theological conundrum...

so, i've never been too hot on theological matters...

i pretty much figure - love the lord, be nice to people, explore your surroundings, use your talents, give what you have, and love bravely....

what more is there, really...?!

thing is, if theology is one's view of god, or the unmovables about god, or the cumulative ideas of 2008(?!) years of deciphering the word, or all of the above, then at the end of it all its still just about your relationship with god, right...?

so, my theology - my relationship with god....

thing is, that for me has foundations that were built on total despair being met with huge expectation and shocking hope......i had an actual conversion, one pin-point moment, where i chose to live......and then the hard work started.........and that hard work was god's work, convincing me, one relentless fear after another that only he could cross them off, rub them out.....replacing abject fear with unbelievable truth....i cried every day for about the first year, fretted everyday for about the following four years.....and since then, have moved from mildly unsettled, back to hideously fearful, and then to, well, then i moved into falling in love....

and now i find myself, quite literally, happier than i have ever been.....and well, my condundrum is this:

how does one, at the ripe old age of 27, begin to imagine a god who wants to be involved in the flirting and the planning and the missing and the misunderstandings and the giddy grinning of a fledgling romance....?

the answer, i know, is that he instigated such love, he instigated this love, and that all love comes from and is sustained and enhanced by him....

this much i believe......but in practise it is proving rather difficult...not because the man in question is not a friend of the lord, but because of my second question....

where, in a relationship with jesus that is built out of a desperate, overwhelming need in me, for him, do i find a dynamic that moves me to need and rely on him, when i do not feel that same sense of lack? of course i do lack: i lack love and kindness and patience and all the other things that we all lack, but, i don't know......i have not wept for my want of god in quite some time, and truth be told, that's how i know him.....its why i know him.....its how we relate.....or was....and now? 

now, i wake up happy...i sleep better than a baby.....i do not grimace when i look at my own body....i have tiny seed-like hopes for a life in the future....i grin alot...!! there is a man who makes me laugh everyday, loves me selflessly everyday.....

once more pals, answers on a postcard....