ok, i really do not want mine to become the blog that only ever goes on about smoking and how wierd it is to quit (wierd, more than difficult..) but seriously, check this out for an unprecedented gaunlet of events and experiences that i have run in the miraculous escape from smoking that has been my london experience so far this weekend..
1..a christian conference
2..seeing liv
3..seeing hattie, who, although she has never been a smoker, is every now and again, a very lovely and conspiratorial smoking companion
4..being in london
5..topshop
6..on oxford street
7..on a saturday afternoon
8..in half-term
9..the pimlico balcony
and yet, check me out..still minty and unsmoked..
may the lord be praised.
so i have enjoyed london, which is alarming in itself.....not only that, i have considered, without laughing, the possibility that i could live here one day......i have also realised that all my rage towards the place has been a strange but not unique mixture of fear, lostness, and sheer exhaustion at the speed and busy-ness of the place.....have thereby decided that none of these reasons are good or fully deserved, and that not a one of them proceeeds from grace or jesus rationality in any way...i here would like to say sorry to the old dear for slagging her for so many years and ask if we may from now on be friends..(..providing i can live in pimlico..).....
i would also like to say that manchester from here seems shabby and old...and ever so nice...in a well-worn sofe kind of way....am oddly (although, it is where my cds are, so i guess not..) looking forward to getting back...
the speak day of action is tomorrow...i cannot say i am looking forward to it...am looking forward to being on the A556 though...
loveanna x x x
domingo, febrero 26, 2006
jueves, febrero 23, 2006
day twelve in the no-smoking big brother house..
so i think i have past the worst of the rage...
monday was awful, i hated everyone..that was day nine..
tuesday was pretty bad too, i was snappish. all day.
this was my breaking of personal best day.....all previous records now broken..
today i am well and not at all angry with the world. last night at the lovely apollo was tricky, but only in the sense that, like sal says, "the smoke makes me feel sick, but i'd still have one.." its true, i would, but it is gross.
feasting on nuts and vegtables, snacking on fine greenbeans and drinking more water than i had previously thought helpful, the daniel fast is progressing nicely. i am learning a great deal about how incapable i am of being nice without food, unless god is nice for me.
i do not mean, dear reader, to alarm you at my sudden bout of pious behaviour, it will pass..
and no doubt more quickly than it should
but really, its more of an excuse than anything..to explain that i won't go to pub til this thing is done, and i may not even drink after my 21 days are up, if it means i'll want to smoke. so the osborne and i are no more for now, which means i havne't seen matt and fran for weeks it seems....i think northenden has piked my friends...
this week is one of those wierd ones where you're away one weekend and then the following one too, and so feel like you're jsut washing clothes to pack them again, and seeing people just to tell them you won't be seeing them....complexitated...but soundcheck beckons and as much as i am not a woolly-tights-wearing vegetarian, i do have a soft spot for speak, and in particular misses cohen watto and housman ...and, naturellement, mr and mrs brocklehurst.
all this means, though, that london and i, are about to face the very real test of me without smoking. london rage, as many of you know, is a severe and surprising condition who's rapid onset takes no prisoners and leaves behind it no friends..london, in advance, i offer you my apologies.
jason mraz last night was good. his bad songs are so, so bad, but the good ones....oh.....kind of like the 'crows in that respect....zero percent interest with the big black guy on his djembe and singing harmony...that was my anthem of last winter and then last night it was a hundred better even than before...so he was definitely worth even the james blunt episode that followed. having said that...no, don't panic, i'm not converted, but i do think he's a nice chap, with a lovely speaking voice, a (at times) dubious singing voice, but really with songwriting ability, on the days he really means what he's writing about, that is heart-scrapingly good. no bravery is in my opinion the finest anti-war song since dylan and while i know not many have tried it in the interim, it is just a wonderful song.
the whole evening was a winning event though in the category of...watch sal come alive....i enjoyed that the most
it is rainy today
it is in fact, one of those days when manchester is eZackly like people who have never been to manchester imagine that it is like.
well done there
must dash, soup to be had..
sorry for my blogging tardiness...liz don't get so cross, all in good time my girl..
monday was awful, i hated everyone..that was day nine..
tuesday was pretty bad too, i was snappish. all day.
this was my breaking of personal best day.....all previous records now broken..
today i am well and not at all angry with the world. last night at the lovely apollo was tricky, but only in the sense that, like sal says, "the smoke makes me feel sick, but i'd still have one.." its true, i would, but it is gross.
feasting on nuts and vegtables, snacking on fine greenbeans and drinking more water than i had previously thought helpful, the daniel fast is progressing nicely. i am learning a great deal about how incapable i am of being nice without food, unless god is nice for me.
i do not mean, dear reader, to alarm you at my sudden bout of pious behaviour, it will pass..
and no doubt more quickly than it should
but really, its more of an excuse than anything..to explain that i won't go to pub til this thing is done, and i may not even drink after my 21 days are up, if it means i'll want to smoke. so the osborne and i are no more for now, which means i havne't seen matt and fran for weeks it seems....i think northenden has piked my friends...
this week is one of those wierd ones where you're away one weekend and then the following one too, and so feel like you're jsut washing clothes to pack them again, and seeing people just to tell them you won't be seeing them....complexitated...but soundcheck beckons and as much as i am not a woolly-tights-wearing vegetarian, i do have a soft spot for speak, and in particular misses cohen watto and housman ...and, naturellement, mr and mrs brocklehurst.
all this means, though, that london and i, are about to face the very real test of me without smoking. london rage, as many of you know, is a severe and surprising condition who's rapid onset takes no prisoners and leaves behind it no friends..london, in advance, i offer you my apologies.
jason mraz last night was good. his bad songs are so, so bad, but the good ones....oh.....kind of like the 'crows in that respect....zero percent interest with the big black guy on his djembe and singing harmony...that was my anthem of last winter and then last night it was a hundred better even than before...so he was definitely worth even the james blunt episode that followed. having said that...no, don't panic, i'm not converted, but i do think he's a nice chap, with a lovely speaking voice, a (at times) dubious singing voice, but really with songwriting ability, on the days he really means what he's writing about, that is heart-scrapingly good. no bravery is in my opinion the finest anti-war song since dylan and while i know not many have tried it in the interim, it is just a wonderful song.
the whole evening was a winning event though in the category of...watch sal come alive....i enjoyed that the most
it is rainy today
it is in fact, one of those days when manchester is eZackly like people who have never been to manchester imagine that it is like.
well done there
must dash, soup to be had..
sorry for my blogging tardiness...liz don't get so cross, all in good time my girl..
lunes, febrero 13, 2006
crash landing..
ok so the hysteria of the last post has subsided, and i have emerged from the wreckage feeling a lot more loved and a lot more peaceful. there were more people in my house yesterday probably than there have been at any one time since oria's leaving party, and while i found it odd and rather unsettling, once the praying started, it was just clear that god was there and loving us and we made a bit more headway into being the living, moving, breathing body that we are meant to be together. and it felt like family too, and i've been missing that
i gave up smoking, not going to harp on about it, but i do feel like once again its the chance to start something over, to treat my body better and show it a bit more love.
as for grace, not worried now...i will learn, and in fact have learned more of it since last writing. i hope to carry on learning about it.
thank you for the emails etc, you guys are lush..x
dan, when a ticket is in my hand, i'll let you know..x
i gave up smoking, not going to harp on about it, but i do feel like once again its the chance to start something over, to treat my body better and show it a bit more love.
as for grace, not worried now...i will learn, and in fact have learned more of it since last writing. i hope to carry on learning about it.
thank you for the emails etc, you guys are lush..x
dan, when a ticket is in my hand, i'll let you know..x
viernes, febrero 10, 2006
tell the truth as if it were lies
i don't know what that means..its the name of a song by kathryn williams
just been thinking about telling the truth.
and about how some people just know the truth about you, just know who you are....just know that you are not ok...
emma cowan came home yesterday...she's been gone three or four months.....she took one look at me and knew that i was not ok.
i talked to watto last night on the phone and before i knew it i was being more honest than i can remember being for years.
she already knew a lot of it i think
the people that really really know me aren't here any more. the people that know me here now, i love them, and they me, i think, but i don't feel very known....this is my fault.
a couple of weeks ago, i spent the evening with someone who i would class among my favourite people. turned out that my last year had almost entirely bypassed this person and they had no idea about what had bene going on since...well, since barcelona really.
the underneath truth of it is that facing up to how shit i feel and how shit things are in a lot of ways and how much i don't understand god and feel disappointed in him...its all so verging on self-pity, and also is horribly reminiscent of being depressed, which is something i have no desire to look into doing again...
the real truth is that i don't believe in god fixing or changing things. i know i believe it in theory, and i know that people have differing levels of believing this at different times....but i just don't. and as watto in all her wisdom cautiously asserted, maybe its a remnant from the catholic genes....? ..that strange mixture of self-reliance and self-doubt... that says - i made the mess, i have to clear it up...i spent the money, i have to pay the debts.....i screwed up the plans, i don't deserve any new ones...other people are always going to get things before you because they are nicer and holier....you'll always be watching people do what they want to do, from your desk with someone else's photocopying on it waiting to get done.
its quite a realisation for a thursday when half an hour before you were at book club with people from work at the rampant lion
i think that there must be a stage of life while in a cocoon, that hurts. where new limbs are growing and the cocoon isn't, or where there just isn't enough room to move around, and the wanting to get out gets worse and leaves the bug feeling suffocated and impatient.
i feel like that. i'm sorry this is all so dramatic, but i also think that wanting to not be emotional or intense so that certain people among my friends would still want to hang out with me, has helped to add to the months of not thinking honestly and clearly.
so....this is the truth for me right now. and god is near, he's at hand and ready to wade in and take over.....i think i just need to quit smoking
just been thinking about telling the truth.
and about how some people just know the truth about you, just know who you are....just know that you are not ok...
emma cowan came home yesterday...she's been gone three or four months.....she took one look at me and knew that i was not ok.
i talked to watto last night on the phone and before i knew it i was being more honest than i can remember being for years.
she already knew a lot of it i think
the people that really really know me aren't here any more. the people that know me here now, i love them, and they me, i think, but i don't feel very known....this is my fault.
a couple of weeks ago, i spent the evening with someone who i would class among my favourite people. turned out that my last year had almost entirely bypassed this person and they had no idea about what had bene going on since...well, since barcelona really.
the underneath truth of it is that facing up to how shit i feel and how shit things are in a lot of ways and how much i don't understand god and feel disappointed in him...its all so verging on self-pity, and also is horribly reminiscent of being depressed, which is something i have no desire to look into doing again...
the real truth is that i don't believe in god fixing or changing things. i know i believe it in theory, and i know that people have differing levels of believing this at different times....but i just don't. and as watto in all her wisdom cautiously asserted, maybe its a remnant from the catholic genes....? ..that strange mixture of self-reliance and self-doubt... that says - i made the mess, i have to clear it up...i spent the money, i have to pay the debts.....i screwed up the plans, i don't deserve any new ones...other people are always going to get things before you because they are nicer and holier....you'll always be watching people do what they want to do, from your desk with someone else's photocopying on it waiting to get done.
its quite a realisation for a thursday when half an hour before you were at book club with people from work at the rampant lion
i think that there must be a stage of life while in a cocoon, that hurts. where new limbs are growing and the cocoon isn't, or where there just isn't enough room to move around, and the wanting to get out gets worse and leaves the bug feeling suffocated and impatient.
i feel like that. i'm sorry this is all so dramatic, but i also think that wanting to not be emotional or intense so that certain people among my friends would still want to hang out with me, has helped to add to the months of not thinking honestly and clearly.
so....this is the truth for me right now. and god is near, he's at hand and ready to wade in and take over.....i think i just need to quit smoking
martes, febrero 07, 2006
like a nineties noah..
i would like to register several pieces of news and or information with you this evening...
1..i am very very glad that emma is coming home in a couple of days' time
2...i am glad i do not live so near jimbo's as fran or i believe i should eat food from there more often than would be advisable
3...iain went for an interview today for a job that would mean he would move out of the house...i can't think of one reason why he wouldn't or shouldn't get it, and so am feeling somewhat glum in advance of his almost certain imminent departure from nuestro hogar
4...i miss cate and ozme alot these days
5...having a new housemate called katie is good. she's lovely and from the west country
6...the garden idea is still there....i've faced up to alot of rolling eyes and yeah na good ones and ok yeahs lately, since voicing the idea to those around me and i have come to realise they have a point and that the whole wanting to be steadfast thing could maybe start with seeing one idea through to some sort of conclusion. i would like some flowers and honeysuckle and nice grass to be this conclusion in a few months' time. people at my work have been practising standing behind doors and fences for when the groundforce people are all waiting for me to come back from the shops to find my garden all done up and lovely, with tommy walsh and all grinning
7...i went for a lovely walk with drago ben and ric on sunday afternoon...something about sunday afternoon walks in fields always makes me feel more settled or just more like i know what i'm about
8...i got the wardrobe into my room that matches everything else and well i just sorted it all out a lot more. i like my room.
9. i miss jorge. i got an email from him which is the first one in about a year or maybe two and well, now i really know i miss him
10...ok i think that's it
no wait
11...i can't believe liz gets hair that good from wash and go....who knew?!
1..i am very very glad that emma is coming home in a couple of days' time
2...i am glad i do not live so near jimbo's as fran or i believe i should eat food from there more often than would be advisable
3...iain went for an interview today for a job that would mean he would move out of the house...i can't think of one reason why he wouldn't or shouldn't get it, and so am feeling somewhat glum in advance of his almost certain imminent departure from nuestro hogar
4...i miss cate and ozme alot these days
5...having a new housemate called katie is good. she's lovely and from the west country
6...the garden idea is still there....i've faced up to alot of rolling eyes and yeah na good ones and ok yeahs lately, since voicing the idea to those around me and i have come to realise they have a point and that the whole wanting to be steadfast thing could maybe start with seeing one idea through to some sort of conclusion. i would like some flowers and honeysuckle and nice grass to be this conclusion in a few months' time. people at my work have been practising standing behind doors and fences for when the groundforce people are all waiting for me to come back from the shops to find my garden all done up and lovely, with tommy walsh and all grinning
7...i went for a lovely walk with drago ben and ric on sunday afternoon...something about sunday afternoon walks in fields always makes me feel more settled or just more like i know what i'm about
8...i got the wardrobe into my room that matches everything else and well i just sorted it all out a lot more. i like my room.
9. i miss jorge. i got an email from him which is the first one in about a year or maybe two and well, now i really know i miss him
10...ok i think that's it
no wait
11...i can't believe liz gets hair that good from wash and go....who knew?!
viernes, febrero 03, 2006
if only there was a keyboard key with a small heart on it
see...i love simon amstell
he is my favourite tv presenter
and in this wonderful article about the sad, sad death of smash hits! magazine, finally, someone else makes the link between the humour found during the late 80's and early 90's in that wonderful publication, and this man who succeeds in making (what should be) one of the worst programmes on television, absolutely hilarious
read this article and then tell me popworld isn't the television equivalent of the rag of all our youths....
if it wasn't the rag of your youth.....ask yourself why...
he is my favourite tv presenter
and in this wonderful article about the sad, sad death of smash hits! magazine, finally, someone else makes the link between the humour found during the late 80's and early 90's in that wonderful publication, and this man who succeeds in making (what should be) one of the worst programmes on television, absolutely hilarious
read this article and then tell me popworld isn't the television equivalent of the rag of all our youths....
if it wasn't the rag of your youth.....ask yourself why...
jueves, febrero 02, 2006
i should have married tom goode..
i have almost lost friends over how much i love the good life
truth is, i love things that grow, and things that are green, and things that are fresh and that smell like god just that minute made them
there are so many community gardens in manchester....my little thing that i am organishing for peaceweek, my little project, is the idea of peace being gained and sought in community parks and gardens in the middle of stinky moss side and rusholme and longsight.......
i'm excited about it, but i kind of feel like i need to get my own hands dirty if i'm really going to get it myself, and then be even more excited about it. one of the coolest people i know is louise, who i work with at the blood bank. she is a trained horticulture type, who dug for years professionally, and a few months ago cried because her garden spade broke one weekend and she'd had it for about 20 years. i want to love a garden spade.
i know, i know, you all know me, and i won't do it, and i'll harp on about it for a while but then once the actual activity comes along, i will not bother and the idea and the excitement will slope off, entirely beaten by the legendary laziness of na......
please, please, if you love me at all, make me do it.....remind me to plant something, learn something, go, when they invite me to a meeting of the friends of platt fields park....campaign the council for some money and a man to fix up the sorry excuse for a bit of a community garden on my street....buy me a trowel....then i'll have to do it...
do it do it do it
and then maybe i'll give up smoking.....
truth is, i love things that grow, and things that are green, and things that are fresh and that smell like god just that minute made them
there are so many community gardens in manchester....my little thing that i am organishing for peaceweek, my little project, is the idea of peace being gained and sought in community parks and gardens in the middle of stinky moss side and rusholme and longsight.......
i'm excited about it, but i kind of feel like i need to get my own hands dirty if i'm really going to get it myself, and then be even more excited about it. one of the coolest people i know is louise, who i work with at the blood bank. she is a trained horticulture type, who dug for years professionally, and a few months ago cried because her garden spade broke one weekend and she'd had it for about 20 years. i want to love a garden spade.
i know, i know, you all know me, and i won't do it, and i'll harp on about it for a while but then once the actual activity comes along, i will not bother and the idea and the excitement will slope off, entirely beaten by the legendary laziness of na......
please, please, if you love me at all, make me do it.....remind me to plant something, learn something, go, when they invite me to a meeting of the friends of platt fields park....campaign the council for some money and a man to fix up the sorry excuse for a bit of a community garden on my street....buy me a trowel....then i'll have to do it...
do it do it do it
and then maybe i'll give up smoking.....
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