only got one..

that is the name of a song by frou frou, which i like alot.
today on the bus back from london i was listening to it and thinking about what that means, you only have one life, its your life, make of it what you will...i wondered what it means for me, when lately i am faced with some fairly stark choices, or at least the beginnings of choices, about where i choose to prioritise the time that this one life affords me.
do i choose to marry for love? do i find whoever will have me and see how it goes? do i sell out to the man and go corporate, wearing suits, learning to walk in heels and laughing, certainly, alot less than i do during my current working days...? do i sit to the side of the forces of change, looking on, feeling glad, occasionally applauding, or do i pin up my action slacks and wade on in...? do i pay heed to the fears inside me that keep me awake some nights (less frequently now, you will be pleased to hear..), or do i lend my ear instead to those faithful psalmists who speak of god in the way that reminds me in who it is i put my hope? do i look around and feel envy at the loves, successes and joys of people around me, or do i accept the invitations to join in their loves, to add to and admire their successes and revel in their joys?
i guess none of the above are particularly hard questions, really..they have really quite obvious answers..but not necessarily the answers i can choose at 3am when still awake, or in the changing room at dp when nothing fits...not so easy when i feel frustrated at work, by the limitations of my own skills and experience, and by the lives i see before me everyday in whom i can only play such small a part...not half so easy as you'd think, when i at times feel i may still be waiting outside certain doors with a hope that should long since have died, but that silently persists, even when the door has been quietly but decidedly closed to me...
i do know however that i can trust in jesus to quicken my decision-making, as he has already over the years..
now though, i choose decaf tea, a hot bath and the joys of bed-time radio four...
night loves..x