on the day that it happened, i remembered certain things very clearly that helped me both immediately and on the following days, to make a very clear decision.
i remembered how i felt in the months after my uncle died suddenly of no found illness, aged 53.
i remembered how i felt seeing ben and louie searching around for answers, even small clues...
and so i made the decision then and there, that i was not going to ask god why this happened.
i gave up my right to ask the question.
i honestly think that grief is compounded, approximately a million-fold, by the fruitless repetition of this question to god.
don't get me wrong, i'm not for a second saying that people shouldn't ask.
but i was and still am quite resolute in my conviction that for me to ask would not come to any good.
no-one has ever received a satisfactory answer to that particular question. faith can be lost over it. sleep, sanity and love can be lost over it, and i for one am ripe to lose all four in one swift move, if i do not check myself in time now. by that i mean that i am not going to ask. i am going to trust that only god knows, that only god can know, because my mind is far too small to take it in.
i truly think that he should be allowed to know some things that we don't know.
i'm letting him win on this one
however, in return, i had hoped to be able to sleep....not tonight, mes amis....
2 comentarios:
will be praying you get some good sleep soon beauty x
hon what you have written has really touched me. I think that's amazing.
Really hopin you get sleep to help your mind...however small it is!
Love love love coming your way big time
Els et al xxx
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