like the sad, middle-aged person i seem to be becoming, i have taken a great liking of late, to murder-mystery tv shows, like anything to do with agatha christie, morse, or anything that has bergerac being now 'of a certain age', but charming as ever...even felicity kendall and the woman who was once the lovely mother in darling buds of may, and then somehow also the evil, EVIL woman in matilda..yes, even them and their gardening capers are of entertainmentary value to me at present.
odd, isn't it...?
the thing is, i've just been thinking, over a cup of tea before bed (saturday night, aged 24, what's to become of us all...?), that in fact maybe there is something to be learned, that could lend assistance to one's spiritual treasue hunts, from these goulish, implausible, usually aristocratic plots..
there is a certain characteristic shared by the vast majority of these crime-solving protagonists, which i think may be of immense value to me in the days ahead. it is that quality of reserve (in the old fashioned, austen sense) that both permits and induces meticulous observation. i'm talking about quietness of tongue, watchfulness of eye and sharpness of mind, which i am now thinking may well be esssential tools for following the tracks of god. (chapter on solitude in celebration of discipline last night also helped, as well as late night itv drama..)
not that i want to blame anything on him, or pin any crime on him, au countraire. i do wish however to be more able to see both what is obvious and what is not. if, as i am assured, he has designs and plans for me, which, it seems are being revealed at not only a maddeningly slow pace, but are also frequently veiled in mysetery or left unconcluded, perhaps i ought to attempt some holy sleuthing. after all, we know he wants to be found, right? trail of breadcrumbs....bit of a paper chase? an elaborate cover-up involving the maid and a villainous-looking austrain doctor..? mais non, mes cheries..
apparently its actually a lot more simple than that
the bible, that's the secret!
and i love him a lot more today. a lot more.
i found some preliminary clues in the bible last night..i'm on the scent....
hurrah
sábado, enero 29, 2005
viernes, enero 28, 2005
life springs eternal
heavens, i found some sense. well, it was given me.
things have felt entirely wrong, and the conclusion that god must have made a mistake has been the prevailing impression of the last couple of months.
however, i have been assured that god does not screw up, that in fact, he uses whatever situation to his advantage. i suppose it just sometimes seems that his advantage does not always lead to mine. on that score, too, i am relieved to admit that i may be wrong.
"there are things god needs to tell you, about who you are in him, who he would have you be, what he wants you to do, that are far too important for them to be interfered with by other people. he wil not let your destiny suffer because you were adamant you should be surrounded by friends and 'feel supported'. he had to get you on your own, to be able to show you that only he can improve and shape you, only he can command your future, only he wants enough for you to leave you for a while with nothing, that the plans and dreams he has for you, and the life he wants for you, must be given and revealed to you only by him, and not by the whispers of others or influenced by the dynamics of a community."
(paraphrased from a phone call with a friend five minutes ago)
it still sounds cannily like rhetoric to my addled brain. my heart heard it differently..i know that the silence i uttered after it, and the strangely light weight it has left in me are responses to truth, that i cannot deny. or i could choose to, but i'm fairly sure now, that that is where i've been going wrong.
i've been choosing lies over truth, doubt over belief and general decay over the epic restoration that has been offered me.
oh na when will you learn.......?
and oddly enough, again, all to the sounds of a coldplay song...there's something going on here...
things have felt entirely wrong, and the conclusion that god must have made a mistake has been the prevailing impression of the last couple of months.
however, i have been assured that god does not screw up, that in fact, he uses whatever situation to his advantage. i suppose it just sometimes seems that his advantage does not always lead to mine. on that score, too, i am relieved to admit that i may be wrong.
"there are things god needs to tell you, about who you are in him, who he would have you be, what he wants you to do, that are far too important for them to be interfered with by other people. he wil not let your destiny suffer because you were adamant you should be surrounded by friends and 'feel supported'. he had to get you on your own, to be able to show you that only he can improve and shape you, only he can command your future, only he wants enough for you to leave you for a while with nothing, that the plans and dreams he has for you, and the life he wants for you, must be given and revealed to you only by him, and not by the whispers of others or influenced by the dynamics of a community."
(paraphrased from a phone call with a friend five minutes ago)
it still sounds cannily like rhetoric to my addled brain. my heart heard it differently..i know that the silence i uttered after it, and the strangely light weight it has left in me are responses to truth, that i cannot deny. or i could choose to, but i'm fairly sure now, that that is where i've been going wrong.
i've been choosing lies over truth, doubt over belief and general decay over the epic restoration that has been offered me.
oh na when will you learn.......?
and oddly enough, again, all to the sounds of a coldplay song...there's something going on here...
lunes, enero 17, 2005
good one
see, sometimes all it takes is a coldplay song. they're not one of my favourite bands, but sometimes man, they just smack you with a bit of truth, or clarity, sometimes, its that old trick of just being good music.... time is on your side, being this evening's little gem........there's been a mounting fear in me that life was quite literally and rapidly passing by my window like the west midlands countryside on a virgin train on the way to manchester from here....i miss that
anyway, the point is, that youth and time are both on my side, even if i have recently half-conluded that god perhaps isn't. well, not conclusively concluded, i suppose....
i'd say it was more of an extended musing that refused to shift.
however, i do miss him and love him and do still believe the theory that life with him even at its worst (perhaps a bit like now for me) is better and fuller and sweeter than any kind of life without him. the good man clive staples was perhaps right after all......
the hardness of god is softer than the kindness of men
anyway, the point is, that youth and time are both on my side, even if i have recently half-conluded that god perhaps isn't. well, not conclusively concluded, i suppose....
i'd say it was more of an extended musing that refused to shift.
however, i do miss him and love him and do still believe the theory that life with him even at its worst (perhaps a bit like now for me) is better and fuller and sweeter than any kind of life without him. the good man clive staples was perhaps right after all......
the hardness of god is softer than the kindness of men
domingo, enero 16, 2005
the one remaining true gem..
contained in the maroon 5 album that hasn't bored me or gotten old, is the line in she will be loved that say this
its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along
what if its always one person doing the compromising?
i miss the butterflies and rainbows.
i miss knowing him, and knowing that he was enough.
i miss having a raised ear, ready to listen, always waiting for an answer, always asking a question, always telling my stories.
maybe we were never meant to have these kind of relationships with god anyway, the ones where intimacy is talked of, where two-way communication is no longer reserved for the mentally troubled, and where prayers are answered or if not, explainations for why not are forthcoming and therefore perseverance is building character.
what if, just in theory, god wasn't like that? what if we made it so he was like that? i know the vast majority of people, including most christians, actually believe he is nothing like that. to them he is static, immovable and silent........who's to say he can't just be left there?
its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along
what if its always one person doing the compromising?
i miss the butterflies and rainbows.
i miss knowing him, and knowing that he was enough.
i miss having a raised ear, ready to listen, always waiting for an answer, always asking a question, always telling my stories.
maybe we were never meant to have these kind of relationships with god anyway, the ones where intimacy is talked of, where two-way communication is no longer reserved for the mentally troubled, and where prayers are answered or if not, explainations for why not are forthcoming and therefore perseverance is building character.
what if, just in theory, god wasn't like that? what if we made it so he was like that? i know the vast majority of people, including most christians, actually believe he is nothing like that. to them he is static, immovable and silent........who's to say he can't just be left there?
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