refresh

at just before five, just before leaving work for the night, i received an answer to my endless refreshing of my inbox...

an email, to me from the man

i do not know what to make of it.

the problem, i have now realised, is that while i was foolishly expecting a swift yes please or no thanks ... i neglected to remember that i hadn't actually asked a question..

so its not what you would call straight forward now, and in my relative inexperience of these matters, i had hoped for it to be otherwise.

explanations of my own identity and of how i came to meet him and who i am, now have to be offered....all the while hoping to avoid the fact that most people who meet someone for five minutes and then eight months later get round to contacting them again, would be considered quite, quite mad.

but, i do have a very nice book review on my hands. he enjoyed it, it seems, which is good, because on my current reading of it, am seeing that it is quite an odd book (see the mostly reading section..) that requires quite a bit of committment.

also, i should note that his command of the english language throughout the email was pleasing. very nice punctuation.

so there you are my loves, in sally's words " you thought you were leaving the ball in his court, but now its like, oh wait, there is no ball..!"

feel like a nervous wreck, but i do know that all the blogging in the world can't help me now, emails are the way forward, hopefully via the exact right words...(i have been firmly instructed by my advisors that i'm not allowed to email earlier than monday...apparently that's how it works....)

the end x

fyi..

in case you thought i was just getting careless in my old age, i am in fact still mostly listening to chronicles of a bohemian teenager by get cape, wear cape, fly...
it looks like i have just forgotten to update my mostly listening to, mais non, i assure you my friends, i really am enjoying it that much, six weeks or so into it....i cannot yet move on....lovely..

it is better to give..

..than to receive...
not right now..not with the waiting..
and the having to report back...
and the clock ticking, and the increasing trust in the lord..
actually, that last part is good...
i have this incredible peace and trust, from jesus, that whatever happens, i'll be fine...
that if nothing happens, no word comes, to reponse offered, no acknowledgment of receipt granted...i'll be fine...
my heart cannot break over this...if it falters slightly, or feels the weight of hopes dashed, i'll still be fine, because i risked my heart with jesus, and he'll reassemble whatever threatens to fall away, or will sooth the bruised ego of one who chronicled her valentine endeavours on here....or will keep threaded whatever of good has been added to her through the journey of nine months of wondering if she might have finally seen him...or if it was just a system failure..a red herring...a welcome hiccup...just a brief encounter..
we'll see...x

the morning report...

me: you there?
this just in:
post-valentine's report
one minute ago anthony called and said that The Man has contacted him, knowing that anthony is involved in the whole thing, (he is anthony's friend) and said -who is she i am going to email her-

johnnyhaines: hello
I'm here now
I was moving my printer
the leg of the table nerly came off
it's a very poorly built table

me: uhoh

johnnyhaines: SO, he's going to email you but he doesn't know who you are?
is that right?

me: yeah
so he called anthony saying i'd like to know her name so i can email her
cos my email address, being as my email address doesn't really tell you what my name is
he got it
he got the book
i am so nervous

johnnyhaines: isn't it exciting though?

me: also my coffee is stupidly strong this morning, which isn't helping

johnnyhaines: I'm excited

me: me too
and scared

johnnyhaines: naturally
it's a bit like skateboarding

me: go on..

johnnyhaines: you're not sure if you'll make the trick but if you don't fully commit you know you certainly won't make it

me: true enough

johnnyhaines: however, you may not fall flat on you face if you do fully commit

me: again, true

johnnyhaines: it's the fear that mkes it fun

me: right
the fear is the fun
got it
it doesn't feel fun
but i see where you're going with it

johnnyhaines: no, it tends not to at the time
I think getting over the fear is the good bit
in the analogy that would be the part where you either land the trick or land on you head

johnnyhaines: the fear is strangely worse than the fall

me: really? ok
john you are wise indeed
we'll see if it turns out that any of this holds up as things unfold...!

johnnyhaines: I hope it does

me: john i am going to copy this onto my blog so i can update the poor people whom i have dealt several cryptic posts over the last few days, and who now dearly deserve an update...

johnnyhaines: ok
go to it

me: thanks

get grumpy..

now, how often have you watched the news or read the paper and been enraged by some governmental decision that makes no sense, or that will adversely affect you or lots of people you know, or that is clearly just happening to save money...?
its you're me, this happens pretty much everyday
and i know that they didn't listen to everyone about iraq, and i know that by-and-large they are not to be trusted...but we only get to really tell politicians what we think of them once every four years...
however
there seems to be a certain weightyness about petitions lodged directly with number ten itself, and here they all are...
join one, start one, or just read a few and marvel at the awful decisions that ordinary people are trying to stop being made into legislation, that you have never even heard about, but you would never want to happen, if it were up to you..
well, it kind of is..

thankyou x

after work..

turns out the waiting is actually rather enjoyable..

the wait..

there is a chance that he got it before he left for work.
there is a chance that he has already read my hastily scribbled words.
there is a chance that he is at work and quietly grinning to himself.
there is a chance that he is at work and poised to respond.
there is a chance that his reponse will not be favourable.
there is a chance that his reponse might change my life.
there is a chance that i might have done the wrong thing.
there is a chance that it may have been the most blessed use i have ever made of the postal system.
there is a chance that he wont see it, or open it, or read it.....until after work...
but surely, after work is an eternity away?

unforgivable..

my goodness
what are we doing?
whatever it is, we're not doing it for the kids..

specifically, i have raised eyebrows concerning this part

% of central government expenditure (1994 - 2004) allocated to education: 4
% of central government expenditure (1994 - 2004) allocated to defence: 7

here we are again..

joyeux valentine's day, mes cheries..
je vous adore..!
thanks for loving me......!
xx

over..

oh holy mother...
no-one expects the chinese..on a boat..!

so finally i got to the end of 24 season5 and now have that slightly lost feeling....
glad i made it through, though

any one of you who is current with s6, do not talk, i repeat, do not talk..!

its been quite an exciting day..

home alone with jack..

its just me and jack bauer in at my place tonight, me, him and the ruination of the world, it would seem...thing is, there's always been a mole uncovered in the ctu building, and occasionally a political worm or two, but season five is plugged with them...its amazing...i swear, if it weren't for the the lord right now i would trust no-one.
the amazing thing about jack is, even when he's making odd/dangerous decisions, or doing things that you cannot understand, you still love him..you trust him, you know he'll win in the end
he's basically like dumbledore..
i have the sneakiest feeling that i may well be the first person ever to have drawn that rather special connection....!
yes.
i love jack
he' got magic 105 man, i'm telling you..and not even that wretched hungarian horntail could beat him on the temper scale...
at this point i'm really hoping that either
fiona
tim
or
fran
will come and back me up with this analogy..
although i'd put money on fran turning up her nose at our jack, all a bit unseemly!
anyway comrades, its only a few more episodes for me then i'm outta here, this strange voluntary trap i've been in this last week..i'll be free to go...its such a commitment...
i gotta go, jack's about to get arrested..again..
night loves x

film 2007

so i have just watched a film which has thoroughly depressed me, and i thought i'd like to talk about it, in an attempt to figure out why..
its a horrible thing, when the two people you have just watched a film with, turn round at the end and seem to have been kind of enthalled with it, when all you can think is, goodness, i'm glad that's over...
the last kiss, with zach braff, summer from the OC and a small but very welcome contribution from tom wilkinson...
i would describe it as an unfunny, slightly dull, very predictable, american version of love actually....insomuch that it follows the love-lives and break-ups and fall-outs of a set of people who are all connected and whose lives begin unravelling at the same time, so that they are rendered mostly unable to help eachother..
i found it so sad, partly because the people in it are mostly far too young to be having mid-life crises, and partly because they just make really shit decisions..
i think how it has left me feeling, is that i don't even want to be in love or get married, if those are the inevitable, or excuseable or most likely pitfalls. it seems like fear wins out over love, and to be honest, i think that above pretty much anything else, that is an idea i find hardest to stomach.
the others loved the film..they saw the redemption and the hope, but i felt like the film was saying, its ok for these things to happen, the affairs and the fleeing responsibility and whatever else, beecause it'll all work out in the end.
i know what you're thinking, come on lady, that's what grace is all about...but i have to confess, i think i am still naive enough to think that grace also means we also have the hope that we can walk away, and not let fear control us in the first place.
the people in the film are all so afraid..of being stuck, of not being able to see things through, of having their lives controlled by decisions they only half-made or extenal things that they can't undo...
there is a fatalistic feeling about it that i hate, that no matter how much you have love or know love, fear will still dictate to you
my mood and lack of sleep over this last week have probably contributed to my perceptions of the movie...so if you liked it, i'm sorry for the tirade..if you haven't seen it, ignore this and lets just hope i get some better sleep soon...!

fns..

so i forgot to tell you about last friday night..
me, cate and caleb found ourselves once more footloose and fancy free on a friday evening
deciding that a second attempt on the cloud bar was now several months overdue, we went back to our respective homes at about 9 and got ready to be allowed into the hilton.
and we did it! we went in and waited on the red carpet for the escalator, and there, 20 feet inside the building it had already become clear that we were going to have to explain to caleb the concept of nouveaux riche...the people that go there are just the kind of people that i, snobbishly, ungraciously or whatever, have been happy to be avoiding, on the whole, for the last approximately 10 years...it was very, very funny, realising again that these people really are real, that they go places to be seen, and to see who else is going..i kept wondering how many of the turned heads around the room were recognising caleb from the MEN a few days before..!
but the view...
it was so worth it all, for the view..all four sides of the 23rd floor...imagine, that's only half-way up the building! the view is awesome....
so we proceeded with our Friday Night Singles meeting, hot topics included anonymous valentines...what can they ever hope to achieve? and that kind of thing...
anyway, it was ace, we left there and went to somewhere where we felt much more at home, some smoky gross pub with pool and magners and that as lovely..in a different way!
anyway, i recommend the cloud bar, for the view, the strange seats and the fake-tan giro jet-set...
thanks guys it was a really fun evening...x

sunday, sunday..

i would like to personally thank everyone who has helped make this a lovely sunday for me..
all entirely unplanned and unexpected, none of it wildly adventurous or extraordinary, but the sunday blues sometimes come, and i wish for family and home....i know that today the blues had no place, i was at home and with family..

merci beaucoup, mes amis...

i love blogging at home...am at the balcony not the toilet though sal, sorry! you know as well as i do that that one will never happen!

so here's to another week...ius sure to be a good one..

peace to you, mes cheries...night...x

if its between me and larry,

i win.
right now, am even happier than larry.
am in my bed.
its sunday morning, so naturally the archer's omnibus is on.
i have a large cup of coffee (its my second)
what's so abnormally good about that? i hear you ask...
note: i'm in my bed.
this can only mean one thing.
i got internet..!
oh and not just any old internet, the kind when i will now be able to blog from all sorts of places in the building...the bath...the balcony, the stairwell, the kitchen table, the flat roof at the front, MY NEW SOFA.
i could go on..
yes, yesterday was a brilliant day. in one morning i received: a replacement sim card for my stolen phone, a usb wireless adaptor, and a sofa. i was later given a phone AND i shopped in asda for the kind of food quantity that means i pretty much now don't need to go anywhere for about a month..except maybe work...
am excited.
i plan to be a better blogger, a more regular emailer, a back-to-better-form reader of books, and am trying to figure out the mythical realms of ichat usage for windows, via aol login and any help in this area would be much appreciated.
i also made food last night which i'm sure only katie hall could have appreciated as much as it deserved, so thankfully it was her who rocked up at my door just as i was cutting up the salmon...i've been trying to think this last week (for some reason boycotting any kind of recipe aides..!) how to make food that would remind me of cataluña.
(disappears to find a nice example picture..)
(gives up, and kicks herself for still having five films undeveloped of the 40 days in bcn, including all the nice food at ra, which was her favourite place..)
and i did it..! salmon and tomatoey sauce, with loads of garlic and spice and then lots of different kinds of beans and yellow split peas and some lentils...ahhh it was so good..! and i was transported back for a minute or two..
and to think i used to hate cooking.

well dears, i'm afraid you can expect more of these mildly pointless posts now that i can blog whenever i jolly well like...!
i can only apologise now...and later, i'll probably be back later..

come and sit on my new sofa, its lovely...!

gggrrrrrrrrrrr

someone stole my phone.
am furious.
i have no phone so please don't spend your pennies texting me, or your worries thinking i don't love if i haven't replied to those you've already sent..
will let you know when i have a new one..x

more grace, less speed..

i suck at my job today.
i realise that sitting here spending all of four minutes doesn't improve that fact, but its true and i wanted to say it.
when people push me, like want more than we are usually prepared to offer in the line of furniture, clothes, food, whatever, the general wisdom is that there is no general wisdom, no rules, no regulations, you go with what that person needs and what their individually dire circumstances happen to be that day.
what i have realised today is that probably over the last three months or so, i have back-pedalled from that in my head, to thoughts of, no, you'll have what you're given, or things similarly awful.
i am horrified at myself for my reluctance to be nice.
i feel constantly that people are taking the piss out of us, out of me, and i hear myself saying no alot more than i hear anyone else saying it.
its probably a necessary stage in the learning how to deal with the poor crash course i stupidly signed myself up for by taking on this job, but i just wish for this afternoon that i could be nice again.

reverse phiosophy..

this post is most definitely in the "who knew" category.
(please see below)
since june 2005, when claire b (then h) and myself went to see stoney in cardiff (we were both living at our homes in the west country at the time, nothing so drastically committed as going all that way from manchester and london!). we saw them, they were ace, had a chat with jon after, and watched some random band who stoney were supporting, and then looked at eachother and agreed they were shit, so went home. about three months later that very same band were the firs ever to have an album do brilliantly because of downloads and word of mouth and generally avoiding the man.
since that welsh summer evening i have stood my ground with my original decision, and bar slight allowances for maybe one song, have declared them to be shit.
but today, having curiously decided to put the album onto my phone and dedicate my morning to journey about town to investigating it, i concluded that i need to confess my stupidity
the arctic monkeys are good...
they're really good...

so the other hundreds of things that i have used my perverse philosophy of "if that many people like it, it can't be good" on, include...
corrine bailey rae
24 (well and truly over it)
star wars
kaiser chiefs
kasabian
harry potter (thanks tim for getting me past that one early on!)
ray le montagne (over it..thanks drago..)
camera phones (what a knob!)
oasis (except b-sides, generally crap)
my space (still not over that one, although this facebook business is clearly of the same ilk..)
football (hoping not to get over that one..)
big brother (lynch me if i do)

i could go on...
so i am getting over being a snob about things, basically....it hurts!

nightcleaning..

is probably not quite so enjoyable as nightswimming, and yet i seem to have developed a certain love of it...
it involves doing not much for most of your evening. nothing, at all, preferably, just mooching, pottering or sitting.
and then finally, at around nine, half-nine, you find yourself putting some washing on...and cleaning up the kitchen after the chaos created by making dinner has sat there for a couple of hours..including about two-to-three rounds of washing-up, with necessary dryings-up in between...its all getting a bit out of hand at this point, as you find yourself enjoying it...john mayer is accompanying, and the occasional cigarette provides a welcome break..and then you might think about putting all your clean clothes away, sorting laundry, and maybe putting up a picture or two...and then it seems that the bin in the kitchen needs to be emptied..and no, it can't wait til tomorrow...you won't want to do it tomorrow, and you know that, deep down..so you do it now...its pushing half-ten at this stage, and you know there is a slight chance that bin-mongering at this hour may well either arouse the suspicion of your neighbours, or in the worst case scenario, wake them up...but you toddle off down all those stairs anyway, seizing that bin-emptying moment for all its worth..and then bath-cleaning, mirror-polishing, dressing-table-re-organising and cooker-top scrubbing are all still on offer....and hard to resist, when the hair is already tied back, the clothes already quite dishevelled, and the night yet young...
needless to say, i missed the book at bedtime, only getting to bed when today at westminster had already started - oops....
but my house is clean, really clean...
do come round..x

any answers...

a great woman once asked - what is it that makes community break down and fail individuals....?- and then invited discussion.

i found myself with a wry grin on my face..only of the slight variety, as i thought back over the years of church-as-family..the crying and the eating and the babysitting and the hilltops and the movie-watching and bible-reading and tea-making and going-out-dancing and the frankly just getting on with things

and i thought, i wouldn't change it for the world....sure, there's more - more sharing, more truth-telling, more babies on the way, more friends to be made and more lives to be lead....
but as the poem says, -even with all its sham and drudgery and broken dreams- community really is a wonderful thing, when your heart's in it.

and when it isn't? i hear you ponder, quietly...
well dears, when it (one's heart) isn't in it, it still must be somewhere...your heart isn't capable of being nowhere.....its the wellspring, and sometimes we redirect it, as per the free will clause, and after time, find that we've allowed it to spring up in the murky caves of isolation, or in the puddle-reflected brightlights of fast-moving careers, or in the seabed of the wrong person, or in an island we never expected to call home, or in a lakeside life that is, frankly, dull..... we get to choose. and sometimes we choose to unchoose what we've chosen, but one thing that i really think is this..
more often than not, we are the cause of our being failed by community. i have "been failed" by community at, and being honest here, only at, the times when i've let my own wellspring bubble up in the grey, motionless lake of self-pity. it goes like this..i feel no-one loves me - so i don't ask for love - so when its offered i'm out of the habit of accepting it - so i forget its even available - then i get to forgetting i want it - then i forget i physically can't get by without it - then around this point god usually steps up and drags the wellspring kicking and screaming back to its preferred home at the estuary of hope, where life is open, and can go in all directions, but at all times springs from a place that allows for possibility, for mistakes and upsets, for the -oooooh, interestings- of life....

this place, for me, is in community. i love the family that god has gifted me with here, and although i sometimes neglect or belittle or misrepresent it, when i'm not doing those things, i try to hold it like a fragile glass while still washing it up, or like a small bird that wants to fly but really needs a splint putting on its leg, or like poppy hughes who wants to stand up so badly that she forgot to hold on to the sofa....it really hurt....! sorry i wasn't quick enough pops...

in a way that for me is scarily reminiscent of the tie that binds me to jesus, the ties of community are built of beautifully fragile stuff...human love...and all its pulsing and frothing and dumbing down and boxing in and forgetfulness and time spent apart...

but the tie that binds me to jesus is not this. not for his part. for his part it is built of the finest web, oaklike roots and heaven's own cable-ties. he cannot let go of me, its not an option for him. when i re-route my own wellspring, (and yes i realise i'm lighting far too many metaphor fires here to possibly be able to keep them all going..!) it is not his fault. but sometimes i blame him. other times i re-route it, i blame people around me, but it is not their fault either. yet every time, because of the years passed and meals shared and truths-owned, they forgive me and take me back. and so does he. i now have a tear or two in my eye as i consider this life that he has created for me, and i cannot thank him enough. it amazes me that i can know charis and lucy, and becca, and matt and fran, and caleb and sal and joshua and oh my goodness.....how did i ever get to here....? its because people taught me about jesus in the spring and summer of 2000, and the winters of the four following years, and in the summer of 2006....months and seasons gone, choc-a-block with learning of jesus together, and persisting in love.

i need a cup of tea now...x

passtimes: an observation..

no-one has hobbies anymore
its true. if its not true, no-one calls them hobbies, so its still actually true...
people just do things, they just get on with them, and those things seem to be more incorporated into the rest of their lives than hobbies used to be.
its just an observation. i never promised it would be good!

anerchiadau chan gwrymiau

am in wales...!
the above is a welsh salutation, in a ..haha, i'm in wales..kind of way...
chez hugs, am content..with a coffee, the remains of a large glass of red wine, delicious dinner a short while ago, and sal, jon and ellie around, chatting away, talking wales, work, coffee, babies, cafés and relocating to the country...
a fine, fine way to spend a friday au fin du semaine...am ever so glad to be here.
with love, from windy wales, and all present...x

beggars belief

http://www.manchester.gov.uk/housing/research/chomerough.htm

and, to accompany that, one of the best things you could spend a day or two reading..