just don't. and as watto in all her wisdom cautiously asserted, maybe its a remnant from the catholic genes....? ..that strange mixture of self-reliance and self-doubt... that says - i made the mess, i have to clear it up...i spent the money, i have to pay the debts.....i screwed up the plans, i don't deserve any new ones...other people are always going to get things before you because they are nicer and holier....you'll always be watching people do what they want to do, from your desk with someone else's photocopying on it waiting to get done.
its quite a realisation for a thursday when half an hour before you were at book club with people from work at the rampant lion
i think that there must be a stage of life while in a cocoon, that hurts. where new limbs are growing and the cocoon isn't, or where there just isn't enough room to move around, and the wanting to get out gets worse and leaves the bug feeling suffocated and impatient.
i feel like that. i'm sorry this is all so dramatic, but i also think that wanting to not be emotional or intense so that certain people among my friends would still want to hang out with me, has helped to add to the months of not thinking honestly and clearly.
so....this is the truth for me right now. and god is near, he's at hand and ready to wade in and take over.....i think i just need to quit smoking