I have had my five portions of fruit and vegetables today for sure.
I love days when that happens.
Started my day with a kiwi, a banana and apple.
Smug smug smug.
So I went to work and didn’t enjoy most of the day at all as there are now three of us doing the work and its all complex and I am not competitive enough to snatch it as it comes in, so I ended up with pretty much nothing all day. Bizarre woman who has taken over the office must go.
Or I must go, find gainful employment elsewhere. Talking to john last night made me glad again to realise that being overwhelmed by potential ideas for work and hopes and stuff isn’t something I have the monopoly on. Its such a confusing thing to see so many things around you that you would love to see change, and to have no idea where you play your part in it. I should probably also add into that whole scene, the things that I just would love to do, that aren’t at all to do with changing the world but are small wee dreams that I keep in my pocket, like being a make-up artist and a hairdresser. I thought tonight though, what a wonderful thing, to be not tied, not set on a course, yet to have ideas, however castle-in-the-air-like they may seem. Living here, where potential and possibility are two fairly contraband substances, it feels oddly defiant to maintain the pipe dreams, update and review them, and let god in on them. I get in such a pickle when I try and pin down one idea of what to do, it must make him laugh I think, but I know he is building in me one thing at a time, all working towards work that will be in turn working towards the working out of me and him. And the ultimate working out of his own pipe dreams…what a thought heh..the very pipe dreams of god.
Wonderous.
Tim came round this evening, I think he had heard about the bake-off yesterday and wanted to see what remained. His inquisition brought him the last and biggest share of coffee cake and lots of tea. It brought me his tales from the temple, which as I kept asking him to describe it, I got such a picture of it in my head I could almost smell the place. See I know he loves jesus, and I’m glad, but I can kind of see why his field trips to these strange and unknown places are making him wonder..we talked about how other ways of living and expressing faith seem to have a way better concept of and respect for the scared, the holy, the mighty aspects of god. We in living rooms and without much regard for rules have, I’ve been thinking lately, perhaps taken the buddy jesus thing a bit too far and lost the fear somewhat. Maybe just me. Weird though heh..tim told me a book I should read. I love it when conversations with tim end at the point when he’s succeeded in recommending a you a book on the subject in question, and therefore feels he can do no more for you.
lunes, octubre 31, 2005
the joy of baking..
So the clocks went back and I woke up and got up at seven something in the morning. I just don’t get how it means you’re meant to get more sleep!
Anyway so I decided I’d quite like to go to mass. I know, I know, the obvious comments about reading stuff by one of the greats of catholic mysticism one day then wanting to head off to mass the next are anticipated, I don’t know, I just wanted the familiar routine, mass, in nice clothes and big coat, coming home, coffee, toast, papers, home truths on radio 4, that whole scene. So I walked to church, had the absolute joy of whitworth park all to myself at 8.30 on a lovely autumnly morning, talked to a squirrel and generally enjoyed the fresh air of doing what I wanted and not really needing a reason.
They’d had mass at 7, and the big slackers weren’t having another til 11, so I just went in and prayed among the all too familiar smells and sounds of a church..the organ man was practising his scales, the nuns were praying and some crazy lady was talking out loud to a statue of mary at the back.
I left soon though and had the bizarre experience of being the second customer of the day in caffe nero. The book came out and I moved onto reading of the second mansion. There was a page where she described the transition from the first to the second, and why it is necessary. She described what she was shown to be the state of people in this transition time. I nearly choked on my tepid Americano as I read..
Those who have already begun to practice prayer, and who realise the importance of not remaining in the first mansion, but who are not yet resolute enough to leave..they can understand the lord when he calls them, for as they gradually get nearer to the place where his majesty dwells, he becomes a very good neighbour to them. And such are his his mecy and goodness that, even when we are even when we are engaged in our worldly pastimes and businesses, and pleasures and hagglings, when we are falling into sins and rising from them again, this lord of ours is so anxious that we shoud desire him and strive after his companionship that he calls un ceaselessly, time after time, to approach him, and this voice of his is so sweet that the poor soul is consumed with grief at being unable to do his bidding immediately.
See…?
I really think I’ve started something..
i made lots of cakes, and a crumble, my best ever i think, and generally made the best kind of mess in the kitchen..then went to a gathering for watto prayer time at burdith..was good, everyone had cake and crumble and suddenly i missed being the hostess at maine road with cate..
went to big hands with matt and watto..then john hughes came too..the evening was lovely. generally a good weekend all round, feel as though i am finding feet here..wasn't expecting it would take time, but that was just dumb. i guess i have to find my feet with god though first right, then all else will follow...as the saying goes..x
ps i went to one of our local grocery stores on great western street to buy flour and baking powder. the lady in the shop disappeared out back when i told her i wanted some of the latter, and brought me some of her own from her kitchen, in a small bag that she gave me for free...sometimes m14 really is good to me..
Anyway so I decided I’d quite like to go to mass. I know, I know, the obvious comments about reading stuff by one of the greats of catholic mysticism one day then wanting to head off to mass the next are anticipated, I don’t know, I just wanted the familiar routine, mass, in nice clothes and big coat, coming home, coffee, toast, papers, home truths on radio 4, that whole scene. So I walked to church, had the absolute joy of whitworth park all to myself at 8.30 on a lovely autumnly morning, talked to a squirrel and generally enjoyed the fresh air of doing what I wanted and not really needing a reason.
They’d had mass at 7, and the big slackers weren’t having another til 11, so I just went in and prayed among the all too familiar smells and sounds of a church..the organ man was practising his scales, the nuns were praying and some crazy lady was talking out loud to a statue of mary at the back.
I left soon though and had the bizarre experience of being the second customer of the day in caffe nero. The book came out and I moved onto reading of the second mansion. There was a page where she described the transition from the first to the second, and why it is necessary. She described what she was shown to be the state of people in this transition time. I nearly choked on my tepid Americano as I read..
Those who have already begun to practice prayer, and who realise the importance of not remaining in the first mansion, but who are not yet resolute enough to leave..they can understand the lord when he calls them, for as they gradually get nearer to the place where his majesty dwells, he becomes a very good neighbour to them. And such are his his mecy and goodness that, even when we are even when we are engaged in our worldly pastimes and businesses, and pleasures and hagglings, when we are falling into sins and rising from them again, this lord of ours is so anxious that we shoud desire him and strive after his companionship that he calls un ceaselessly, time after time, to approach him, and this voice of his is so sweet that the poor soul is consumed with grief at being unable to do his bidding immediately.
See…?
I really think I’ve started something..
i made lots of cakes, and a crumble, my best ever i think, and generally made the best kind of mess in the kitchen..then went to a gathering for watto prayer time at burdith..was good, everyone had cake and crumble and suddenly i missed being the hostess at maine road with cate..
went to big hands with matt and watto..then john hughes came too..the evening was lovely. generally a good weekend all round, feel as though i am finding feet here..wasn't expecting it would take time, but that was just dumb. i guess i have to find my feet with god though first right, then all else will follow...as the saying goes..x
ps i went to one of our local grocery stores on great western street to buy flour and baking powder. the lady in the shop disappeared out back when i told her i wanted some of the latter, and brought me some of her own from her kitchen, in a small bag that she gave me for free...sometimes m14 really is good to me..
so today I think I started something.
I started off by saying goodbye to Olivia in trof, goodbye for another half a term anyway.
That turned into coffee and rolling lessons with laura gribbon, a rare treat of me and birdie time, hadn’t realised how much I’d been missing that..
Had the shock of perhaps not my life but at least the month when Benjamin o’rourke appeared, one of the most genuinely funny and charming people I know. Bird and I were shortly joined by ben lehmann (sp?) and so we stayed a while longer. The plan of the day was book reading and coffee drinking, but since not one of us had brought our books we instead took a turn about the park, looked at the ducks and went to the secret garden. We eventually ben and I gor our books and repaired to battery park, a different kind of park altogether from the platt fields variety, and began to read. Now, it has been a while, a long while, since I started a book and within minutes have thought, this is ezakly what I need right now, but even without my former prophetic librarian hdc, it turned out I had indeed made that timely choice. The interior castle by teresa of avila is about 400 years old, written while most of her other writings had been confiscated by the inquisitors (wouldn’t that be a good name for a band….!?) and is about a vision she had of a castle of the soul, made up of several mansions, and the passage that the soul must take with god in order to be able to be with him where he dwells….she was asked to write about prayer, for a group of nuns who were kind of struggling..at times its odd because she talks directly to them as a group and one feels slightly like one is intruding..but the idea of charting your course with this specific image in mind kind of appeals to me at the moment, when I feel pretty stuck, neither doing particularly well or badly, just subsisting..so I read, had the best chocolate cake I may have ever had, then I went home. I cooked, had wine, read a bit more, then realised I was a bit in the weeds, and given that I was technically drinking alone, figured then would be a good time to stop and pray. So I did, and it was good.
That turned into coffee and rolling lessons with laura gribbon, a rare treat of me and birdie time, hadn’t realised how much I’d been missing that..
Had the shock of perhaps not my life but at least the month when Benjamin o’rourke appeared, one of the most genuinely funny and charming people I know. Bird and I were shortly joined by ben lehmann (sp?) and so we stayed a while longer. The plan of the day was book reading and coffee drinking, but since not one of us had brought our books we instead took a turn about the park, looked at the ducks and went to the secret garden. We eventually ben and I gor our books and repaired to battery park, a different kind of park altogether from the platt fields variety, and began to read. Now, it has been a while, a long while, since I started a book and within minutes have thought, this is ezakly what I need right now, but even without my former prophetic librarian hdc, it turned out I had indeed made that timely choice. The interior castle by teresa of avila is about 400 years old, written while most of her other writings had been confiscated by the inquisitors (wouldn’t that be a good name for a band….!?) and is about a vision she had of a castle of the soul, made up of several mansions, and the passage that the soul must take with god in order to be able to be with him where he dwells….she was asked to write about prayer, for a group of nuns who were kind of struggling..at times its odd because she talks directly to them as a group and one feels slightly like one is intruding..but the idea of charting your course with this specific image in mind kind of appeals to me at the moment, when I feel pretty stuck, neither doing particularly well or badly, just subsisting..so I read, had the best chocolate cake I may have ever had, then I went home. I cooked, had wine, read a bit more, then realised I was a bit in the weeds, and given that I was technically drinking alone, figured then would be a good time to stop and pray. So I did, and it was good.
sábado, octubre 29, 2005
that i would be good..
So I’m in my room, I’ve got my playlist for my quiet time, starting at lets see..0110 hours..well done na.
I wish this was direct blogging but unfortunately I have no internet to call my own. Problem with blogging then posting at a later time, even if it is only tomorrow morning, is the risk that it will never get as far as the internet café but will stay safe here with me.
Ok so where were we, yes..today’s Things That Are True
I have realised I am a bitch. This lady at my work, I really dislike her, and she me. This scenario has nothing to do with jesus and what he has done for me and who he asks me in response to try with him to be. Its just been about being horrid. I’ve more or less despised her since we met on Tuesday. She has done very little to warrant this other than be dreadfully common, coarse, loud and have awful annunciation. None of these things are, I think, conscious or chosen, its just who she is and that’s fine. But I haven’t let it be fine and I in turn have been snappy with her and not shown her kindness or respect at all really. So I finished my week at work today walking to the pub, ready for a beer and glad that I was beginning a whole weekend of days pottering around and seeing people who do not provoke such unsolicited snobbery and meanness from me. But she will still be there on Monday and since my victorious I-survived-the-week beer at 1605 hours today, I have realised that I would very much like Monday to see a few changes in my attitude towards the lady. Or The Monster as most of the people in the office call her. I want to see her differently…but its hard when she’s one of those people that if she were in a cartoon the flowers would wither as she walked past.
Today, Oswald was basically saying that we’re not saved because we repented, but saved because of what jesus did on the cross. He says we put too much emphasis on the effects of the part we play in our salvation instead of just letting ourselves be affected by what has already been done for us. I was relieved to hear this idea on my cigarette break today, because if it were down to me to, as ms “dale” would say, get my shit together, then with all the shit I’ve figured out this week that needs to be got together, I’d sure be too busy to work…and work is so good for me. I may be finding the dark, early grey mornings rather hard, but I am starting to see that if the narrow gate means the path of most resistance then I guess that’s where we get to learn about how to be more like him, and that means learning to love the lady and learning to concentrate and work hard and still be alive somehow at the same time. Its just a lot to think about isn’t it…?!weekend now though….time to read..
I wish this was direct blogging but unfortunately I have no internet to call my own. Problem with blogging then posting at a later time, even if it is only tomorrow morning, is the risk that it will never get as far as the internet café but will stay safe here with me.
Ok so where were we, yes..today’s Things That Are True
I have realised I am a bitch. This lady at my work, I really dislike her, and she me. This scenario has nothing to do with jesus and what he has done for me and who he asks me in response to try with him to be. Its just been about being horrid. I’ve more or less despised her since we met on Tuesday. She has done very little to warrant this other than be dreadfully common, coarse, loud and have awful annunciation. None of these things are, I think, conscious or chosen, its just who she is and that’s fine. But I haven’t let it be fine and I in turn have been snappy with her and not shown her kindness or respect at all really. So I finished my week at work today walking to the pub, ready for a beer and glad that I was beginning a whole weekend of days pottering around and seeing people who do not provoke such unsolicited snobbery and meanness from me. But she will still be there on Monday and since my victorious I-survived-the-week beer at 1605 hours today, I have realised that I would very much like Monday to see a few changes in my attitude towards the lady. Or The Monster as most of the people in the office call her. I want to see her differently…but its hard when she’s one of those people that if she were in a cartoon the flowers would wither as she walked past.
Today, Oswald was basically saying that we’re not saved because we repented, but saved because of what jesus did on the cross. He says we put too much emphasis on the effects of the part we play in our salvation instead of just letting ourselves be affected by what has already been done for us. I was relieved to hear this idea on my cigarette break today, because if it were down to me to, as ms “dale” would say, get my shit together, then with all the shit I’ve figured out this week that needs to be got together, I’d sure be too busy to work…and work is so good for me. I may be finding the dark, early grey mornings rather hard, but I am starting to see that if the narrow gate means the path of most resistance then I guess that’s where we get to learn about how to be more like him, and that means learning to love the lady and learning to concentrate and work hard and still be alive somehow at the same time. Its just a lot to think about isn’t it…?!weekend now though….time to read..
jueves, octubre 27, 2005
neon..
so i'm having some strange but good moments of realising Things That Are True during my walks to work in the mornings.
a couple of days ago, i realised that nothing that i'm doing these days has, or just doesn't feel like it has, any spirit in it. spirit with a small s or with a big one either (Spirit). its a hard thing to explain but i guess i feel like the opposite of the girl in the song neon by john mayer. which is also the opoosite of this:
- it was as if she had set lighted candles in all the windows of her house of life-
this is my favourite book quote of all time.
it is kind of my not motto but a thing in my head like a standard for living life to the full, in a visible and obvious way, in a way that the fullness of life is coming from inside and not from the light of the people that are around you, or the things that entertain or inspire you, but from god within and his fullness etc etc
the bottom line is that i'm not in a place of devotion with jesus. this is the word watto dropped into a sentence the other day that made me catch my breath and slightly skipped a beat on the inside because it is a concept and a discipline that i gave been aspiring to and thinking about for years and it both intrigues and excites me.
and i have lost the desire for it.
i want it back,
my room is my retreat house. i abdndon it every morning and often spend no time in it until bed, and this is the opposite of what i want and need to be doing,.
same old same old, doing what i don't want to do not doing the things i do want to do. but the options i choose are always fun and somehow easier.
yesterday the Thing I Realised Was True was..
that since barcelona i've stopped asking god for things. i can pray for other people, and on my better days i can spend time praising jesus and telling him how fond i am of him. but i have given up offering petitions for my own part. the root of disappointment is sod a dog still deeper in me than i had any idea. it has slammed the brakes on my increasing faith, and scuppered my desire to dream.
ok rambling now but this is helping so if you don't mind awfully i'll continue..
the things i want have taken second place to just kind of getting by and not getting my heart broken. its kind of like being on prozac. can't feel the bad but can't really feel the good either. i'm in a balanced state where no great weeping ever overcomes me anymore, and no rending of my heart ever happens in order to pray better or love more. and i can't get that excited about anything, or giddy or hopeful.
no buzzing, no neon, no lighted candles.
i thought at one point today like my life is rather ordinary.
and i was kind of ok with it.
scary stuff.
a couple of days ago, i realised that nothing that i'm doing these days has, or just doesn't feel like it has, any spirit in it. spirit with a small s or with a big one either (Spirit). its a hard thing to explain but i guess i feel like the opposite of the girl in the song neon by john mayer. which is also the opoosite of this:
- it was as if she had set lighted candles in all the windows of her house of life-
this is my favourite book quote of all time.
it is kind of my not motto but a thing in my head like a standard for living life to the full, in a visible and obvious way, in a way that the fullness of life is coming from inside and not from the light of the people that are around you, or the things that entertain or inspire you, but from god within and his fullness etc etc
the bottom line is that i'm not in a place of devotion with jesus. this is the word watto dropped into a sentence the other day that made me catch my breath and slightly skipped a beat on the inside because it is a concept and a discipline that i gave been aspiring to and thinking about for years and it both intrigues and excites me.
and i have lost the desire for it.
i want it back,
my room is my retreat house. i abdndon it every morning and often spend no time in it until bed, and this is the opposite of what i want and need to be doing,.
same old same old, doing what i don't want to do not doing the things i do want to do. but the options i choose are always fun and somehow easier.
yesterday the Thing I Realised Was True was..
that since barcelona i've stopped asking god for things. i can pray for other people, and on my better days i can spend time praising jesus and telling him how fond i am of him. but i have given up offering petitions for my own part. the root of disappointment is sod a dog still deeper in me than i had any idea. it has slammed the brakes on my increasing faith, and scuppered my desire to dream.
ok rambling now but this is helping so if you don't mind awfully i'll continue..
the things i want have taken second place to just kind of getting by and not getting my heart broken. its kind of like being on prozac. can't feel the bad but can't really feel the good either. i'm in a balanced state where no great weeping ever overcomes me anymore, and no rending of my heart ever happens in order to pray better or love more. and i can't get that excited about anything, or giddy or hopeful.
no buzzing, no neon, no lighted candles.
i thought at one point today like my life is rather ordinary.
and i was kind of ok with it.
scary stuff.
martes, octubre 25, 2005
bites you on the ass..
so i've always had this philosophy that home is where your cds are.
last night, i freaked out when i was alone and in my room and felt like...shit, i really do live in manchester now, and where's the going back and how did this happen? and why am i living in a house where my friends all once lived and have all since moved on?
and so i realised that the temporarily stopping somewhere til decisions get made, has turned into actually living somewhere
because all yes all my cds are now in my room. with all my handbags too.
scary stuff
last night, i freaked out when i was alone and in my room and felt like...shit, i really do live in manchester now, and where's the going back and how did this happen? and why am i living in a house where my friends all once lived and have all since moved on?
and so i realised that the temporarily stopping somewhere til decisions get made, has turned into actually living somewhere
because all yes all my cds are now in my room. with all my handbags too.
scary stuff
domingo, octubre 23, 2005
i don't even know where i live now..
i went to stonehenge today
it wasn't solstace, wasn't sunny, wasn't sunset, wasn't beautiful weather or situation or anything
and i flippin loved it
it was cold and grey and not even nice enough to be winterly and it didn't matter
i loved it
so paul got married. and we had so much fun at the wedding.
the furtados sure are a beautiful family.
i also did my favourite all-time round of top-fives..i asked paul during the party in the evening what top five songs he would like to hear during the rest of his wedding reception...they were as follows
sweet child of mine: guns and roses
want you back: jackson five
must be love: madness
friday i'm in love: the cure
he also wanted jenny doesn't like me anymore by less than jake, the only one - not surprisingly - that the disco dj didn't have..
well done me i say
the cheesey cheeses did a wonderful rendition of the sandman song with a paul and jenny wedding-day slant, which was hilarious and finely tuned
and now i am back in manchester with nearly all my things. my room feels more like mine as a result.
which is good
it wasn't solstace, wasn't sunny, wasn't sunset, wasn't beautiful weather or situation or anything
and i flippin loved it
it was cold and grey and not even nice enough to be winterly and it didn't matter
i loved it
so paul got married. and we had so much fun at the wedding.
the furtados sure are a beautiful family.
i also did my favourite all-time round of top-fives..i asked paul during the party in the evening what top five songs he would like to hear during the rest of his wedding reception...they were as follows
sweet child of mine: guns and roses
want you back: jackson five
must be love: madness
friday i'm in love: the cure
he also wanted jenny doesn't like me anymore by less than jake, the only one - not surprisingly - that the disco dj didn't have..
well done me i say
the cheesey cheeses did a wonderful rendition of the sandman song with a paul and jenny wedding-day slant, which was hilarious and finely tuned
and now i am back in manchester with nearly all my things. my room feels more like mine as a result.
which is good
viernes, octubre 21, 2005
take two...
paul f is getting married tomorrow...
mother
now is almost certainly the time to stop referring to him as the boy that was supposed to marry me..!!
in manchester the wedding scene, kicked off brilliantly by t and a five, yes five years ago, has become very much the done thing, but this is school friends,the first wedding of a good school friend..this is friends who in my head most of the time are still 17 and stoned, now in suits and making speeches and buying gifts from gift-lists and doing the grown-up thing....this is boys i've kissed, this is...well, its brilliant.
i'm so excited.
i got the best haircut of my life today. and no, not because i have to look good at paul's wedding, just because i have a great hairdresser who i have to go 200 miles to see. i love her.
i also got a message from claire today saying my one-day a week job at carisma is a-go-go...mid november, and by then i need to find two more jobs....hurrah.
i am about to go out to rob and amy's, with a few others, for wine and cheese and games. hopefully not monopoly, but games like travel go, who no-one but my family seems ever to have heard of even though ITS THE BEST BOARD GAME EVER and cards and hopefully crib and things like that. my offering to the games pile is to be, yes, you've guessed it, scrabble without a board, its the christian action work-evosion method of choice, and entirely philip gribbon's fault...take two...
oh..you should see my hair..
mother
now is almost certainly the time to stop referring to him as the boy that was supposed to marry me..!!
in manchester the wedding scene, kicked off brilliantly by t and a five, yes five years ago, has become very much the done thing, but this is school friends,the first wedding of a good school friend..this is friends who in my head most of the time are still 17 and stoned, now in suits and making speeches and buying gifts from gift-lists and doing the grown-up thing....this is boys i've kissed, this is...well, its brilliant.
i'm so excited.
i got the best haircut of my life today. and no, not because i have to look good at paul's wedding, just because i have a great hairdresser who i have to go 200 miles to see. i love her.
i also got a message from claire today saying my one-day a week job at carisma is a-go-go...mid november, and by then i need to find two more jobs....hurrah.
i am about to go out to rob and amy's, with a few others, for wine and cheese and games. hopefully not monopoly, but games like travel go, who no-one but my family seems ever to have heard of even though ITS THE BEST BOARD GAME EVER and cards and hopefully crib and things like that. my offering to the games pile is to be, yes, you've guessed it, scrabble without a board, its the christian action work-evosion method of choice, and entirely philip gribbon's fault...take two...
oh..you should see my hair..
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