last night my dad went up in the loft to find something, and came back down with boxes of things so familiar to me, it was as if a 13 year old na had been hidden up there, and he'd found her.
oh man, the hours that followed i spent reading, laughing, really laughing, viv-thornton laughing....
the box of letters, notes, secrets and epic sagas written and passed between myself and friends in class.....talking about what we'd do at lunch...or what we had done at lunch..mainly involved finding the best vantage point from which to stare at certain boys..naming not one name here..they had code names anyway...journals covered on one side with the beatles' picture and the other thom yorke's...mixed tapes...ballet shoes...dt coursework...school tie..earrings...oh lord..but there is one thing that has left me giggling inwardly all day..ok..i'm not sure how to tell this one..bear with me..it was primarily on the part of my sister (the box was half her stuff too) but i believe i had initially led her into it.....and the evidence was all uncovered in that one box.....we sat on my bed last night, in pyjamas, laughing until we felt sick......i can't believe i'm about to blog this..it was 1994 man, there's no excuse for it i know, but well it was a boyzone thing.
i hid it, really quite well, i think.....i loved blur, i was at mile end.....i screamed country house at anyone who was rooting for roll with it, i looked like the hippy my mother had been in '72...i wore my hair in two plaits and a doctor marten on each foot..(yeah yeah they were still cool then). and yet this secret lurked, all the while, threatening to expose me as a fraudulent 'alternative' type. i loved shane lynch, he was my favourite...fiona loved keith duffy....well, at least my one isn't now in coronation street..
so there you are, i could elaborate. i won't
it passed, by the end of fifth year...then sixth form came along with all the boys, cigarettes, essays on the cuban missile crisis and virginia woolf you can imagine...they were happier days, i had no musically-criminal secrets to keep guarded any longer. it was 1997 and we only knew good music. as miss w will attest, music has not been that good since, so i was safe from having to look elsewhere, i mean not only was the music good, those indie boys were lush.....man, hands up who's favourite year was 1997..
jueves, mayo 26, 2005
lunes, mayo 23, 2005
vertigo
"uno, dos, tres, catorce..."
this means
"one, two, three, fourteen.."
why is it that we hear what we want to, or perhaps what makes the most sense to us, our assumumptions must make up a large part of what we hear or think.
anyway i've been assuming god was gone, or cross or not arsed. turns out he meant four.
this means
"one, two, three, fourteen.."
why is it that we hear what we want to, or perhaps what makes the most sense to us, our assumumptions must make up a large part of what we hear or think.
anyway i've been assuming god was gone, or cross or not arsed. turns out he meant four.
viernes, mayo 20, 2005
today, i fell in love..
with these people..
i've never read an article about a band and loved them so immediately
haven't heard them yet..
even so, this morning, on the 94 bus, thanks to the friday review, i fell in love..
i've never read an article about a band and loved them so immediately
haven't heard them yet..
even so, this morning, on the 94 bus, thanks to the friday review, i fell in love..
viernes, mayo 13, 2005
es mas de una senda que el camino..
flights are now booked to santiago de compostela..if you want to look it up, just google it for images, and look at the wonder that is a really beautiful city, dare i say it, even in the rain..
i'm so excited to be going back - and with celine! and for my birthday!
thanks god
i'm so excited to be going back - and with celine! and for my birthday!
thanks god
jueves, mayo 12, 2005
empathic understanding..
This evening I attended Session 3 of my Introduction to Counselling Skills course..Regular readers will know that Capitalisation is not usually part of my blogging register, but I just feel like them today.
We studied empathy this evening. Its such a strange thing to talk about - something so vastly abstract and so indefinable, it was good for me linguistically if nothing else. It really did make me wonder though, why the word doesn't really appear in the Bible. It seems to me like such a Godful emotion, and surely a founding principle in so many things such as mercy, compassion, love and also intercession. How interesting that we live in such a time as this, that psycho-babble and spiritual principles can overlap in such a way that so much of what we believe actually is being expressed in places like the seminar room this evening, just without anyone actually talking about Jesus.
Am still enjoying God's company.
That's about all for now, I think.
We studied empathy this evening. Its such a strange thing to talk about - something so vastly abstract and so indefinable, it was good for me linguistically if nothing else. It really did make me wonder though, why the word doesn't really appear in the Bible. It seems to me like such a Godful emotion, and surely a founding principle in so many things such as mercy, compassion, love and also intercession. How interesting that we live in such a time as this, that psycho-babble and spiritual principles can overlap in such a way that so much of what we believe actually is being expressed in places like the seminar room this evening, just without anyone actually talking about Jesus.
Am still enjoying God's company.
That's about all for now, I think.
miércoles, mayo 11, 2005
who knew..?!
ok look, if you have ever heard me say "who knew?!" in response to something i've not heard/known before, please let me know. hewo was insistent all weekend that its like one of my pet phrases, and that it always reminds her of me when someone else says it. is wear i have no recollection of saying it ever, let alonge all the time..
bizarre
but..i'd like to say it now..!
who knew weetabix actually tasted of anything?
in the new world dietary order of me, weetabix are the essential start to everyday, and without sugar, it turns out they have a taste all their own..who knew? not me that's for sure, this morning i was like, mum, did you know!? yes darling...good one na
so things with me and god are good. no, no weetabix related analogy. give me time..
i think i get him a bit more, like i can see now that loving him is the most important thing, and that stages of the journey with him are about gradual discovery and slow but steady increasing obedience and commitment....i think i tried for years to catch up, like everyone i knew was so far ahead of me, so i always had these standards, like points to reach before i could know a certain thing, or understand another. but always in the light of other people and how they related to god. and so often living my life with him, in such close connection to the lives and loves of others, that i never quite knew what was my understanding of him or what he was telling just me, blurred in the community of believers that share thoughts and walks. but now its like we're just friends, like i want him around and i don't care if we don't have a chaperone. i know he knows what he's doing with me.
don't be mistaken, dear reader..i sound giddy, but i'm not.
just quietly glad, and steadily figuring that staying still in him is what i want to do with my time just now.
bizarre
but..i'd like to say it now..!
who knew weetabix actually tasted of anything?
in the new world dietary order of me, weetabix are the essential start to everyday, and without sugar, it turns out they have a taste all their own..who knew? not me that's for sure, this morning i was like, mum, did you know!? yes darling...good one na
so things with me and god are good. no, no weetabix related analogy. give me time..
i think i get him a bit more, like i can see now that loving him is the most important thing, and that stages of the journey with him are about gradual discovery and slow but steady increasing obedience and commitment....i think i tried for years to catch up, like everyone i knew was so far ahead of me, so i always had these standards, like points to reach before i could know a certain thing, or understand another. but always in the light of other people and how they related to god. and so often living my life with him, in such close connection to the lives and loves of others, that i never quite knew what was my understanding of him or what he was telling just me, blurred in the community of believers that share thoughts and walks. but now its like we're just friends, like i want him around and i don't care if we don't have a chaperone. i know he knows what he's doing with me.
don't be mistaken, dear reader..i sound giddy, but i'm not.
just quietly glad, and steadily figuring that staying still in him is what i want to do with my time just now.
lunes, mayo 09, 2005
isn't there a song about glorious mud?
so yesterday was my favourite day for ages. i went to visit claire this weekend, in bath, and we got spoiled by her parents and sat in the summer house (i know not one other person who has a summer house) and talked. and talked. then yesterday morning we ventured over to hope. arrived late, got coffee, split the last bagel, and generally felt relaxed. at church.
so we stayed all day. in the afternoon we went to our favourite place in bristol, boston tea party, had coffee and talked in spanish...it can't be hard to see why this was my favrourite day for ages, surely..?
we went back to hope to go to this prayer thing...i think its like their new prayer school they're starting.
and i was still scared of god. i knew he wanted to change something for me, right then, but i was really scared because i realised as i stood there trying to pray that i'd kind of forgotten how...
so i backtracked to the day before, in the summer house, and this is why that helped..
claire and i were talking, about me and god, and how i felt so far from him, that i'd been awol from him for many months..etc, and she just in that great way of hers made it all a lot simpler: na,you want god don't you? yes. You don't feel any desperate need for him in any one particular area though right now, do you? no. and you don't feel emotionally needy towards him or emotionally screwed up by confusion concerning him? no. so..what's your problam? for ages you've wanted a relationship with god that wasn't based on your feelings or needs, but was boiled down to the fact that you still know life with him to be better than life without him. i guess. so
there i am, at church, with quite a few people i love in the room, and i realised she was right. that things aren't actually that bad. that really i haven't strayed that far, and that well, i'd got what i wished for.
he got me on my own, the last six months, and i think i can see why now.
so we stayed all day. in the afternoon we went to our favourite place in bristol, boston tea party, had coffee and talked in spanish...it can't be hard to see why this was my favrourite day for ages, surely..?
we went back to hope to go to this prayer thing...i think its like their new prayer school they're starting.
and i was still scared of god. i knew he wanted to change something for me, right then, but i was really scared because i realised as i stood there trying to pray that i'd kind of forgotten how...
so i backtracked to the day before, in the summer house, and this is why that helped..
claire and i were talking, about me and god, and how i felt so far from him, that i'd been awol from him for many months..etc, and she just in that great way of hers made it all a lot simpler: na,you want god don't you? yes. You don't feel any desperate need for him in any one particular area though right now, do you? no. and you don't feel emotionally needy towards him or emotionally screwed up by confusion concerning him? no. so..what's your problam? for ages you've wanted a relationship with god that wasn't based on your feelings or needs, but was boiled down to the fact that you still know life with him to be better than life without him. i guess. so
there i am, at church, with quite a few people i love in the room, and i realised she was right. that things aren't actually that bad. that really i haven't strayed that far, and that well, i'd got what i wished for.
he got me on my own, the last six months, and i think i can see why now.
viernes, mayo 06, 2005
blogging at work..
yes that's right, blogging on company time..although i suppose its really taxpayers' time..ah well..my contribution to society is as follows
thanks for the calls to blog, i have been aware of my neglect and cannot truly say it has been accidental.
i'm stuck in some pretty severe muddy mud. and we're not talking glastonbury, *oh the sun will be out in a couple of hours then we'll all dry off and anyway then we'lll be home in a couple of days and we can shower..oh and bothered because look, there's the brand new heavies..*
or even the other kind of glastonbury mud that provokes the most rage i can recall feeling - the kind that makes you think *this is the exact opposite of where i would like to be right now*
nol, not that kind of mud at all
on the other hand..
neither is it the miry clay of psalm 40. nothing half so dramatic or story-worthy.
the fact is, i think i've decided that in answer to jack black's wonderfully-put rhetorical question in high fidelity, *it is better to burn out than to fade away?* unfortunately i think the latter chose me instead of me thinking clearly enough to opt for either.
i'm talking of course about god.
there has not been a conscious decision to stop talking to him,. nor has there been some new theological, grouded rationale behind this temporary separation. but it has happened, and is still happening. i cannot find the inclination to go to him nor the resignation to decidly walk away. that's kind of like mud, isn't it....a naturally occuring phenomenon that if unheeded can encase or at least entrap you before you know it. it was once something else - soil, clay, bits of crap, but rain came or something and while you were minding your own business doing something else....(working hard, paying debts, not going insane, watching the oc, seeing friends, not blogging, etc....) it turned to mud and now you're screwed.
not irrevocably, of course..
other than that, life is pretty good. my counselling course is full of grumpy old women at counselling, its pretty hilarious. i'm learning more about renewable energy, more about why the people i work for are so opposed to windfarms, and finding myself loving the great benevolent machines (the wind turbines, that is, not the inner workings of the civil service..) more than ever after my trip to cornwall at the weekend. i'm also learning about why some countries just are poor. *the end of poverty* by jeffrey sachs is more or less just an easier to read version of *development as freedom*, but lets face it, the same book can get written over and over under different names and from different continents' perspectives, it doesn't matter, as long as more and more people are reading them each time one gets published.
i have very much enjoyed the election. particularly polly toynbee's idea of going to the polls with a peg on your nose because you have to vote labour as a progressive, social-thinking person, but the stink of the war taking any pleasure out of seeing tony and gordo back at the helm. i do think they are right for the country right now, and i think they have policies of the last five years that need another five years to be proven useful and beneficial. interruptions not needed at present, i feel. so well done britain, you have voted them back in even though it hurt. what a glorious day for free will. OHH and i watched *garden state* last night, and while i hate to be the last of my friends to start raving about something (so i won't), suffice to say, its wonderful. can't believe its the same idiot out of scrubs. acting works..
chaps i'm off, i really should work, much love to you all.
thanks for the calls to blog, i have been aware of my neglect and cannot truly say it has been accidental.
i'm stuck in some pretty severe muddy mud. and we're not talking glastonbury, *oh the sun will be out in a couple of hours then we'll all dry off and anyway then we'lll be home in a couple of days and we can shower..oh and bothered because look, there's the brand new heavies..*
or even the other kind of glastonbury mud that provokes the most rage i can recall feeling - the kind that makes you think *this is the exact opposite of where i would like to be right now*
nol, not that kind of mud at all
on the other hand..
neither is it the miry clay of psalm 40. nothing half so dramatic or story-worthy.
the fact is, i think i've decided that in answer to jack black's wonderfully-put rhetorical question in high fidelity, *it is better to burn out than to fade away?* unfortunately i think the latter chose me instead of me thinking clearly enough to opt for either.
i'm talking of course about god.
there has not been a conscious decision to stop talking to him,. nor has there been some new theological, grouded rationale behind this temporary separation. but it has happened, and is still happening. i cannot find the inclination to go to him nor the resignation to decidly walk away. that's kind of like mud, isn't it....a naturally occuring phenomenon that if unheeded can encase or at least entrap you before you know it. it was once something else - soil, clay, bits of crap, but rain came or something and while you were minding your own business doing something else....(working hard, paying debts, not going insane, watching the oc, seeing friends, not blogging, etc....) it turned to mud and now you're screwed.
not irrevocably, of course..
other than that, life is pretty good. my counselling course is full of grumpy old women at counselling, its pretty hilarious. i'm learning more about renewable energy, more about why the people i work for are so opposed to windfarms, and finding myself loving the great benevolent machines (the wind turbines, that is, not the inner workings of the civil service..) more than ever after my trip to cornwall at the weekend. i'm also learning about why some countries just are poor. *the end of poverty* by jeffrey sachs is more or less just an easier to read version of *development as freedom*, but lets face it, the same book can get written over and over under different names and from different continents' perspectives, it doesn't matter, as long as more and more people are reading them each time one gets published.
i have very much enjoyed the election. particularly polly toynbee's idea of going to the polls with a peg on your nose because you have to vote labour as a progressive, social-thinking person, but the stink of the war taking any pleasure out of seeing tony and gordo back at the helm. i do think they are right for the country right now, and i think they have policies of the last five years that need another five years to be proven useful and beneficial. interruptions not needed at present, i feel. so well done britain, you have voted them back in even though it hurt. what a glorious day for free will. OHH and i watched *garden state* last night, and while i hate to be the last of my friends to start raving about something (so i won't), suffice to say, its wonderful. can't believe its the same idiot out of scrubs. acting works..
chaps i'm off, i really should work, much love to you all.
miércoles, abril 06, 2005
old friends, bookends..
last night i read something which, as i'm just trying to let god sort me out and get me and him back together again, struck me as manna from amazon. it had arrived, in a book, yesterday, one little chapter, not even two pages...and it struck me..
here it is...
"Your true identity is as a child of god. This is the identity you have to accept. Once you have claimed it and settled in it, you can live in a world that gives you much joy as well as pain. You can receive the praise as well as the blame that comes to you, as an opportunity for strengthening your basic identity, because the identity that makes you free is anchored beyond all human praise and blame. You belong to god and it is as a child of god that you are sent into the world.
you need spiritual guidance, you need people who can keep you anchored in your true identity. The temptation to disconnect from that deep place in you where god dwells, and to let yourself be drowned in the praise or blame of the world always remains.
Since that deep place in you where your identity as a child of god is rooted has been unknown to you for a long time, those who were able to touch you there had a sudden and overwhelming power over you. They became part of your identity. you could no longer live without them. But they could not fulfil that divine role, so they left you, and you felt abandoned. But it is precisely that experience of abandonment that called you back to your true identity as a child of god."
a public admittance, it would seem, of past error on my part, with more than one friendship in mind, and apologies long overdue. I do think now that since god is in charge and since he is allowing me passage into the depths of belonging with him, that all has been for gain. his gain, and hopefully soon, mine, of sorts..
i miss people in manchester. i am concerned that more friendships than i had expected are now dormant, and yet i cannot find it in me to be the only one to pursue them - unreturned calls, unreplied-to emails, generally out-of-loop-ness...particularly in light of the above excerpt. i am in a place of trust with god again for the first time in 2005 really, and am finding new hope in the idea of being one of the family, the original family of three. i both need and want people to walk with, but dear reader, i have roots to put down with god which must not be waylaid or delayed. as much as i miss old friends, and community, i miss him more. and that's a first for me, so i'm going with it..
here it is...
"Your true identity is as a child of god. This is the identity you have to accept. Once you have claimed it and settled in it, you can live in a world that gives you much joy as well as pain. You can receive the praise as well as the blame that comes to you, as an opportunity for strengthening your basic identity, because the identity that makes you free is anchored beyond all human praise and blame. You belong to god and it is as a child of god that you are sent into the world.
you need spiritual guidance, you need people who can keep you anchored in your true identity. The temptation to disconnect from that deep place in you where god dwells, and to let yourself be drowned in the praise or blame of the world always remains.
Since that deep place in you where your identity as a child of god is rooted has been unknown to you for a long time, those who were able to touch you there had a sudden and overwhelming power over you. They became part of your identity. you could no longer live without them. But they could not fulfil that divine role, so they left you, and you felt abandoned. But it is precisely that experience of abandonment that called you back to your true identity as a child of god."
a public admittance, it would seem, of past error on my part, with more than one friendship in mind, and apologies long overdue. I do think now that since god is in charge and since he is allowing me passage into the depths of belonging with him, that all has been for gain. his gain, and hopefully soon, mine, of sorts..
i miss people in manchester. i am concerned that more friendships than i had expected are now dormant, and yet i cannot find it in me to be the only one to pursue them - unreturned calls, unreplied-to emails, generally out-of-loop-ness...particularly in light of the above excerpt. i am in a place of trust with god again for the first time in 2005 really, and am finding new hope in the idea of being one of the family, the original family of three. i both need and want people to walk with, but dear reader, i have roots to put down with god which must not be waylaid or delayed. as much as i miss old friends, and community, i miss him more. and that's a first for me, so i'm going with it..
sábado, marzo 19, 2005
the march family is altogether again
the most successful (possibly the only successful) overseas travel venture that any of my parents' children has yet undertaken came to an end on thursday. and what a st patrick's day was had by one and all including a very tired fiona who we kept staring at and poking to make sure she was real.
so we've got her back, and i'm so glad.
things are much as ever, other than that
i mainly spend my days waiting for the next episode of the oc, and trying to maintain my cover as a christian. its not going very well. no, the oc is, its brilliant, but as for the other thing...not so much. its odd how certain things make sense in the context of specific people and places. outside of those perimeters, the all-consuming take on christianity that i theoretically profess doesn't somehow fit.
no, i'm not having a crisis.
i am having a couple of questions. and this time, i'm choosing not to bypass them.
is it really more than just loving people and hoping for the world to change, and doing within ones own capabilities and aspirations whatever one can do see that change come about? is it really any more than loving your family, seeking out friends and living life with them, and knowing that god is real and also good. do i really need to stand up, in front of him, or anyone, and say i'm doing this. i'm doing this for him and can you all commission me and pray for me everyday so that it works? i believe god is the one who makes things work. he makes things make sense. and makes life move along at his pace.
is he really happy for me to use him as my route to an exciting life?
excitement is inescapably subjective and individually found.
how many of us would end up doing the exciting things we want to do in life if we weren't christians? wouldn't we have wanted to do them anyway?
how many of those activities and travels are really bringing god out of people?
and isn't that the whole point?
once more ladies and gentlemen, answers on a postcard...
so we've got her back, and i'm so glad.
things are much as ever, other than that
i mainly spend my days waiting for the next episode of the oc, and trying to maintain my cover as a christian. its not going very well. no, the oc is, its brilliant, but as for the other thing...not so much. its odd how certain things make sense in the context of specific people and places. outside of those perimeters, the all-consuming take on christianity that i theoretically profess doesn't somehow fit.
no, i'm not having a crisis.
i am having a couple of questions. and this time, i'm choosing not to bypass them.
is it really more than just loving people and hoping for the world to change, and doing within ones own capabilities and aspirations whatever one can do see that change come about? is it really any more than loving your family, seeking out friends and living life with them, and knowing that god is real and also good. do i really need to stand up, in front of him, or anyone, and say i'm doing this. i'm doing this for him and can you all commission me and pray for me everyday so that it works? i believe god is the one who makes things work. he makes things make sense. and makes life move along at his pace.
is he really happy for me to use him as my route to an exciting life?
excitement is inescapably subjective and individually found.
how many of us would end up doing the exciting things we want to do in life if we weren't christians? wouldn't we have wanted to do them anyway?
how many of those activities and travels are really bringing god out of people?
and isn't that the whole point?
once more ladies and gentlemen, answers on a postcard...
jueves, marzo 10, 2005
beg, borrow, steal..
do what you need to do, but if you like music at all, get hold of the live acoustic version of high tide, low tide sung by jack johnson and ben harper. your ears will thank you for it. feel fairly certain bob marley would too
so now, you want to know what's going on? i think i'm going to be a counsellor.
and i'm so excited.....eeeeeeeeeek
i was reminded today of the ever-so true notion of being careful what you wish for. let me talk you through it..
on monday, i came home from an internet-fest of a day at work thinking how good it would be to do an MA in Globalisation and International Policitcal Analysis at Bath.
Today I came home from work (bear in mind they are only four, the total number of days between the two sunsets) fairly sure, well, to the giddy-point, that really a job in counselling, possibly ultimately based in a workplace, consultancy-type role, is really the way to go.
so quite a leap, you might say, from monday's conclusion to today's.
however
almost five years ago a dear friend was praying for me as i became baptised in the spirit. he told me to ask for the gifts i desired. i wanted only two. first, to have discernment of people's hearts, to see their fears and hopes, and help the two to equal love. second, to have wisdom through the nations, to see the movements of lands and people we generally call international relations.
and who says i can't believe i'm a gemini?
this split personality means i've spent nearly three years since graduation having odd-numbered days wanting the one, then even days wanting nothing more than the other
i have all but decided that in order to have a hope of seeing either of them form the work-part of my life, i gotta stop creeping around them and walk towards one...... and the scene of international dealings and whatnot is so far from the realms of capability or even thought of this shire girl at present, that i feel i must opt for the latter. and i love the idea. the qualifications will take time, but its time i have, and time i am as of right now, prepared to spend. i shall await instruction from the lord but i'm pretty much giving him a deadline.
if anyone has ever, in any country, in any capacity, heard of a job in which the twain could meet, do let us know...i might get some sleep then
jolly exciting stuff though
thunderbolt city
so now, you want to know what's going on? i think i'm going to be a counsellor.
and i'm so excited.....eeeeeeeeeek
i was reminded today of the ever-so true notion of being careful what you wish for. let me talk you through it..
on monday, i came home from an internet-fest of a day at work thinking how good it would be to do an MA in Globalisation and International Policitcal Analysis at Bath.
Today I came home from work (bear in mind they are only four, the total number of days between the two sunsets) fairly sure, well, to the giddy-point, that really a job in counselling, possibly ultimately based in a workplace, consultancy-type role, is really the way to go.
so quite a leap, you might say, from monday's conclusion to today's.
however
almost five years ago a dear friend was praying for me as i became baptised in the spirit. he told me to ask for the gifts i desired. i wanted only two. first, to have discernment of people's hearts, to see their fears and hopes, and help the two to equal love. second, to have wisdom through the nations, to see the movements of lands and people we generally call international relations.
and who says i can't believe i'm a gemini?
this split personality means i've spent nearly three years since graduation having odd-numbered days wanting the one, then even days wanting nothing more than the other
i have all but decided that in order to have a hope of seeing either of them form the work-part of my life, i gotta stop creeping around them and walk towards one...... and the scene of international dealings and whatnot is so far from the realms of capability or even thought of this shire girl at present, that i feel i must opt for the latter. and i love the idea. the qualifications will take time, but its time i have, and time i am as of right now, prepared to spend. i shall await instruction from the lord but i'm pretty much giving him a deadline.
if anyone has ever, in any country, in any capacity, heard of a job in which the twain could meet, do let us know...i might get some sleep then
jolly exciting stuff though
thunderbolt city
jueves, marzo 03, 2005
apparently nothing..
i went up a snowy mountain in catalunya the other day
i also spent the weekend with some of my absolute favourite people, in one of my all-time favourite cities..
barcelona is good to me, its good for me, and yet, i have no idea if i get to move back there or not. we drank lots of beer, ate good food and laughed, an awful alot.
more will follow, but for now, no news, but its all good
really
i also spent the weekend with some of my absolute favourite people, in one of my all-time favourite cities..
barcelona is good to me, its good for me, and yet, i have no idea if i get to move back there or not. we drank lots of beer, ate good food and laughed, an awful alot.
more will follow, but for now, no news, but its all good
really
miércoles, febrero 16, 2005
feel free..
to shut me up the next time i write a post like the previous one..
terribly sorry, dear reader
things are looking or seeming somewhat different this week
coming back from london late sunday night (trusty national express, seriously, the divine comedy were right, as it turns out, take it when you're life's in a mess, it'll make you smile...) and i decided that having a crap time, along with most things in life, is about how you perceive it. i saw people over the weekend who love me so faithfully, tirelessly and at times thanklessly....i think just being with them for a couple of days reminded me that the flip-side of what i was so fiercely misering about in the previous post, is that perspective is a tricky but entirely redeemable thing. its flighty, unreliable and too often temporary, but when a brighter or somehow more springtime perspective is sought from god, it will indeed be found. So I just asked god to change my attitude..and sure enough monday morning it had been changed, in my sleep..! things aren't rosy, or full, but they are less empty. so that's good, right..?
terribly sorry, dear reader
things are looking or seeming somewhat different this week
coming back from london late sunday night (trusty national express, seriously, the divine comedy were right, as it turns out, take it when you're life's in a mess, it'll make you smile...) and i decided that having a crap time, along with most things in life, is about how you perceive it. i saw people over the weekend who love me so faithfully, tirelessly and at times thanklessly....i think just being with them for a couple of days reminded me that the flip-side of what i was so fiercely misering about in the previous post, is that perspective is a tricky but entirely redeemable thing. its flighty, unreliable and too often temporary, but when a brighter or somehow more springtime perspective is sought from god, it will indeed be found. So I just asked god to change my attitude..and sure enough monday morning it had been changed, in my sleep..! things aren't rosy, or full, but they are less empty. so that's good, right..?
jueves, febrero 10, 2005
counting magpies..
see, it appears that the american people see crows as the characters in the strange and fatally unfounded rhyme about one for sorrow...etc, etc.....we here obviously refer to magpies when reciting it. apart from a bit of white featheryness, i could not honestly say i knew the difference between the two. but i do belive there is a difference.
i'm beginning to see more and more instance of this kind of, not strictly trans-atlantic, but certainly trans-circumstantial differentiation in individulals' view of god and his perfect will.
it is altogether one thing to say that while one's circumstances are crap, or disappointing, or mildly dull, well, whatever physical things lie around you, that there is always hope in the building of one's character through hope and perseverance. that there is always concrete and irrefutable truth in the love of god, that unconditional, timeless love......
in my recent hunt for clues (still pending any real conclusion, so bear that in mind if you choose to read on..) i have been studying the the records that the bible contains of the lives of the heroes of the faith as detailed in hebrews 11, refering back to the original decriptions of their lives in whichever relevant chapter of the old testament..
i cannot currently overlook that words favour, blameless, upright, pleasing,..
it seems that in many accounts of people who in times long gone 'walked with god', he bestowed blessing on them because they pleased him. he gave them long lives and good families because they themselves were good. there is definately some sort of conditional tendecy at work here. the more you love god, the more he loves you...? or, the more you love god, the more he gives you good things? then again, maybe the more you love god, the more you listen to him, therefore the more you are able to walk in obedience and fullness because, as john mayer wondered, you are indeed living it right.....or perhaps he just loves people unconditionally but only helps them out if they love him back...
here i am somewhat confounded. i still refuse to give up, but i could not really term it perseverance. that sounds like willingness, or determination, or somethng equally energetic. no such expendature here. just dogged lack of any other option, and the niggling feeling that the clues may eventually lead somewhere.
the most incredible sentence i have read this week - ...then enoch walked with god for another 300 years... -
the search continues
i'm beginning to see more and more instance of this kind of, not strictly trans-atlantic, but certainly trans-circumstantial differentiation in individulals' view of god and his perfect will.
it is altogether one thing to say that while one's circumstances are crap, or disappointing, or mildly dull, well, whatever physical things lie around you, that there is always hope in the building of one's character through hope and perseverance. that there is always concrete and irrefutable truth in the love of god, that unconditional, timeless love......
in my recent hunt for clues (still pending any real conclusion, so bear that in mind if you choose to read on..) i have been studying the the records that the bible contains of the lives of the heroes of the faith as detailed in hebrews 11, refering back to the original decriptions of their lives in whichever relevant chapter of the old testament..
i cannot currently overlook that words favour, blameless, upright, pleasing,..
it seems that in many accounts of people who in times long gone 'walked with god', he bestowed blessing on them because they pleased him. he gave them long lives and good families because they themselves were good. there is definately some sort of conditional tendecy at work here. the more you love god, the more he loves you...? or, the more you love god, the more he gives you good things? then again, maybe the more you love god, the more you listen to him, therefore the more you are able to walk in obedience and fullness because, as john mayer wondered, you are indeed living it right.....or perhaps he just loves people unconditionally but only helps them out if they love him back...
here i am somewhat confounded. i still refuse to give up, but i could not really term it perseverance. that sounds like willingness, or determination, or somethng equally energetic. no such expendature here. just dogged lack of any other option, and the niggling feeling that the clues may eventually lead somewhere.
the most incredible sentence i have read this week - ...then enoch walked with god for another 300 years... -
the search continues
sábado, enero 29, 2005
looking for clues
like the sad, middle-aged person i seem to be becoming, i have taken a great liking of late, to murder-mystery tv shows, like anything to do with agatha christie, morse, or anything that has bergerac being now 'of a certain age', but charming as ever...even felicity kendall and the woman who was once the lovely mother in darling buds of may, and then somehow also the evil, EVIL woman in matilda..yes, even them and their gardening capers are of entertainmentary value to me at present.
odd, isn't it...?
the thing is, i've just been thinking, over a cup of tea before bed (saturday night, aged 24, what's to become of us all...?), that in fact maybe there is something to be learned, that could lend assistance to one's spiritual treasue hunts, from these goulish, implausible, usually aristocratic plots..
there is a certain characteristic shared by the vast majority of these crime-solving protagonists, which i think may be of immense value to me in the days ahead. it is that quality of reserve (in the old fashioned, austen sense) that both permits and induces meticulous observation. i'm talking about quietness of tongue, watchfulness of eye and sharpness of mind, which i am now thinking may well be esssential tools for following the tracks of god. (chapter on solitude in celebration of discipline last night also helped, as well as late night itv drama..)
not that i want to blame anything on him, or pin any crime on him, au countraire. i do wish however to be more able to see both what is obvious and what is not. if, as i am assured, he has designs and plans for me, which, it seems are being revealed at not only a maddeningly slow pace, but are also frequently veiled in mysetery or left unconcluded, perhaps i ought to attempt some holy sleuthing. after all, we know he wants to be found, right? trail of breadcrumbs....bit of a paper chase? an elaborate cover-up involving the maid and a villainous-looking austrain doctor..? mais non, mes cheries..
apparently its actually a lot more simple than that
the bible, that's the secret!
and i love him a lot more today. a lot more.
i found some preliminary clues in the bible last night..i'm on the scent....
hurrah
odd, isn't it...?
the thing is, i've just been thinking, over a cup of tea before bed (saturday night, aged 24, what's to become of us all...?), that in fact maybe there is something to be learned, that could lend assistance to one's spiritual treasue hunts, from these goulish, implausible, usually aristocratic plots..
there is a certain characteristic shared by the vast majority of these crime-solving protagonists, which i think may be of immense value to me in the days ahead. it is that quality of reserve (in the old fashioned, austen sense) that both permits and induces meticulous observation. i'm talking about quietness of tongue, watchfulness of eye and sharpness of mind, which i am now thinking may well be esssential tools for following the tracks of god. (chapter on solitude in celebration of discipline last night also helped, as well as late night itv drama..)
not that i want to blame anything on him, or pin any crime on him, au countraire. i do wish however to be more able to see both what is obvious and what is not. if, as i am assured, he has designs and plans for me, which, it seems are being revealed at not only a maddeningly slow pace, but are also frequently veiled in mysetery or left unconcluded, perhaps i ought to attempt some holy sleuthing. after all, we know he wants to be found, right? trail of breadcrumbs....bit of a paper chase? an elaborate cover-up involving the maid and a villainous-looking austrain doctor..? mais non, mes cheries..
apparently its actually a lot more simple than that
the bible, that's the secret!
and i love him a lot more today. a lot more.
i found some preliminary clues in the bible last night..i'm on the scent....
hurrah
viernes, enero 28, 2005
life springs eternal
heavens, i found some sense. well, it was given me.
things have felt entirely wrong, and the conclusion that god must have made a mistake has been the prevailing impression of the last couple of months.
however, i have been assured that god does not screw up, that in fact, he uses whatever situation to his advantage. i suppose it just sometimes seems that his advantage does not always lead to mine. on that score, too, i am relieved to admit that i may be wrong.
"there are things god needs to tell you, about who you are in him, who he would have you be, what he wants you to do, that are far too important for them to be interfered with by other people. he wil not let your destiny suffer because you were adamant you should be surrounded by friends and 'feel supported'. he had to get you on your own, to be able to show you that only he can improve and shape you, only he can command your future, only he wants enough for you to leave you for a while with nothing, that the plans and dreams he has for you, and the life he wants for you, must be given and revealed to you only by him, and not by the whispers of others or influenced by the dynamics of a community."
(paraphrased from a phone call with a friend five minutes ago)
it still sounds cannily like rhetoric to my addled brain. my heart heard it differently..i know that the silence i uttered after it, and the strangely light weight it has left in me are responses to truth, that i cannot deny. or i could choose to, but i'm fairly sure now, that that is where i've been going wrong.
i've been choosing lies over truth, doubt over belief and general decay over the epic restoration that has been offered me.
oh na when will you learn.......?
and oddly enough, again, all to the sounds of a coldplay song...there's something going on here...
things have felt entirely wrong, and the conclusion that god must have made a mistake has been the prevailing impression of the last couple of months.
however, i have been assured that god does not screw up, that in fact, he uses whatever situation to his advantage. i suppose it just sometimes seems that his advantage does not always lead to mine. on that score, too, i am relieved to admit that i may be wrong.
"there are things god needs to tell you, about who you are in him, who he would have you be, what he wants you to do, that are far too important for them to be interfered with by other people. he wil not let your destiny suffer because you were adamant you should be surrounded by friends and 'feel supported'. he had to get you on your own, to be able to show you that only he can improve and shape you, only he can command your future, only he wants enough for you to leave you for a while with nothing, that the plans and dreams he has for you, and the life he wants for you, must be given and revealed to you only by him, and not by the whispers of others or influenced by the dynamics of a community."
(paraphrased from a phone call with a friend five minutes ago)
it still sounds cannily like rhetoric to my addled brain. my heart heard it differently..i know that the silence i uttered after it, and the strangely light weight it has left in me are responses to truth, that i cannot deny. or i could choose to, but i'm fairly sure now, that that is where i've been going wrong.
i've been choosing lies over truth, doubt over belief and general decay over the epic restoration that has been offered me.
oh na when will you learn.......?
and oddly enough, again, all to the sounds of a coldplay song...there's something going on here...
lunes, enero 17, 2005
good one
see, sometimes all it takes is a coldplay song. they're not one of my favourite bands, but sometimes man, they just smack you with a bit of truth, or clarity, sometimes, its that old trick of just being good music.... time is on your side, being this evening's little gem........there's been a mounting fear in me that life was quite literally and rapidly passing by my window like the west midlands countryside on a virgin train on the way to manchester from here....i miss that
anyway, the point is, that youth and time are both on my side, even if i have recently half-conluded that god perhaps isn't. well, not conclusively concluded, i suppose....
i'd say it was more of an extended musing that refused to shift.
however, i do miss him and love him and do still believe the theory that life with him even at its worst (perhaps a bit like now for me) is better and fuller and sweeter than any kind of life without him. the good man clive staples was perhaps right after all......
the hardness of god is softer than the kindness of men
anyway, the point is, that youth and time are both on my side, even if i have recently half-conluded that god perhaps isn't. well, not conclusively concluded, i suppose....
i'd say it was more of an extended musing that refused to shift.
however, i do miss him and love him and do still believe the theory that life with him even at its worst (perhaps a bit like now for me) is better and fuller and sweeter than any kind of life without him. the good man clive staples was perhaps right after all......
the hardness of god is softer than the kindness of men
domingo, enero 16, 2005
the one remaining true gem..
contained in the maroon 5 album that hasn't bored me or gotten old, is the line in she will be loved that say this
its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along
what if its always one person doing the compromising?
i miss the butterflies and rainbows.
i miss knowing him, and knowing that he was enough.
i miss having a raised ear, ready to listen, always waiting for an answer, always asking a question, always telling my stories.
maybe we were never meant to have these kind of relationships with god anyway, the ones where intimacy is talked of, where two-way communication is no longer reserved for the mentally troubled, and where prayers are answered or if not, explainations for why not are forthcoming and therefore perseverance is building character.
what if, just in theory, god wasn't like that? what if we made it so he was like that? i know the vast majority of people, including most christians, actually believe he is nothing like that. to them he is static, immovable and silent........who's to say he can't just be left there?
its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along
what if its always one person doing the compromising?
i miss the butterflies and rainbows.
i miss knowing him, and knowing that he was enough.
i miss having a raised ear, ready to listen, always waiting for an answer, always asking a question, always telling my stories.
maybe we were never meant to have these kind of relationships with god anyway, the ones where intimacy is talked of, where two-way communication is no longer reserved for the mentally troubled, and where prayers are answered or if not, explainations for why not are forthcoming and therefore perseverance is building character.
what if, just in theory, god wasn't like that? what if we made it so he was like that? i know the vast majority of people, including most christians, actually believe he is nothing like that. to them he is static, immovable and silent........who's to say he can't just be left there?
jueves, diciembre 16, 2004
multi-media presentation..
The following are things I have read or heard in the last week or so. Some are things I have agreed with, some been surprised by, some informed by, some I'm still digesting...I feel like oddly as though I am being educated all over again these days. So many of my old learnings are turning out to be quite unsubstantial. Or just plain wrong. Interesting times..
"In 1990, total greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions in the EU-15 had reached the equivalent of 4,208 million tonnes (Mt or Tg) of CO2. CO2Carbon dioxide emissions alone, which represent 82% of GHG, stood at 3,325 Mt in 2000, only 0.5% lower than their 1990 level (3,.342 Mt)"
(opinion of the European Economic and Social Committee on the issues involved in using nuclear power in electicity generation, Brussels, 25th February 2004 http://www.world-nuclear.org/opinion/eesc.doc)
“So I find myself in yet another autumn season. The trees are changing and the weather is soon to warrant scarves and sweaters. In the warmth of our homes, we reflect and prepare for the paths God will lead us through in the upcoming years. Often this preparation focuses entirely on our future, but may I suggest we approach the problem from another angle. Solomon would have taught us that if we love our great King in the fervency and desperation of the present, we naturally bend our will into the will of God, and our heart will plead for the path he wishes for us. There is no guessing the will of God, but only this simple rule: It is now that God favors what you do.”(relevant magazine (-.com), oct 2004, A Hampshire)
“friend #1 – “What is the most important thing to remember in the Britain of today?” friend #2 – “For best results, cook from frozen”
(mil millington, ‘things my girlfriend and I have argued about' (-.com)
"In 1990, total greenhouse gas (GHG) emissions in the EU-15 had reached the equivalent of 4,208 million tonnes (Mt or Tg) of CO2. CO2Carbon dioxide emissions alone, which represent 82% of GHG, stood at 3,325 Mt in 2000, only 0.5% lower than their 1990 level (3,.342 Mt)"
(opinion of the European Economic and Social Committee on the issues involved in using nuclear power in electicity generation, Brussels, 25th February 2004 http://www.world-nuclear.org/opinion/eesc.doc)
“So I find myself in yet another autumn season. The trees are changing and the weather is soon to warrant scarves and sweaters. In the warmth of our homes, we reflect and prepare for the paths God will lead us through in the upcoming years. Often this preparation focuses entirely on our future, but may I suggest we approach the problem from another angle. Solomon would have taught us that if we love our great King in the fervency and desperation of the present, we naturally bend our will into the will of God, and our heart will plead for the path he wishes for us. There is no guessing the will of God, but only this simple rule: It is now that God favors what you do.”(relevant magazine (-.com), oct 2004, A Hampshire)
“friend #1 – “What is the most important thing to remember in the Britain of today?” friend #2 – “For best results, cook from frozen”
(mil millington, ‘things my girlfriend and I have argued about' (-.com)
Delia Smith refers to greaseproof paper as "baking parchment". Am open to the suggestion (only where proof is provided) that these are, in fact, two seperate items altogether.
"At least it won't mean ending up in a boring nine-to-five, boxed in, with all its greyness and sitting in cubicles"
(friend, december 14th, 2004)
“You gotta stand up in the garden, come and let the rain come falling down upon your head…said you gotta stand up in the garden, baby come and let the rain come falling down and wash away your sin….you gotta stand up in the garden, come and let the rain come falling down upon your head, said you gotta stand up in the garden, baby come and let the rain come falling down and wash away your sin..”
(counting crows..a murder of one, live acoustic)
there will no doubt be more, soon...x
miércoles, diciembre 15, 2004
the pensieve
well, here we are again at midnight, cup of tea in hand, freshly smoked in the back garden and ready to write....not sure what
have been learning alot lately....about my family tree, about nuclear-fuelled electricity, about gk chesterton and about the decision to like god even when it seems fruitless and is hard to do. have been trying to find my way through the mire of job decision that i find myself in yet again, trying to decipher the various signs of what is and is not right for me to commit to, and trying, mostly falteringly, to pass the incessant tests that god is putting in front me, weighing my opions by putting job offers on the table - at the RAF, at British Energy, and at a building society in gloucester where at least a third of the people i knew and disliked at school have ended up working. it is truly a greyer, less imaginative place than i have ever had the discomfort to find myself almost working in. as for the first two, i find now that my until now faintly held beliefs about the ethics and ambitions of those two organisations have in fact stood up in me, and prevented me from saying yes to them. this, from the girl who has no money, has left half her possessions in another country, and seems to now have entirely changed her direction in life! its hard to trust myself right now, my instincts, my gut feelings, me heart i feel they are all untrustworthy, and yet god seems to be pointing to them and saying if you would only give these back to me i will and can use them to guide you...if you will lend me an ear i will speak into it, but it must first be closed off to the voices which have confused you.
ok i'm reading articles, not concentrating
will be back tomorrow
have been learning alot lately....about my family tree, about nuclear-fuelled electricity, about gk chesterton and about the decision to like god even when it seems fruitless and is hard to do. have been trying to find my way through the mire of job decision that i find myself in yet again, trying to decipher the various signs of what is and is not right for me to commit to, and trying, mostly falteringly, to pass the incessant tests that god is putting in front me, weighing my opions by putting job offers on the table - at the RAF, at British Energy, and at a building society in gloucester where at least a third of the people i knew and disliked at school have ended up working. it is truly a greyer, less imaginative place than i have ever had the discomfort to find myself almost working in. as for the first two, i find now that my until now faintly held beliefs about the ethics and ambitions of those two organisations have in fact stood up in me, and prevented me from saying yes to them. this, from the girl who has no money, has left half her possessions in another country, and seems to now have entirely changed her direction in life! its hard to trust myself right now, my instincts, my gut feelings, me heart i feel they are all untrustworthy, and yet god seems to be pointing to them and saying if you would only give these back to me i will and can use them to guide you...if you will lend me an ear i will speak into it, but it must first be closed off to the voices which have confused you.
ok i'm reading articles, not concentrating
will be back tomorrow
martes, noviembre 30, 2004
warning: non-eventful day narrative ahead
in keeping with the recent promise i made myself, here i am to blog..with no news really. nothing of consequence anyway, but blog i must. today i have
worked in next all day
eaten carrot cake
had a lovely coffee at a lovely coffee place
smoked four cigarettes
had no alcohol
started my day quite flustered. in my spirit. in a way i haven't for a very long time. it was quite unpleasant. but not all bad, since i am wanting very much to have the same need of god that i used to have when waking up to that sensation was a daily occurance.
received a lovely and very welcome text message from catelin
sent several emails
well, that's about it!!
not earth-shattering stuff, is it? and all formatted in a slighly bridget jones style, which was not intended!
i wonder if living here will mean that my days take this non-eventful form most of the time? thing is, much as i've always wanted the exciting life of a wandering person, loving god round the world, meeting people all the time, seeing new things, doing life in a non-normal way, i'm thinking a bit at the moment about how exciting life with god can be anyway, without the things of external excitement? the thought of it makes me shudder, but then the aftertaste of it is pretty nice. its like i want god to be the single most exciting thing in my life, and this is the best way for hm to help me bring that about right now. to put me here, where if i was my days to be out of the ordinary, i have to seek that out, from him, instead of like life in barcelona, where you look around and its exciting, and i have no doubt would have continued to be so even had i stayed for years. but if the novelty of god can wear off, and that of the place may not, then we have a problem. here, there's just no excitement! well that's not true, i know some lovely people, and it is really lovely here. but its not thrilling. i believe that a relationship with jesus, in fully functioning, fire making heart-felt mode can be as exciting and thrilling as any city in any foreign land. more so, much more. so this is what i'm after.
except i just realised it. right now.
thanks blog
worked in next all day
eaten carrot cake
had a lovely coffee at a lovely coffee place
smoked four cigarettes
had no alcohol
started my day quite flustered. in my spirit. in a way i haven't for a very long time. it was quite unpleasant. but not all bad, since i am wanting very much to have the same need of god that i used to have when waking up to that sensation was a daily occurance.
received a lovely and very welcome text message from catelin
sent several emails
well, that's about it!!
not earth-shattering stuff, is it? and all formatted in a slighly bridget jones style, which was not intended!
i wonder if living here will mean that my days take this non-eventful form most of the time? thing is, much as i've always wanted the exciting life of a wandering person, loving god round the world, meeting people all the time, seeing new things, doing life in a non-normal way, i'm thinking a bit at the moment about how exciting life with god can be anyway, without the things of external excitement? the thought of it makes me shudder, but then the aftertaste of it is pretty nice. its like i want god to be the single most exciting thing in my life, and this is the best way for hm to help me bring that about right now. to put me here, where if i was my days to be out of the ordinary, i have to seek that out, from him, instead of like life in barcelona, where you look around and its exciting, and i have no doubt would have continued to be so even had i stayed for years. but if the novelty of god can wear off, and that of the place may not, then we have a problem. here, there's just no excitement! well that's not true, i know some lovely people, and it is really lovely here. but its not thrilling. i believe that a relationship with jesus, in fully functioning, fire making heart-felt mode can be as exciting and thrilling as any city in any foreign land. more so, much more. so this is what i'm after.
except i just realised it. right now.
thanks blog
viernes, noviembre 26, 2004
back in the u.u.k.k.
could never make a song, could it?
ok, here goes..an attempt to update my poorly neglected pathetic attempt at a blog...
sorry, readers.
life has changed somewhat since last writing from the relative sense and comfort of the aforementioned internet cafe. i am now, surprisingly (or not..) back in the Shire of england. i still can't quite believe it sometimes. but, what is even more staggering, is that i am rather enjoying it. dear reader, do not misunderstand me, i loved barcelona. but it would seem, that for the moment, our time together was only meant to be brief, and i, in all my haste and pent-up desire to leave this place, had crafted god's idea of a forty-day (for as it turns out, since returning i have done the math...indeed, i was there for precisely that biblically-significant amount of time) excursion to learn, see, observe, take note, laugh, drink very cheap, very good wine and make some good friendships, and made it into rather more than that. see, i had banked on moving to spain for good, or at least until something better came into god's mind, at which point i planned to move gladly on. note: i planned. i'd planned it for years. i'd wonted it for more, and had bided (is that the past participle?) my time, working, or not, being in manchester, and was then given the go-ahead. god set no time-frame, as is his wont. so i made one instead. i did the tefl, got ready, packed all my things, took a one-way ticket and made a run for it. i got into a flat, a four-month contract, and began the job-hunt, which as is now apparent, was wholly unsuccessful. why? well, therein lies my single line of thought for a couple of weeks, at the end of october/start of november. i am now reflected-out. i can look at the facts of the case with a certain amount of clarity right now, and safely say, that however humiliating it may be, i wasn't meant to go and stay. not for more than that allocated amount of time. so now i am stuck with the rent contract, and worse off than i was on the 25th of september. apart from one thing...i loved it, i loved the place, the people, the coffee, the tree-house, the tea-shop, the cathedral courtyard, the walk down to the marina, the boats and their little lights, the chandelier, the food made by fran, the times with fran, the good that did both of us, the cell, the jaume 1 metro station, the bar with the books, the sangria with lora, all my times with lora, the sun on the roof while praying with torres, claire and phil, lalo, natalia, the tortilla......i loved it. it doesn't feel particularly real, right now, but i know it happened, and i have the changes in me to prove it. and the stories and truths god let me in on, about the city, while i was there. they were the reason. all of the above. so no tail between legs, no apologies, no excuses. yeah i made some bad decisions, but they were the ones where i simply did not let god in on the deciding. so, lesson learned. well, learning.
the truth is, well, listen up. i was reading a book the last week i was in barcelona. its called the journey of desire. its quite cheesey, well, very, but by the near-end of it i was hooked. i couldn't put it down. but it was getting horribly close to the end and i still felt like the guy hadn't made his Point. you know, the thing i'd remember the book for, the reason why he wrote it. so i carried on, and the night before i flew back, i got there. he was talking about how, all his life, he wanted badly, to live on a ranch - on a huge bit of land, with lots of farm-buildings and lots of space. he'd always been able to see it, exactly how he wanted it, in his mind's eye. and one day, driving somewhere else, he found it. the place. it was just like he'd imagined and dreamt it to be. he began driving towards it. stopped after a while and knew he was to go no further. the thought came to him: " i could be happy here without god"
read: spain, for na.
it had become the land of plenty for me. the place of fulfillment of dreams, of happiness, of merry times and me being me. but if me is precisely who god says i am , nothing added, nothing taken away, then surely that ought to be possible here as much as anywhere else. ought to be no more possible in a place just because i love it, and just because i say so. years i had waited. since i was about 13. to go and teach english in spain. to make my home there. and one word from god was enough. i've wasted a lot of money (mine and other people's) and time and energy and lost a couple of friends for nothing, if i don't look at it how he does: he achieved in me in those few weeks as much as he had planned to. he'd shown me as much as i was ready to see. explained as much as he needed me to understand.
so now, i'm here. i know its right for now. its about all i know but its enough. for the first time, its enough.
hurrah
love x
ok, here goes..an attempt to update my poorly neglected pathetic attempt at a blog...
sorry, readers.
life has changed somewhat since last writing from the relative sense and comfort of the aforementioned internet cafe. i am now, surprisingly (or not..) back in the Shire of england. i still can't quite believe it sometimes. but, what is even more staggering, is that i am rather enjoying it. dear reader, do not misunderstand me, i loved barcelona. but it would seem, that for the moment, our time together was only meant to be brief, and i, in all my haste and pent-up desire to leave this place, had crafted god's idea of a forty-day (for as it turns out, since returning i have done the math...indeed, i was there for precisely that biblically-significant amount of time) excursion to learn, see, observe, take note, laugh, drink very cheap, very good wine and make some good friendships, and made it into rather more than that. see, i had banked on moving to spain for good, or at least until something better came into god's mind, at which point i planned to move gladly on. note: i planned. i'd planned it for years. i'd wonted it for more, and had bided (is that the past participle?) my time, working, or not, being in manchester, and was then given the go-ahead. god set no time-frame, as is his wont. so i made one instead. i did the tefl, got ready, packed all my things, took a one-way ticket and made a run for it. i got into a flat, a four-month contract, and began the job-hunt, which as is now apparent, was wholly unsuccessful. why? well, therein lies my single line of thought for a couple of weeks, at the end of october/start of november. i am now reflected-out. i can look at the facts of the case with a certain amount of clarity right now, and safely say, that however humiliating it may be, i wasn't meant to go and stay. not for more than that allocated amount of time. so now i am stuck with the rent contract, and worse off than i was on the 25th of september. apart from one thing...i loved it, i loved the place, the people, the coffee, the tree-house, the tea-shop, the cathedral courtyard, the walk down to the marina, the boats and their little lights, the chandelier, the food made by fran, the times with fran, the good that did both of us, the cell, the jaume 1 metro station, the bar with the books, the sangria with lora, all my times with lora, the sun on the roof while praying with torres, claire and phil, lalo, natalia, the tortilla......i loved it. it doesn't feel particularly real, right now, but i know it happened, and i have the changes in me to prove it. and the stories and truths god let me in on, about the city, while i was there. they were the reason. all of the above. so no tail between legs, no apologies, no excuses. yeah i made some bad decisions, but they were the ones where i simply did not let god in on the deciding. so, lesson learned. well, learning.
the truth is, well, listen up. i was reading a book the last week i was in barcelona. its called the journey of desire. its quite cheesey, well, very, but by the near-end of it i was hooked. i couldn't put it down. but it was getting horribly close to the end and i still felt like the guy hadn't made his Point. you know, the thing i'd remember the book for, the reason why he wrote it. so i carried on, and the night before i flew back, i got there. he was talking about how, all his life, he wanted badly, to live on a ranch - on a huge bit of land, with lots of farm-buildings and lots of space. he'd always been able to see it, exactly how he wanted it, in his mind's eye. and one day, driving somewhere else, he found it. the place. it was just like he'd imagined and dreamt it to be. he began driving towards it. stopped after a while and knew he was to go no further. the thought came to him: " i could be happy here without god"
read: spain, for na.
it had become the land of plenty for me. the place of fulfillment of dreams, of happiness, of merry times and me being me. but if me is precisely who god says i am , nothing added, nothing taken away, then surely that ought to be possible here as much as anywhere else. ought to be no more possible in a place just because i love it, and just because i say so. years i had waited. since i was about 13. to go and teach english in spain. to make my home there. and one word from god was enough. i've wasted a lot of money (mine and other people's) and time and energy and lost a couple of friends for nothing, if i don't look at it how he does: he achieved in me in those few weeks as much as he had planned to. he'd shown me as much as i was ready to see. explained as much as he needed me to understand.
so now, i'm here. i know its right for now. its about all i know but its enough. for the first time, its enough.
hurrah
love x
domingo, octubre 24, 2004
back in the internet cafe..
what a home this place is turning out to be
ok so i now have some friends...including fran, i now i have about five! how exciting!
am beginng to find my actual feet here instead of my visitor´s feet..its a lovely feeling....
i also now have some writing paper, so far off friends shall soon be receiving the writings that otherwise would have been put on here.....but for now.....things are good. i still don´t have a job, but i am so convinced that waiting another few days or whatever is the right thing, that i shouldn´t just go and get a bar job or go and hand out flyers at the metro station. i just know that teaching is what i´m about right now, and i´ve trained and worked to get here to do that, obviously among other things, but being finally ready and also qualified to do it i am content to wait for the opportunity. well maybe not content, since i have no money, but at least peaceful that its the right thing.
have been thinking about maine road and the good old rainy days there....soggy cigarettes and coffees in the yard, my wonderful bed, the lovely fireplace in my room painted by catelin on a roll........but also the comfort of being in the house, which so felt like a fortress what with all the mayhem going on around its perimetres....here the noise and the activity encroaches right on in..there is no quiet here. i havne´t got to sleep before four in a while. the music the shouting the laughing....all of which are not bad things but i hate that there is no escape from them here. sure, not all parts of the city are like this, but my barrio is a zoo
so i´m a lot more peaceful than i was last week. i am having sweet, sweet times with god and just knowing him more often than not, to be right there, right here.....and right for me
gotta run
love x
ok so i now have some friends...including fran, i now i have about five! how exciting!
am beginng to find my actual feet here instead of my visitor´s feet..its a lovely feeling....
i also now have some writing paper, so far off friends shall soon be receiving the writings that otherwise would have been put on here.....but for now.....things are good. i still don´t have a job, but i am so convinced that waiting another few days or whatever is the right thing, that i shouldn´t just go and get a bar job or go and hand out flyers at the metro station. i just know that teaching is what i´m about right now, and i´ve trained and worked to get here to do that, obviously among other things, but being finally ready and also qualified to do it i am content to wait for the opportunity. well maybe not content, since i have no money, but at least peaceful that its the right thing.
have been thinking about maine road and the good old rainy days there....soggy cigarettes and coffees in the yard, my wonderful bed, the lovely fireplace in my room painted by catelin on a roll........but also the comfort of being in the house, which so felt like a fortress what with all the mayhem going on around its perimetres....here the noise and the activity encroaches right on in..there is no quiet here. i havne´t got to sleep before four in a while. the music the shouting the laughing....all of which are not bad things but i hate that there is no escape from them here. sure, not all parts of the city are like this, but my barrio is a zoo
so i´m a lot more peaceful than i was last week. i am having sweet, sweet times with god and just knowing him more often than not, to be right there, right here.....and right for me
gotta run
love x
domingo, octubre 10, 2004
l´ennuie...
well my goodness i´ve actually had a bored day in barcelona today...! i know, i know, ungrateful wretch that i am...but when you don´t have very many friends yet...its quite tricky
ok so good things...living in the old town, its pretty flippin good...the noisiest place i´ve ever tried to get to sleep in, but its also very funny and poor and lively and sad and bored people and drug-selling people everywhere...lots of very loud music and well, come see for yourself.
so life is good, sometimes full, sometimes not so much. trying to find work is not fun, but mostly everything else is.
i´m re-acclimatising to spanish people..they sure are odd. they really stare at you, its most unnerving...
god is good, very near these days, very calming, like he´s just waiting to see...well,i´m not sure. just feel like he´s being very patient with me
its hard to know where to begin with life here.
but i´m figuring it out piece by piece. will keep you posted
ok so good things...living in the old town, its pretty flippin good...the noisiest place i´ve ever tried to get to sleep in, but its also very funny and poor and lively and sad and bored people and drug-selling people everywhere...lots of very loud music and well, come see for yourself.
so life is good, sometimes full, sometimes not so much. trying to find work is not fun, but mostly everything else is.
i´m re-acclimatising to spanish people..they sure are odd. they really stare at you, its most unnerving...
god is good, very near these days, very calming, like he´s just waiting to see...well,i´m not sure. just feel like he´s being very patient with me
its hard to know where to begin with life here.
but i´m figuring it out piece by piece. will keep you posted
domingo, septiembre 12, 2004
come on now, fess up..whole stole the fun...?
ok, its 3:32 in the a.m. and i just got home. i spent the evening out in gloucester. it was the birthday of one of my all-time favourite people, so when the night club was suggested as a venue for the after-dinner, i could find no way out of it..i really need to work on my faith in miraculous tranportation.....
its called intraction. or maybe with two nns...........oh sweet lord. going out, i have discovered in the last few hours, is not fun anymore. i don't mean i didn't have fun. i didn't, but that's another story...i just mean, nothing about fun is fun now. the dancing is so stifled and affected and contrived. in fact, i wondered on more than one occasion whether it could really be considered dancing at all. there appears to be nothing left of self-expression, or abandon, or dancing away ones problems. the latter is a therapy route i have often chosen in the past, and have found it almost invariably effective in sweeping those blues away, however temporarily. the thing is, its now drink that is the abandon, and pulling which is the expression, and aim, of the whole event. i saw one person actually enjoying himself while dancing, giving his whole body over to the shite music that frankly, deserved no such attention. but it was quite apparent that his wacko moves were not going to get him any nearer to having sex tonight. he didn't care. i loved him.
i spent quite a lot of time deciding which to be the sadder about - the old women, out as usual, saturday night, hideous halter-necks and young men passing who stopped, showed interest, got close enough to see the facial signs of age-betrayal, and ran for the hills. but then there are the young ones. one, i was informed by a friend, is pregnant and 18. one, has no job because her overbearing bofriend mocked her and her efforts at a hairdressing apprenticeship and made her quiet. she was 19.
and however much i try, i can't write or think these things without feeling like a snob. i've never been a class-warrior, but then i have been brought up and educated in an age where we are forcibly told that class does not exist anymore. but its not about class. or age, or education, its about self-respect i think. although, in the grander scheme, i suppose its really about jesus.
and music....? who, WHO decided in the 90s that R&B was going to be bitched into being the label of more or less all music that filled innteraction this evening...? R&B means rythym and blues. we're agreed on that one, right..? before that, the genre was generally bunched under the category of soul, which i had equal objections to, given that the melodies were generally neither soulful not the lyrics evident of any soul behind them.
so rap soul hip-hop r+b whatever, its all the same. the bass is intrusive on one's natural heartbeat, the lyrics are obscene (and no, you don't have to be mary whitehouse, or 75, to own up to thinking that..) and the vast majority of its melodic perpetrators cannot sing. its all about black people, which of itself, is a good thing. but to see a room full of 800 white people furtively attempting to follow the every move observed daily on MTV of these new musical revolutionaries.....oh it was humiliating. and its everywhere. its not just here.
so this is my question....is dancing not cool? the cool people, who like decent music that has actual talent behind it - glorious, mostly unappreciated, and therefore still cool - are these people (i hope you know i am counting myself amoung them) not supposed to dance? because where on the earth can you find a place to dance to music that is not, as aforementioned, shite?
answers on a postcard.
its called intraction. or maybe with two nns...........oh sweet lord. going out, i have discovered in the last few hours, is not fun anymore. i don't mean i didn't have fun. i didn't, but that's another story...i just mean, nothing about fun is fun now. the dancing is so stifled and affected and contrived. in fact, i wondered on more than one occasion whether it could really be considered dancing at all. there appears to be nothing left of self-expression, or abandon, or dancing away ones problems. the latter is a therapy route i have often chosen in the past, and have found it almost invariably effective in sweeping those blues away, however temporarily. the thing is, its now drink that is the abandon, and pulling which is the expression, and aim, of the whole event. i saw one person actually enjoying himself while dancing, giving his whole body over to the shite music that frankly, deserved no such attention. but it was quite apparent that his wacko moves were not going to get him any nearer to having sex tonight. he didn't care. i loved him.
i spent quite a lot of time deciding which to be the sadder about - the old women, out as usual, saturday night, hideous halter-necks and young men passing who stopped, showed interest, got close enough to see the facial signs of age-betrayal, and ran for the hills. but then there are the young ones. one, i was informed by a friend, is pregnant and 18. one, has no job because her overbearing bofriend mocked her and her efforts at a hairdressing apprenticeship and made her quiet. she was 19.
and however much i try, i can't write or think these things without feeling like a snob. i've never been a class-warrior, but then i have been brought up and educated in an age where we are forcibly told that class does not exist anymore. but its not about class. or age, or education, its about self-respect i think. although, in the grander scheme, i suppose its really about jesus.
and music....? who, WHO decided in the 90s that R&B was going to be bitched into being the label of more or less all music that filled innteraction this evening...? R&B means rythym and blues. we're agreed on that one, right..? before that, the genre was generally bunched under the category of soul, which i had equal objections to, given that the melodies were generally neither soulful not the lyrics evident of any soul behind them.
so rap soul hip-hop r+b whatever, its all the same. the bass is intrusive on one's natural heartbeat, the lyrics are obscene (and no, you don't have to be mary whitehouse, or 75, to own up to thinking that..) and the vast majority of its melodic perpetrators cannot sing. its all about black people, which of itself, is a good thing. but to see a room full of 800 white people furtively attempting to follow the every move observed daily on MTV of these new musical revolutionaries.....oh it was humiliating. and its everywhere. its not just here.
so this is my question....is dancing not cool? the cool people, who like decent music that has actual talent behind it - glorious, mostly unappreciated, and therefore still cool - are these people (i hope you know i am counting myself amoung them) not supposed to dance? because where on the earth can you find a place to dance to music that is not, as aforementioned, shite?
answers on a postcard.
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