hand on heart

i think my post last week was a bit odd

i've made the decision to leave it there, but i think it was a bit odd...

i did not mean to imply that i no longer need god.....that's just crazy talk.....

but i think that what i meant, refers to the dynamics of that need, the impulses and responses that heighten and isolate that need.......these have changed.....i do not right now feel as i felt before, and the ongoing flaw in my theology, is that it hinges in this bizarre and incalculable notion of feeling....

a wise man said to me last summer, that he believed that my (then) sadness and fear were being compounded by the problem of my having experienced a very 'personal' salvation', as aforementioned, however many years previously...

by this (and he may be reading, so he can correct me if i'm wrong...!) he meant that my version of jesus is based on who is is to me, not on who he is just because...who he is as the firstborn in all the world, the one who chooses to let us keep on living on our spinning axis everyday, the one who fails to falter...who cannot change.....that one.....

he eludes me...

if i'm crying, weak, lost, hurting, fearful, confused, aimless, feckless, loveless....he is there, as vivid and as real to me as i could possibly ask of him.......

yet it seems i cannot let him just be...

which is rude, really, because he lets me be!!

anyway. seriousness over, back to silliness in the episodes to come...!

many loves....x